Monday, December 18, 2006

It's Not Just Nuclear Proliferation, It's The Law

Now, political science wasn't our major in college. Come to think of it, we're not sure what our major was. Guess we'll have to go look at the diploma. We did get a diploma, didn't we? We know we were asked to leave, but we just assumed it was because we had finished our courses.

Oh well, no matter. The point is that we remember this from last July: Bush administration officials lobbied Congress and tried to assure allies that a new deal to supply India with civilian nuclear technology and conventional military equipment was not meant to betray decades of nuclear-control policies or upset the regional balance of power. "Trust me on this," the president said. "I know what I'm doing."

Yeah, right we thought at the time. Let's stop the spead of nuclear technology by spreading nuclear technology. Who would be dumb enough to go for something like that? Then this morning we read this: president Bush signed a civilian nuclear deal with India, allowing fuel and know-how to be shipped to the world's largest democracy even though it has not submitted to full international inspections.

Wait a minute. Signed a deal? You mean like a bill? A bill passed by Congress? The Congress that's supposed to be all like checks and balances and stuff? "The bill will help keep America safe by paving the way for India to join the global effort to stop the spread of nuclear weapons," Bush said. "Well, unless they decide to spread nuclear weapons that is, but I'm keeping a good thought. Heck we can win in Iraq, why shouldn't this work?"

Hold on. Isn't there supposed to be do you call it...debate and stuff before a bill gets passed? "That's pre 9/11 thinking," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. When asked how providing India with more nuclear materials and technology would reduce the spread of nuclear materials and technology, Snowjob responded that it was "a complicated New Math equation, and if I have to explain it to you, you wouldn't understand."

"This is an important achievement for my belief in Armageddon. After 30 years outside the system, India still hasn't signed the Nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty and will now operate its civilian nuclear energy program with American technology and know how. The world is going to be safer as a result," Bush said. "They won't let us near their military stuff, but that's OK because Singh assured me the civilian and military guys won't talk to one another. Can't even exchange phone numbers. Now is that oversight or what?"

Representative Ed Markey, D- Critical Mass, a senior Democrat on the House Energy and Commerce Committee, said the pact, in effect, shreds the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. "This is a sad day in the history of efforts to preserve the planet for our grandchildren without making them glow in the dark," he said. "The bill that President Bush has signed today may well become the death warrant to the international nuclear nonproliferation regime. But, heck, at this point in his administration he's probably pretty used to signing death warrants."

The White House said India was unique because it had protected its nuclear technology and not been a proliferator. "India's not the proliferator, I'm the proliferator," Bush said. "No, wait. I'm the decider."

The administration also argued the deal also could be a boon for American companies that have been barred from selling reactors and material to India. "India's economy has more than doubled its size since 1991 and it is one of the fastest-growing markets for American exports," Bush said. "Of course if we blow up the world, that will definitely cut into market share, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh said India would not accept new conditions and its nuclear weapons program would not be subject to interference of any kind because the agreement with the United States dealt with civil nuclear cooperation. "Look, we're finally going to get what we need to blow the crap out of those Pakistani bozos, take back Kashmir and maybe the whole sub continent thanks to the Americans. It's what I call a win win."

The two countries must now obtain an exception for India in the rules of the Nuclear Suppliers Group, an assembly of nations that export nuclear material. Indian officials must also negotiate a safeguard agreement with the IAEA. "Nobody told me about that," Bush said. "Is that like a hall pass or something? I used to get those all the time. Do I need a note form Dad?"

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