Tuesday, December 19, 2006

And We're Not Buying That Medical Marijuana Stuff Either

Oh Yeah Baby! It's On Now and all we can say here at IM Central is it's about time we had some wild eyed, spit flecked, table pounding, turn and face the crazy, love it or leave it, full volume I'M JUST SAYING up in here!

America won't win another war until the 1960s flower children are pushing up petunias. Not that it will keep us from trying, but whatever, DIE YOU FILTHY HIPPIES AND TAKE YOUR ROCK AND ROLL DEVIL MUSIC WITH YOU!

Tell it Sista! Oh wait. That's what the hippies say. Well, hippies and black people. Not that there's a whole lot of difference.

Radicalized, the flower children morphed into lefty loonies who now masquerade as social progressives. And we all know what "Progressive" means. Remember the "Freedom Riders?" We all know how that turned out. Remember the "Social Gospel Movement?" Another disaster. And who can forget "Women's Suffrage?" OK I may have gone too far there.

Consider their continued belief that America's armed forces are neo-Nazi stormtroopers who delight in burning babies to further the aims of imperialistic corporations. Now, I have no idea who actually thinks that way, and no proof to offer that these opinions actually exist outside of the voices in my head, but that doesn't matter because it denigrates the patriotic values and sincerity of half the nation. So now I have conclusively proven using Aristotelian logic and irrefutable statistical evidence that YOU ARE STINKING, AMERICA HATING HIPPIES AND SHOULD JUST DIE SO THE VAST MAJORITY OF US CAN LISTEN TO TOBY KEITH IN PEACE.

To renounce their military fictions would mean facing bigger, more important truths: Marxism doesn't work (Or at least it better not, or I"ll have to give up my maid service). Love is not all you need (Talk about naive) . Western culture is worth defending because it protects freedom, tolerance (And I can say that with a totally straight face. Totally. Because I'm really drunk right now) and the greatest material good for the greatest number. (As long as that number is rich and white) Government can't solve every problem because, hey, rich white people don't have problems. The American taxpayer has no obligation to support the rest of the world's exploding population because we're busy not supporting our own population, particularly the soldiers who are fighting for my right to drive an SUV...erm...Freedom, my freedom.

Without the military-industrial complex to blame for humanity's ills, the lefty loonies lose their basis for faith in a socialist utopia. Terrorism is tortuous for them only because it forces them to pursue the political goals that will allow them to redistribute America's wealth by pulling the nation together and relying on the hated military for protection.

And before you get all up on your high horse about that paragraph, of course it doesn't make any sense. I told you I was really drunk.

The truth is that there is no way out of our modern warfare dilemmas except diplomacy, and who wants that? Is it possible to protect non-combatants, given modern weaponry in total war? And why should we care if most of those non-combatants are brown? Are people who make weapons innocent citizens of their warring governments, or integral non-uniformed soldiers and legitimate targets? What about the innocent family in the house next door?

OK, in case you're wondering the answer to all these questions is yes. Or maybe no. I've lost my train of thought. But who cares because we will have war with Iran and North Korea. It will come down to their children or ours, their soldiers or ours, their countries or ours. So those of you who don't want your children to be soldiers and your country to be a war zone TAKE YOUR SISSY TREE HUGGING ASS UP TO CANADA AND LEAVE AMERICA TO THOSE OF US WITH THE GUTS TO DESTROY IT FOR THE SAKE OF FREEDOM, JUSTICE, TOLERANCE AND ALL THAT OTHER CRAP THE FOUNDING FATHERS WERE SO GUNG HO ABOUT.

For aging hippies, it's easier to keep blaming old enemies than to confront new ones. Their BAWL (Buddha-Allah-Wicca-Lenin) is better than some old Judeo-Christian God. And yeah, I know Lenin wasn't a god, but you try coming up with some spiffy acronym after three martinis.

In their heart of hearts, lefty loonies do want America to lose in Iraq and every military theater. They want outside enemies to accomplish quickly the demolition of American capitalism, using the violence the lefty loonies are too old, too scared and too well-invested to use. See, because if youy follow my irrefutable logic, the hippies abhor violence except that which is directed at them WHICH IS WHY WE SHOULD HUNT THEM DOWN LIKE THE CAGE RAISED QUAIL CHENEY LIKES TO "HUNT."

Luckily, no one lives forever. Luckily, there is Generation Jones to take up their slack. America is too great to go down without a fight. And yeah, I probably could have come up with something a little more sexy than "Generation Jones," but I shot my wad with BAWL and I'm just filling out my column space now.

Yet, please be compassionate toward aging, albeit dangerous, erstwhile flower folks unless you can get away with pushing them down the stairs or in front of a bus.


James said...

Kudos, my friend, on a near perfect rant. This had me in stitches.

elsietee said...

LMAO!!!! That was great!!!!! I must say that I am an aging hippie, who grew a brain, and became a conservative, and LOVE Toby Keith!!! And you made SO many good points in your drunken state!!