What Did You Do In The War, Daddy?

We've written before that the opportunity to participate in the uniformed services was never afforded to us. Well--full disclosure again--we never actually went looking for it either, and the day it knocked? Must not have been home. However, in our defense let us say the country, and especially the military are better off for that. Still, unlike certain others whose primary goal in life seems to be keeping their money as far away from their mouths as possible, we've often wondered what we could do here on the homefront to support the troops so valiantly laboring under the weight of the current flock of brainless wonders in Washington.

Now we know.

Nonlethal weapons such as high-power microwave devices should be used on American citizens in crowd-control situations before being used on the battlefield, the Air Force secretary said Tuesday. "Think of the message we'll send to the terrorists if we fry the brains of a bunch of dirty hippies protesting for economic justice or some bogus cause like that."

The object is basically public relations. Domestic use would make it easier to avoid questions from others about possible safety considerations, said Secretary Michael Wynne. "Of course that assumes there are no 'safety considerations' in the first place, but that's what we'll find out when we nuke some protestors."

"If we're not willing to use it here against our fellow citizens, exercising their constitutional rights to free assembly and to petition government, then we should not be willing to use it against people who are trying to blow us up," said Wynne. "My logic is impeccable, no?"

The Air Force has paid for research into nonlethal weapons, but he said the service is unlikely to spend more money on development until injury problems are reviewed by medical experts and resolved. "Anybody know where there's a demonstration this weekend?" Wynne asked.

Nonlethal weapons generally can weaken people if they are hit with the beam. Some of the weapons can emit short, intense energy pulses that also can be effective in disabling some electronic devices. "Can you imagine how the enemy will freak when we fry their ipods?" Wynne said.

When asked to explain the ethical considerations of testing weapons on American citizens, Secretary Wynne said, "if I hit somebody with a nonlethal weapon and they claim that it injured them in a way that was not intended, I think that I would be vilified in the world press. But if that person is Cindy Sheehan...pfffttt...what. ever."