Thursday, September 21, 2006

We're Sorry. Your Call Cannot Be Completed As Dialed. Please Hang Up And Turn Yourself In

Now look, when Tom Jefferson and the boys wrote up the Constitution, no one had even heard of Iraq. Oh, wait, Iraq's not the problem. OK, no one had heard of waterboarding...oops...that's our problem. one had heard of the Islamofascist Ninja Shadow Demons from Mars. Or something like that. Anyway, the founding fathers were hopelessly quaint in their outlook and the fact that America and the whole of Western civilization is on the verge of destruction at the hands of a bunch of guys who live in caves just proves that we need a whole new outlook.

The Bush administration asked an appeals court Thursday to step in immediately and dismiss a lawsuit over the government's warrantless eavesdropping program, calling a lower judge's ruling dangerous and wrong. "We have to give up our personal freedoms to be free," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "Anything less and the terrorists win."

Government attorneys argued that continuing the case would risk the disclosure of "highly sensitive foreign intelligence information." Asked for an explanation, a Justice Department lawyer said, "Heck I don't know. We haven't had any sensitive foreign intelligence information since "Bin Laden Determined To Strike In The US."

Typically, appeals are filed at the conclusion of a case in trial court; however, in this case, Justice Department attorneys are asking the 9th Circuit to step in now given the sensitivity and urgency of national security. "We need this decided right now," said a Justice Department spokesperson. "The longer it goes on the more likely it is that people will figure out we're just fishing."

The decision, the latest of several rulings on the controversial program, drew a stern rebuke this week from vice president Cheney. He called it "just plain wrong. Oh, and were you aware that U.S. District Judge Garr King, the judge who ruled against us, calls his wife his little Snickerdoodle?"

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