Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Of Course, It Could Just Mean The Terrorists Are Stuck In Traffic

You know, we kind of like George Bush. Whenever he spends twenty minutes trying to scare the bejeezus out of us he always closes with something to the effect that if we'll just trust him, the bad terrorists won't be able to steal our daughters and burn us in our beds at night. You have to appreciate a glass half full kind of fellow like that. We like that so much better than Cheney's "if they don't kill you, I will" approach to governance.

Now, in the interests of full disclosure--which we're really not interested in, but the phrase seems popular and being popular is what we're all about here at IM Central--in the interests of full disclosure, we didn't watch the president's 9/11 speech the other night because...well... because we've heard the speech for years now, and the Stoli had been in the freezer long enough.
But we digress. Other people watched the speech and for some reason it upset them.

Bitter partisan squabbles engulfed Capitol Hill, sparked by President Bush's 9/11 speech that was not supposed to be political. "Look, the president is a failed businessman, a lousy student, and he couldn't even get being a drunk right. What else does he have but politics?" said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob.

"Right," said Senator Harry Reid (D-IFoundMyMaleParts). "And his skill as a politician makes his student days look like Rhodes scholarship stuff. Oh, wait. That was Bill Clinton."

In his speech, Bush portrayed the war in Iraq as part of a "struggle for civilization" with terrorists -- one on par with the World War II struggle against fascism and the Nazis. "OK, so the terrorists don't have a country, don't have an army, navy or air force, don't really have a single leader and can't even really agree among themselves on a common policy, but other than that, it's real close," the president said.

"I am often asked why we are in Iraq when Saddam Hussein was not responsible for the 9/11 attacks," Bush continued. "The answer is how the heck do I know? I was on vacation in Crawford."

"This was not a speech that was designed to single out anybody for partisan reasons," Snowjob said. Well, except for the blame America first terrorist enabling America Haters. Them and the democrats. Oh, wait, those are the democrats. My bad."

But the speech was partisan, Reid charged. "By focusing on Iraq in the manner he did, the president engaged in an all-too-familiar administration tactic: conflate and blur the war in Iraq with the response to 9/11," he added.

"What's your point?" Snowjob asked. "After all, there have been no attacks in the United States since 9/11," he added.

"OK let me get this straight," said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, (D-Uppity Woman). "You want us to believe that the administration that squandered the world's good will after 9/11; the administration that had Osama bin Laden at Tora Bora and let him go; the administration that botched the wrong war in the wrong country; the administration that couldn't tell its elbow from a hole in the ground after Katrina hit; this is the administration has been keeping America safe?"

"Well it sounds so negative when you put it like that," Snowjob said.

"I listen to the questions today and I listen to my Democrat friends, and I wonder if they are more interested in protecting the terrorists than protecting the American people," House Majority Leader John Boehner, (R-KissyBushylikeylicky), said "Not that I'm trying to change the subject from our idiot policies to patriotism or anything."

Senator Rick Santorum, (R-Sockpuppet), who took the floor after Reid's comments denounced them. "The very people that planned the attacks are the people who are in Iraq -- al Qaeda in Iraq -- causing that sectarian violence," he said. "Should we ignore that, I ask the senator from Nevada? Because everyone knows that's the only other choice we have."

Santorum also disagreed with Reid's characterization of the president's speech."The president did not give a political speech last night," he said. "He spoke of the reality of the conflict that is before us. It is not popular to do so, I know. It is not popular to stand up and support a conflict that is difficult ... to deal with every day."

At that point the Senator's voice cracked with emotion. "You think I like defending failure? You think it's easy to explain policies that have no basis in reality? You try looking children in the eye whose fathers have died in Iraq and telling them it was the right thing to do. Well, I've never actually had to do that because I won't go anywhere near the family of a dead soldier, but you can imagine how hard it would be. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, Democrats love the terrorists..."

We'd like to break into the senator's rant here to point your attention over to the ne'er do wells on the right and ask you to welcome J.P.. We can't vouch for his taste in...erm...adult beverages, but his ability to embed You Tube videos in his blog makes us jealous and has us thinking about writing in this blog while we're sober enough to figure stuff like that out ourselves.

2 comments:

George said...

Forget about embedding YouTube videos--just keep up headlines as good as this one and no one will notice.

J.P. said...

Thanks for the shout-out and the inclusion on your blog roll.
Oh, that tag descrbing Santorum?
Senator Rick Santorum, (R-Sockpuppet)

Priceless!