Thursday, August 03, 2006

And In My Dreams It Rains Rose Petals. In My Dreams

Oh, yeah baby! We're Ironicus and we're on a ROAD TRIP! Well, technically we were on a road trip because we're back now, and as sharp eyed readers of this blog may have noticed, entries have been as scarce as mid-east peace plans the past few days. (Sorry we didn't call mom, but the bars were so lost your number...umm...there was no cell coverage where we were? Yeah. That's the ticket.)

And so we bid a fond adieu to the places we went, and the people we met. Even our romantic mode of conveyance has returned to the mundane means by which we transport ourselves to and from the place where our superiors are under the delusion that we are actually doing something for which we might ethically expect to be paid. Some people.

And speaking of some people, we see that Secretary of Defense Crusty McDizzy has deigned to come down off his perch and address the common mortals.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld warned on Thursday against pulling U.S. troops out of Iraq before the second coming, saying it would be seen as a victory by extremists who want to control the Middle East. "If we leave before Jesus controls that region of the middle east, then Allah will control that region of the middle east and Jesus won't," Rumsfeld told a Congressional Committee. "It's a pretty complicated scenario. I wouldn't expect you to understand."

When one Senator asked him if the goal wasn't to let the people who live in the region control themselves, Rumsfeld replied that "The US knows what's best for the people of the region, that's why they welcomed us as liberators."

Another Senator mentioned that with the death toll to American soldiers approaching 2600 and more than 40,000 civilian casualties the situation could hardly be called a welcome. Rumsfeld assured the committee that the party had "gotten just a little out of hand" and as soon as the Iraqi's were done celebrating things would get back to normal. "Shooting guns off and stuff is part of how they celebrate, he said. "Sort of like Kentucky."

The head of U.S. Central Command, Army General John Abizaid, played down prospects for reducing troop levels in Iraq this year because of violence in Baghdad. "But that doesn't me we aren't winning, because we are," he added. "You just don't hear about it from the main stream media because they keep getting shot before they can find a school we just painted, or a hospital we replaced the windows in. Just wait until we get the power back up to pre-war levels in Baghdad, then you'll see."

"Sectarian violence probably is as bad as I've seen it, in Baghdad in particular," he said. "If not stopped, it is possible that Iraq could move toward civil war." When asked if the situation in Iraq wasn't already indicative of a civil war Abizaid replied that he didn't think so "because Secretary Rumsfeld assured me that it wasn't. The man's clearly a genius."

The Pentagon last week agreed to add more than 3,000 troops to Iraq's capital, extending those soldiers' deployments. When asked how long he thought he could keep extending soldiers' deployments before it started to affect their morale, Rumsfeld replied that he was sure he could do it "until I'm out of office."

Marine Corps General Peter Pace, the top U.S. military officer, was asked by a senator if he would have seen the chance of civil war a year ago. He replied, "No sir. Of course the Secretary doesn't let us read the papers, or watch the news, so I"m probably not the best guy to ask."

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