Monday, August 21, 2006

But What If We Just Made Estee Lauder Take A Loyalty Oath?

OK, now we're scared. The terrorists have us surrounded. First they take away our shoes, then our water and now our cosmetics. We're thirsty, we can't run fast and we lack moisturizer. If western civilization is going to collapse at least let us get rid of our laugh lines first.

A terminal at the Tri-State Airport was evacuated after two containers in a female passenger's bag tested positive for liquid explosives, a Transportation Security Administration spokeswoman said, but the 2 bottles thought to be explosives were cosmetics. "We asked her what was in the bag and she said 'eau de toilette.' We thought she said she was going to blow the toilet."

The first alarm was set off at 9:15 a.m., when security personnel at a checkpoint ran an explosive trace detection test on a water bottle being carried by a passenger That test came back positive. A canine team subsequently was called in to check the bottle and it, too, indicated a possible explosive. "Turns out she had a ham sandwich in the bag too, and that's what the dogs were smelling," A TSA spokesperson told reporters.

When asked if it was possible the detection equipment had malfunctioned, an airport supervisor, speaking on condition of anonymity said, "Heck, none of this stuff works. We're just trying to keep the flying public from panicking."

Commercial airline service was suspended at least until 5 p.m., and about 100 passengers and airport employees were ordered to leave the terminal. "Why no, we don't think it was an over reaction," US Airways spokeswoman Valerie Wunder said. "You got a brown women carrying bottles with French writing on them. Do I have to draw you a picture?"

Airport manager Larry Salyers said he was told the 28-year-old woman was originally from Pakistan but had moved to Huntington, West Virginia, from Jackson, Michigan. "I was suspicious of her right away because Bill O'Reilly said Muslim women can't wear make up." he said.

Salyers said the bottles were moved by robot to a remote area of the airport where officials would detonate them. Later he confirmed that the bottles had not been detonated after an expert from the cosmetics counter of the local Target had been called in.

The woman was detained for questioning by the FBI and both the TSA and FBI were on-site conducting interviews. "It looks like it was just a big mixup," said one FBI agent. We got it straightened out once we found someone who could read French."

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