Look, You Lost. Take My Word For It OK? I'm The President

We're as happy as everyone else that the Israelis and Hezbollah have decided to stop blowing up civilians, and we understand that the whole point of having a war is to win and stand on the ashes of your enemy beating your chest and howling at the moon. Or restore peace. One of those.

Anyway we're having a little trouble completing our scorecard on this one. President Bush said Israel defeated Hezbollah's guerrillas in the month long Mideast war and that the Islamic militants were to blame for the deaths of hundreds of Lebanese civilians. "We kicked us some A Rab butt," Bush told a gathering of religious leaders in the Rose Garden. "I mean, the Israelis were able to drive the terrorists from a dangerous area of south Lebanon and thus restore peace to the region. Well, except for the parts that are still fighting that is."

Hezbollah chief Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah said his guerrillas had achieved a strategic victory over Israel and that it was the wrong time to talk about disarming the group. "Yeah, you'd really like us to give up our weapons, huh Olmert? Then you'd have more than bupkis to show for all the bombs you dropped on the villages. Nice try, but no deal."

"Hezbollah attacked Israel. Hezbollah started the crisis, and Hezbollah suffered a defeat in this crisis," the president said. "They should quit shooting rockets into Israel and just accept that."

When asked about the Palestinians and the original Israeli soldier they captured that provoked an Israeli invasion of Gaza, the president replied "Who?"

Hezbollah has reserved the right to attack Israeli troops still in south Lebanon. "Cease fire? Yeah, we'll cease fire." Nasrallah said. "As soon as we kick your bagel eating butts back across the border. Wrap that up in a knish and send it to your momma Condo Lisa, or whatever your name is."

The United States backed Israel in the war, and Bush made clear he was determined to help the Israelis in the post-fighting struggle of words about who wound up on top. "I'm the president of the world's only remaining super power, so I'm like the referee for wars between smaller countries, and I say this one goes to the boys in the yarmulkes. Don't even have to look at the instant replay."

"Bush is about as good of a referee as he is a president, which is to say he sucks rocks." Nasrallah said. "We are before a strategic and historic victory, without any exaggeration, we emerged from the battle with our heads high, and our enemy is the one who is defeated."

Bush said Hezbollah lost, though Israel didn't knock out the guerrillas. "It's a TKO that's for sure, but Israel was way ahead on points anyway."

"Right. Bush has a strong grip on reality. He thinks he's winning in Iraq. Case closed." the Shi'ite cleric said. "I call on the people, the resistance lovers and supporters to pass over what they have heard,"

"Hezbollah, of course, has got a fantastic propaganda machine, and they're claiming victories," Bush said. "But how can you claim victory when, at one time, you were a state within a state, safe within southern Lebanon, and now you're going to be replaced by a Lebanese army and an international force?"

"Umm...maybe because nothing has changed except the insignia on the side of the jeeps that drive around ignoring us?" Nasrallah said.

"We certainly hope the cease-fire holds because it is step one of making sure that Lebanon's democracy is strengthened," Bush said. "Plus Israel really can't take too many more 'victories' like this one."

Nasrallah said Hezbollah would immediately start repairing bomb-damaged homes and would pay a year's rent and other costs to help the owners of about 15,000 destroyed houses.

"See, there's that propaganda again," the president said. "Going around fixing people's homes and helping them rebuild their lives after the Israelis bombed the crap out of them isn't going to win him many friends in the region. Face it Nasrallah, we killed more Lebanese civilians than you killed Israeli civilians. You lose on points rag head."

"Oh, you think this is over frat boy?" the cleric responded. "Better tell your Israeli overlords to start sleeping in their kevlar pajamas."

"Bring it on falafel face. My god will kick your god's butt."

"Will not."

"Will to."

Hmm...it's good to know our future will be determined in the cool light of reason and measured discourse. If you need us, we'll be hiding in the closet.