Donald Rumsfeld...When Wrecking One Country Just Isn't Enough

Sometimes we think this blog would not exist were it not for Don Rumsfeld. Then we think we might not exist because of Don Rumsfeld. But then we realize Don Rumsfeld is only one bulb in the blinking string of brilliance that is the Bush administration and we figure what's the use of worrying, it's not like any of them feel a particular sense of regard or responsibility for the reality in which the rest of us live out our meager existences.

Anyway, since we turned the wheel of the great ship Ironicus over to Mr. Rumsfeld yesterday we felt we couldn't let him off the hook without a bit of a retrospective. OK, retrospective isn't the right word because every time we look back on his career our bowels loosen, so let's look at what he's done recently.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld warned potential adversaries on Monday that the United States remained capable of responding to military threats at home and abroad, despite its troop commitments in Iraq and Afghanistan. "I got troops in Alaska, the secretary said. "And I"m not afraid to use them. Again."

"It would be unfortunate if other countries thought that because we have 136,000 troops bogged down in Iraq today, because two thirds of the nation thinks I'm a blithering idiot, becauseI haven't made a single right decision since I got pineapple on only half of that pizza, that we're not capable of defending our country or doing anything that we might need to do," he said.

When asked why he hadn't included the over 10,000 troops in Afghanistan Rumsfeld said, "Shoot. I forgot about them. OK maybe some countries can wonder if we are capable of defending ourselves. But not Iran. Nuh Uh. We're not afraid of you Ahmadinejad. No way. I'm not just blowing smoke either. I mean it. You don't scare us. Not even a little."

Rumsfeld said the U.S. military has shown its ability to respond to new missions. He noted the military's role in responding to natural disasters, such as Hurricane Katrina last year. Later a spokesman from his office clarified he remarks. "Bad example. How about parades? We provide a lot of military representatives for parades around the nation. And funerals. We always get a military presence to funerals. It's our way of supporting the troops."

Rumsfeld said there was no doubt the United States could win militarily in Iraq if it stayed the course. "The important question is not whether we can win. Of course we can win. We won't lose a single battle," he said. "Now, of course we might come in second in some of the battles, but that's not really like losing, that's just being the alternate winner."

When asked by reporters if thinking about war in terms of battles didn't indicate that he really didn't understand the concept of fourth generation war, the Secretary said, "Well, we could be in Iraq that long, but so what? Are you, one of those whiners from Alaska?"