OK We'll Talk, But We Won't Listen

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice said the U.S. will join other nations in holding direct talks with Iran on its nuclear program if Tehran first agrees to stop IMing the president because he didn't respond to their letter.

"Our message to the Iranians is that one, I can't even figure out how to find porn on a computer, and two, my IM nickname is not CementHead," Bush said.

"I thought it was important for the United States to take the lead — along with our partners," Bush said. "Of course if we take the lead with partners, then we aren't really in the lead because 'lead' means we're out front of everyone else, but if we were out front of everyone else we would have been talking to Iran months ago when everyone wanted us to, so they were leading us I guess. But now we're leading them with our partners, but not really 'leading' leading so I guess I'm saying...Oh, heck I don't know what I'm saying. Where's Dick?"

Later Bush told reporters, "I believe this problem can be solved diplomatically and I'm going to give it every effort to do so." At which point the Vice President, who had been sitting behind Bush on the podium began laughing uncontrollably and had to be assisted by paramedics.

Rice said at the State Department that the United States will come to the negotiating table as soon as Iran fully and verifiably stops publishing "photos of me in my boots" alongside rumors that Cheney likes to be spanked.

For its part, Iran has for months refused to do what the U.S. is now demanding as a first step to talks. "Oh, we know that Cheney is into the whip," said a spokesperson for the Iranian government. "Especially after he's had a an afternoon of hunting the...I believe you call it the Wild Turkey."

European diplomats told The Associated Press that the announcement of a willingness to talk were conditioned on pledges from Russia and China to eventually support tough actions if Iran continued to defy a U.N. call to stop its disputed activities. "We were told we'd be able to watch as Secretary Rice's "tough actions" on the Iranians," said a spokesperson for the Chinese government. "And if we fully support the U. S. position, we're told she might apply some 'tough actions' on us."

U.S. allies and partners have pressured the Bush administration to engage Tehran directly, and Moscow and Beijing also are believed to support such a move. "It's a shame to waste those boots...er...that talent...I mean we should pursue any chance for peace we can," said a spokesman for the British Embassay.