OK We'll Talk, But We Won't Listen

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice said the U.S. will join other nations in holding direct talks with Iran on its nuclear program if Tehran first agrees to stop IMing the president because he didn't respond to their letter.

"Our message to the Iranians is that one, I can't even figure out how to find porn on a computer, and two, my IM nickname is not CementHead," Bush said.

"I thought it was important for the United States to take the lead — along with our partners," Bush said. "Of course if we take the lead with partners, then we aren't really in the lead because 'lead' means we're out front of everyone else, but if we were out front of everyone else we would have been talking to Iran months ago when everyone wanted us to, so they were leading us I guess. But now we're leading them with our partners, but not really 'leading' leading so I guess I'm saying...Oh, heck I don't know what I'm saying. Where's Dick?"

Later Bush told reporters, "I believe this problem can be solved diplomatically and I'm going to give it every effort to do so." At which point the Vice President, who had been sitting behind Bush on the podium began laughing uncontrollably and had to be assisted by paramedics.

Rice said at the State Department that the United States will come to the negotiating table as soon as Iran fully and verifiably stops publishing "photos of me in my boots" alongside rumors that Cheney likes to be spanked.

For its part, Iran has for months refused to do what the U.S. is now demanding as a first step to talks. "Oh, we know that Cheney is into the whip," said a spokesperson for the Iranian government. "Especially after he's had a an afternoon of hunting the...I believe you call it the Wild Turkey."

European diplomats told The Associated Press that the announcement of a willingness to talk were conditioned on pledges from Russia and China to eventually support tough actions if Iran continued to defy a U.N. call to stop its disputed activities. "We were told we'd be able to watch as Secretary Rice's "tough actions" on the Iranians," said a spokesperson for the Chinese government. "And if we fully support the U. S. position, we're told she might apply some 'tough actions' on us."

U.S. allies and partners have pressured the Bush administration to engage Tehran directly, and Moscow and Beijing also are believed to support such a move. "It's a shame to waste those boots...er...that talent...I mean we should pursue any chance for peace we can," said a spokesman for the British Embassay.

That Less I Told You About? It's Really More

See, the president is all like don't be talking about us tapping your phones and don't be sending pictures all over the internets about what's going on at Abu Gra Hib because that like tips off the enemy to our plans and stuff. Makes winning the war a lot harder when we're in court all the time.

Good strategy, but he should have applied it to the Iraqis as well because when he told them we will stand down when they stand up, they took their seats like Sherman took Atlanta.

So now, instead of soldiers coming home after their third or fourth tour of being greeted as liberators, more are going in.

U.S. military commanders are moving about 1,500 troops from a reserve force in Kuwait into the volatile Anbar province in western Iraq to help local authorities establish order there. "The United States stands ready to help the Iraqi democracy succeed," Bush said. "If by 'succeed' you mean quit blowing each other up long enough for us to get out of there."

"Although I've been responsible for some very difficult times for the Iraqi people, I'm impressed by the courage of the leadership, impressed by the determination of the people," Bush said. "I just wish they weren't so determined to turn this into another Vietnam. Not that there's any similarities between the two wars. Except that I didn't have anything to do with either one."

The deployment comes at a time when the Bush administration is under heavy election-year pressure to begin drawing down the roughly 130,000 American troops in Iraq. When asked how increasing the number of soldiers in the combat zone would be explained, White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob said, "Reporters who report on the White House announcement were subject to arrest and imprisonment. That answer your question, cuddles?"

The White House presentation was aimed at countering negative news from the region. "The terrorists can target the innocent, or the tired or the vulnerable, but they will soon get tired of attacking the Americans," said Samir Sumaidaie, Iraq's ambassador to the United States.

In a statement Tuesday, the military command in Iraq described the new deployment as short-term. The plan is to keep the latest troops — two battalions of the 2nd Brigade, 1st Armored Division — in Anbar no longer than four months, said one military official, who requested anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss the details of the move. "I'm also not authorized to tell you how long they will be there either. I just pulled four months out of my butt."

"The situation in Al Anbar Province is currently a challenge but is not representative of the overall security situation in Iraq," said Lt. Col. Michelle Martin-Hing, spokeswoman for Multi-National Corps-Iraq. "Which I would characterize as completely FUBAR. Those Anbar boys are going to have to get their act together if they want to get to the level of the rest of the country."

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, want some company while you're out there turning ground round into charcoal briquettes? Roxy's available.


Roxy is very mellow and pretty skittish around loud noises. He is also very loving and affectionate. He will stand right by his foster mom and will get closer and closer for attention. He is also good at slipping between the family dogs and his foster mom to get attention. He has a playful side and he likes to get out in the yard to run and stretch his legs. He is a collector and he likes to take all the toys to his crate. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Hounds Home For The Holiday

Oh Boy, Oh boy. The overlords are about to change your life. They're about to be riding the crest of all the newfound interest in greyhound racing, right Mr. Fraser?

"We expect 2006 to be an exciting racing season in the state of Colorado. We have spent the last year refining our business model and making improvements to our properties so we can provide the ultimate experience in racing entertainment," said Bruce Fraser, executive vice president of operations, BLB, Inc. USA. "We anticipate a significant increase in rube attendance across all of our properties, including more family and corporate events, as a result of our commitment to provide a safe, fun and thrilling atmosphere that can be enjoyed by Coloradoans of all ages."

Yes sir, nothing like taking the kids to a night of betting the rent money on the exploitation of animals. Plus there are drunks! You have to hand it to the overlords. They know a good thing when they see it, right Mr. Sarkis?

Wonderland dog track is on the brink of closing, with a decision expected in coming weeks, executives said.While track owner Charles Sarkis is pushing to keep the greyhound racing venue limping along, so far it has been a "“fruitless exercise,"” Richard Dalton, the trackÂ’s top executive, said.

Woo Hoo. What can be more fun on a Saturday night than a little fruitless exercise...wait...that doesn't sound good. Does Mr. Fraser know about this? Are you as confused as we are Bella?

Bella is very sweet and affectionate. She likes to follow the foster family around. She likes to be petted a lot. She is outgoing, friendly, happy and social. She often greets her family with a wagging tail and she likes to give kisses. She is generally easygoing and mellow most, but when you want to play, she will play too.
She was used for breeding before her rescue. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Hounds Home For The Holiday

Woo Hoo! Another day off coming up and in the true American tradition we plan to totally forget why we're having a holiday and spend the time looking for the bottom of the Stoly bottle.

And speaking of tradition, we also plan to honor another tradition which we just made up, Hounds Home for the Holiday by expanding our weekly Hound Blogging from once a week to...well...more than once a week. We're not really sure how all this is going to work out because we haven't really thought it through.

But hey, isn't We Didn't Think It Through like the mantra of blogs or something? Or maybe that's Bush's motto. Anyway, a holiday is coming so who cares. For today's Hounderama let's get international.

"Go Irish" is becoming the motto for a group of northwest Ohio dog lovers who promote adoptions of unwanted greyhounds. In the case of the North Coast Greyhound Connection, the dogs are retired from Irish racetracks.

Ay, and they'll not be worryin' about with those bleedin' mongo saps what used to own 'em once they hit the states, eh Fire?


Fire AKA Coal is very outgoing and friendly. He is confident and very happy - his tail wags in circles. He is very affectionate. He will approach and place his face in you hand for attention. He follows the foster family around the home all the time. When there are many firecrackers going off in the neighborhood, he thinks it is the starting gun and he is ready to run. He is curious when he hears dogs barking on the TV. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

We're Not Feeling Funny Today

We borrowed this photo from firedoglake. Please copy it and send it to your Congressional representatives with the caption, "You let this happen."

For good measure, send it to some media outlets as well. You know who they are.

Do The Voices In My Head Get To Vote Too?

Ok, so maybe the president's poll numbers aren't exactly what one might call...er...favorable, if by favorable one means able to walk down a street in a medium to large city and not have rocks thrown at one, but just in case you are one of those people who think that things will get better as soon as the democrats take over, we bring you this little tale from the Yellowhammer state. Of course, any state that goes by a nickname like Yellowhammer, probably deserves what it gets.

A Democratic candidate for Alabama attorney general denies the Holocaust occurred and said Friday he will speak this weekend to a "pro-white" organization that is widely viewed as being racist. "We tried to find a pro-white group that wasn't racist," said a campaign aide. "But most of them were made up of Jews or Catholics."

Larry Darby concedes his views are idiotic, but he said they should help him win wide support among Alabama voters as he tries to "reawaken white racial awareness" with his campaign. "The Attorney General is in charge of the application of justice in the state," Darby told reporters. "And white guys are supposed to be in charge of stuff. It says that in the bible somewhere. Or maybe the Constitution."

"It's time to stop pushing down the white man. We've been discriminated against too long," Darby said in the interview. When asked to explain Darby said, "Look at Congress. A sea of white faces. Look at any medium to large police force. Mostly white faces. But look at any prison and what do you see? Mostly black and brown faces."

Several followup questions by reporters did not lead to a clarification of Darby's position. Finally he said, "Let me put it this way: "I am what rational people call a Holocaust denier, but I do not deny mass deaths that included some Jews," Darby said. "There was no systematic extermination of Jews in the camps the Jews were sent to be exterminated. There's no evidence of that at all on the web sites I read."

When asked how his views on racial discrimination against the white race, and his belief that there was no holocaust would impact his operation of the Attorney General's office Darby replied that it meant a fair trial to every "non Jew white male. "Justice has been blind too long," he said. "She needs to dang well pay attention to what the darkies are doing to my country."

When Darby was reminded that two of the top posts in the Bush administration, Attorney General and Secretary of State, were held by minorities he replied that "proves my point. We'd of never got into the Iraq mess if white guys had been in charge."

Darby also has publicly advocated legalizing drugs and shooting all illegal immigrants. "Well, I didn't say shoot to kill," Darby explained. "And I've been reevaluating my position on legalizing drugs since I found out that most of the drugs I take are prescription and probably legal."

Darby, founder of the Atheist Law Center and a longtime supporter of separation of church and state, said he has no money for campaign advertising and has made only a few campaign speeches. "Most of my supporters can't read, so they can't fill out the forms for bank accounts. I do get quite a few pigs and chickens though."

Friday Hound Blogging

See, you don't just become an overlord. It's a science, and an art, if by science you mean being able to tell time with a digital watch, and if by art you mean knowing how long you can live in the trailer park before the creditors catch up with you. Learning to exploit the units...er...developing the skills and attributes of a seasoned racing expert takes years of training, apprenticeship, and experience. You have to develop your eye to be able to spot rubes at the track...er...talent, you have to be able to spot talent. You have to get a feel for how much you can milk a mark...er...how much heart a particular unit has.

You have to learn how to close doors.

On May 6, Mohogany and two other dogs from the Bad Boy Racing kennel were loaded into a compartment of a dog hauler at the Daytona Beach Kennel Club in Florida. The dogs and 27 others were being moved to a Belmont, N.H., track. Sometime after midnight along a rural section of I-95 in South Carolina, the driver of the hauler was flashed down by motorists. The hauler door had opened and dogs were missing.

"This sort of thing could have happened to anyone," said a representative of the kennel. Those doors on the hauler have this clasp like thing that makes a loud click when they are secured. If the buzzing in your head is particularly loud that day, you may not hear that and just think it's closed. "

Doug and Elizabeth Mayer of Chapin were driving home along I-95 from a weekend trip to Hilton Head. They saw a muzzled greyhound standing in the median. The Mayers stopped and found the dog was injured. They decided to put the dog in their car. The rescued black-and-orange was Mohogany.

"Who's paying the vet bill?" the kennel representative said. "I mean, thank heaven the dog is OK. We really care about the dogs."

One of Mohogany’s kennel mates, September Bride also was found. “Angel,” as she has been dubbed, is in the care of Greyhound Lifesavers in Lexington. A third greyhound, Sparks, has not been found, though the search continues.

"They aren't going to be able to race again so if you find Sparks just keep him," said Bad Boy Kennel owner Claude Stickwater. "I mean, we'll continue to search until we find him, because we're all about the dogs."

Yeah, we can see that. Well, you won't need any rides from strangers now that your retired huh, Chekita?


Chekita aka Mia is extremely loving, and intelligent. She loves to be caressed. She is very lovable, loves people, and is a classic greyhound “leaner." She is playful and energetic at times and has “happy tail” that wags all the time. She loves to run around the back yard, but she also enjoys relaxing in the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

I Was Against Militarizing The Borders Before I Was For It

Now, we're as interested as the next person when the press actually does its job. If by interested you mean we don't really give a rip because we gave up on the MSM a long time ago. If by a long time ago you mean we never really had much faith in people who are just so excited to be able to ask the president what his favorite tree is they almost soil themselves.

Still, we're a little concerned that some of these, for lack of a more appropriate word, journalists may be putting themselves at great risk going up against the Skeletor. It seems that in a 2005 interview with Bill O'Reilly (yes, that Bill O'Reilly) when asked about putting National Guard Troops on the boarder Chertoff said, "I think it would be a horribly overexpensive and very difficult way to manage this problem. I think there's a smarter way to do it."

Ha. That's what you get for thinking without clearing it through Karl Rove. Ask der Geschaftsfuhrer aus die Heimut what he thinks now and you'll get this: The first of 6,000 troops are expected to arrive on the U.S.-Mexico border next month. Michael Chertoff says the National Guard will be part of a comprehensive approach to border security. "We can have a transformative effect on our immigration problem and illegal migration problem that has plagued this country for over 20 years."

So. There it is. As blatant a contradiction as you'll get in an administration filled with contradictions. This is red meat to any reporter with a scintilla of integrity left. Oh look, and here they come. First up, MSNBC's Randy Meier:

MEIER: President Bush wants 6,000 National Guard troops on those borders, serving two or three weeks at a time in stints like that. That means up to 156,000 troops would serve on the border over the next two years or so. And people are asking, "Are we asking too much of the National Guard? We have troops in Iraq; we have troops in Afghanistan; we have a hurricane season coming up. Can they do all of this?"

CHERTOFF: Well, Randy, there are about 450,0000 total members of the National Guard. And all that would be serving at any one time, at most, would be 6,000. So the National Guard's comfortable that this is not going to interfere with the other important missions that the guardsmen do.

MEIER: California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger calls the National Guard plan a Band-Aid fix. New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson also said this is a short-term fix.

CHERTOFF: Well, I'm sure the border states are going to support the effort here, which is to use the National Guard as a bridge while we get the Border Patrol recruiting process to the point that we can add 6,000 more permanent Border Patrol to the border.

MEIER: Mr. Secretary, who will be in charge down there?

Umm...well...OK...maybe Meier doesn't watch Bill O'Reilly. Let's try Soledad O'Brien. She's not just a pretty face you know. Sic 'em Soledad:

S. O'BRIEN: Other people have said -- who are critical will say, you're stretching the National Guard when, in fact, you take National Guard troops and put them in this capacity. Is there not a shortage of National Guard troops in California?

CHERTOFF: Well, I actually spoke to the governor yesterday and what we need to make clear is, first of all, the total number of National Guardsmen is about 450,000. So this is less than 2 percent of the total guard that we would talk about cycling into the border over the next year to two years. Secondly; they wouldn't all come from California.

S. O'BRIEN: More border patrol help would essentially mean you have more people being arrested and you're not really, in the very short term, adding to the detention facilities, are you?

Yeah! Remember what you told Bill O'Reilly about detention facilities you hypocritical son of... wait. What?

Oh look, there's National Public Radio's Michelle Morris. NPR Baby! You're going to bite the big one now Director Death Mask. This will be fun:

Chertoff said the Guard will be used in areas where they already have training: building infrastructure, for example, or conducting helicopter surveillance.

That's it? That's all you got? You're NPR, man. The Republicans hate you because you, like report and stuff. Come on National Public Radio. Public, you know, like in the people. Like...oh never mind. Who's left?

Lou Dobbs? Neil Cavuto? Those guys are to journalism what bananas are to evolution.

Guess we were wrong to be worried. Pass the Stoly will you, Hannity and token is coming on.

When I'm Done Being president, I'm Gonna Be One A Them There Stand Up Comeeduns

One of the nice things about carrying your own personal reality around in your head is that it enables you to have a good time, no matter where you are or what's going on around you.

President Bush laid out all the trappings yesterday for visiting Australian Prime Minister John Howard. When he escorted Howard into the East Room to meet reporters, he cracked jokes at Howard's expense and did everything but give him a nickname. "He may not be the prettiest person on the block," Bush said as Howard guffawed, "but when he tells you something, you can pretty much figure he's just repeating something you already told him. I like that in an ally."

"Hey Mister president," Howard teased back, "Find those WMD's yet?"

"Har Har Har," the reporters responded after cue cards were displayed. "You're a jolly jokester," Bush said, slapping Howard on the back and causing his false teeth to fly into the crowd.

"Har Har Har," the reporters responded.

"Fruit loop," Howard said.

"That's president Fruit loop to you," Bush said.

Little wonder the president lavished such attention on his counterpart from Down Under. When it comes to Bush's "coalition of the willing" partners, Howard is virtually the last man standing. "Yeah, I've had dogs that aren't as loyal as Johnny here. Right Johnny? You don't mind if I call you Johnny, do you, Johnny?"

"No worries. Can I call you Georgie Drongo?" Howard replied.

"You bet. What's that, like saying I'm a smart guy or something?"

"Or something," Howard responded, grinning at the crowd.

"Har Har Har," the reporters responded.

Bush was eager to welcome Howard to the White House. Bush values personal relationships with foreign leaders, and aides have long said that Howard ranks among his favorites, possibly because he appears to be almost as clueless as the president.

"The people who supported the president, particularly on Iraq, in almost every case were doing so against their domestic public opinion and they paid a price," said James B. Steinberg, deputy national security adviser under Bill Clinton. "It's quite possible Howard has come to Washington to ask for asylum."

In a White House that has been stingy on black-tie dinners and the like -- even making Chinese Prime Minister Hu settle for a business-attire luncheon -- Howard got the full works. Bush even returned from Camp David early on Sunday to go to the Australian Embassy to plant some trees with the visiting prime minister. "When this president comes home from a vacation early, you know it's either a shameless ploy to take advantage of a dead women, or he forgot what day of the week it is again," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob.

"I admire John Howard's understanding that the war on terror is pretty stupid and that we've got to totally ignore that if we intend to succeed obeying the voices in my head, some of whom could be Jesus," Bush said in the East Room. He added, "The prime minister is capable of not only seeing the problems for today; he's capable of looking down the road. He is also capable of understanding why the chicken crossed the road, Right Johnny?"

"Oh, that's right on Mr. president. And let me just say that when history looks back on the Bush administration they will write that you were just about as useful as an ash tray on a motorcycle."
"Well, thank you Johnny," Bush responded. "And let me say that any good relationship is based on mutual trust. That's why I have asked Johnny to give me his cell number, so that we can carry on this trustful dialogue whenever the mood strikes anyone of us. Johnny, just give your number to General Hayden over there and he'll put it on my speed dial."

"Har Har Har," the reporters responded.

But He's Got A Great Personality

You know, having our own, shall we say, complicated relationship with reality, we can understand why the current crew from the clown car parked in front of the White House would want to...er...look on the bright side of things. Even if that bright side is in a galaxy far, far away.

Presidential adviser Karl Rove blamed the war in Iraq for dragging down president Bush's job approval ratings in public opinion polls. "People like this president," Rove said. "I mean, sure he's a murdering liar with the brains of SpongeBob Square Pants on psychotropic drugs and the social conscience of a Piranha. But if it wasn't for that he'd be the guy you'd want living next door."

Rove said that Bush's likeability ratings are far higher than his approval ratings. "There is a disconnect because for some reason the American people seem to think he should be, like competent, or something, but if we ask them how he would be as a village idiot, well, they like that. A lot."

On the economy, Rove credited the president's tax cuts, for a recovery that has gone on since late 2001. "The reality is, the tax cuts have helped make the U.S. economy the strongest in the world. Well, if you don't count that China actually owns the country now," Rove said.

"Corporate confidence is relatively high. In fact, it is much higher than the average of the last 40 years," said Rove, "I mean people are working two and three low wage no benefit jobs just to get by. Jobs in the manufacturing sector are disappearing faster than beer at a young Republicans meeting and what jobs are left are being shipped overseas. Is this a great time to be a corporate mogul or not?"

When asked how he could expect people to vote for Republicans when they were being indicted by the busload, the war started by Bush was dragging on with no end in sight and the national debt was threatening to wipe out the futures of generations of our children and grandchildren, Rove winked and said "9/11 baby. 9/11."

Is This The Party To Whom I Am Speaking?

We have to admit we haven't gotten too exercised over the current NSA wiretapping brouhaha. Of course all we use our cell phone for is calling the liquor store (Free delivery on orders over $50.00). Apparently though, ABC News has gotten its knickers all in a twist because they found out the government was targeting them.

A senior federal law enforcement official tells ABC News the government is tracking the phone numbers we call in an effort to root out confidential sources. "Well, duh," said a spokesperson for NSA. "Do they really buy all that 'hunting for terrorists' stuff? Those guys are smart, but take your average Joe trying to do what he thinks is the right thing to do and it's like shooting fish in a barrel."

ABC News does not know how the government determined who they were calling, or whether their phone records were provided to the government as part of the recently-disclosed NSA collection of domestic phone calls. "We're planning a very special 20/20 on this issue," said a spokesperson for the network. "We're going to call it 'The Fourth Amendment: This Time It's Personal.' Catchy huh?"

When asked if he thought the ABC story was more important than the fact the the illegal NSA wiretapping may have collected information on millions of innocent American citizens, the network spokesperson replied, "Well, sure. It's about us."

Under Bush Administration guidelines, it is not considered illegal for the government to keep track of numbers dialed by phone customers. Of course it's illegal for the phone companies to provide those numbers without a court order, but who's being picky?

People questioned by the FBI about leaks of intelligence information say the CIA was disturbed by ABC News reports that revealed the use of CIA predator missiles inside Pakistan. "We hate it when people find out about stuff like that," said an unnamed CIA official. "It really cramps our style to have to operate within the limits of the law."

Other sources indicated that phone calls and contacts by reporters for ABC News, along with the New York Times and the Washington Post, are being examined as part of a widespread CIA leak investigation. "That's grossly unfair," said a spokesperson for the Washington Post. "After all the nice things we've written about the Bush administration and all the support we gave to the war, to go and treat us like that...well, it's just poopy, that's all."

Well...maybe. What do you think Jill?

"You guys in the press have been sucking up to this president from the very beginning. You reported his lies, you bought the B.S., and you did it all for access and so you could get invited to the right parties, and so he could towel-snap you and give you stupid nicknames.

And where did it get you? Monitored by the NSA.

Maybe if you'd done your job from the beginning, we wouldn't be living in a fascist state run by a madman right now. But no....it was more important that Al Gore was stiff and John Kerry had no charisma. You wanted to drink beer with this guy? Fine. Drink your beer with him. But don't start crying now about your rights being violated. "

Heh. Indeedy. Back to you Bob.

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, here we are again heading into the warm season and with their usual high regard for the safety and well being of the units...er...dogs the overlords are shutting tracks down all over the country because "kennel cough" is running rampant. Again. "I don't know why everyone keeps blaming us for this," said one overlord. "It's the dogs who are sick."

Currently eight tracks are closed and quarantined across the country. The West Virginia Racing Commission, said no dogs are permitted to enter or exit Wheeling Island Racetrack. Wheeling Island experienced a sharp increase in cough scratches on o5/06/06 with 26 of the 29 scratches that day due to coughing. The cough is primarily affecting puppies, although there have been reports of older dogs being affected. "Puppies don't race," said a track official. "Well, not as much. Anyway why should our livelihood be affected by dogs that don't bring in any money anyway. This is just another example of government intrusion into private business."

Yeah. Pesky government. Always interfering, right Pinocchio?


Pinocchio is very mild mannered. He is very loving and affectionate. He likes to follow his foster mom around the house. He gives kisses and loves to be petted. He likes to play with toys. He likes to look at himself in the mirror. He is a curious, happy dog who prances when he walks. He also can sit. He has a pronounced overbite, which probably gave him his name. It is very endearing. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Badges? We Don't Need No Stinking Badges

Man. Is the NSA some bad dudes or what? It's like the Justice Department rolls up on their crib and gets all, like legal and everything. But the NSA boys, they just chill on the porch and they're all like, Oh Yeah Baby. We got your In Ves Ti Gation right here. Come on and get you some.

The government has abruptly ended an inquiry into the warrantless eavesdropping program because the National Security Agency refused to grant Justice Department lawyers the necessary security clearance to probe the matter. "I mean, we were like, all over there, you know, the whole crew with our black Suburbans and bullet proof vests and everything man," said one Justice Department official who asked not to be identified, "And like, they just locked the doors and stood in the lobby making faces at us. It was humiliating, man."

The inquiry headed by the Justice Department’s Office of Professional Responsibility, or OPR, sent a fax to Representative Maurice Hinchey, (D-Uppity White Guy), on Wednesday saying they were closing their inquiry because without clearance their lawyers cannot examine Justice lawyers’ role in the program. "We said we wanted to investigate them and they said no, so we're out," said a Justice Department lawyer.

Hinchey is one of many House Democrats who have been highly critical of the domestic eavesdropping program first revealed in December. "I guess he like, thinks the law matters over here or something," said an official at the NSA. "Didn't he get the memo from Cheney? What's Hinchey's phone number anyway?"

Bush’s decision to authorize the largest U.S. spy agency to monitor people inside the United States, without warrants, generated a host of questions about the program’s legal justification. "'Legal justification.' That's so Pre 9/11," said the NSA official.

Idiot President: The Sequel?

You know, you have to give it to the president. We mean, the guy is so happily clueless he's in a relationship with reality that it usually takes us the better part of a quart of Stoly to achieve. Today he finds himself in Florida where he's trying to explain why the incomprehensible Medicare prescription drug benefit plan is really quite simple. "If you like what I did in Iraq and you liked what I did after Katrina, you'll love my drug plan," the president told a crowd of seniors shortly after they had received afternoon meds.

In a Herculean attempt to avoid asking the president any meaningful questions, reporters assembled from the local Day Jobs office were forced to ask Bush if he thought his brother Jeb would run for president in 2008. "I would like to see Jeb run at some point in time, but I have no idea if that's his intention or not," Bush said. "It would be interesting to see if he could do as good a job as I have."

Jeb Bush, 53, will end his second term as governor in January. His brother George ends his second presidential term in January 2009. Neither can seek re-election because of term limits.

Wow. So there is a God.

Former President George H.W. Bush told CNN's "Larry King Live" last year that he would like Jeb Bush to run one day and that he would be "awfully good" as president. Or did he say "awful as president?" The transcript isn't clear.

The brothers Bush appeared together Tuesday during the president's visit to the Tampa area. Governor Bush was waiting on the tarmac when Air Force One arrived and greeted the president with a politician's handshake and "Welcome to Florida." The president brushed aside the formality and playfully adjusted his younger brother's necktie until the Governor's face tuned red and he collapsed, causing paramedics to be summoned. "That's for telling dad about my Playboys when I was in seventh grade," the president was heard to say as he stood over his brother.

The governor was not with the president during his visit to The Puerto Rican Club of Central Florida in Orlando because he was afraid it would pull down his poll numbers. Bush was 45 minutes into his speech when an aide informed him that the audience did not speak English. "Really," the president replied. "Let's get more audiences like this. I don't want what happened to Rummy to happen to me."

We Are Not Making This Up

OK, we admit that sometimes we may take a few...er...liberties with the quotes we report to you. It's all in the sense of a higher degree of clarity though, as we attempt to brush aside the thicket of manners, rationality and clear thinking that surround the truth, get directly at the little brute and poke it with a stick. Think of it as a sort of cave man journalism (or woman if you prefer, but remember women didn't count for much back then...sort of like Phyllis Schafley today. )

Occasionally though, we run across a story that even our rum soaked editorial expertise can't improve upon. This is one of those stories.

Once the color barrier has been broken, minority contractors seeking government work may need to overcome the Bush barrier. That's the message U.S. Housing and Urban Development Secretary Alphonso Jackson seemed to send during an April 28 talk in Dallas.

See, now you're thinking the above passage was brought to you courtesy of a twisted trip though the editorial facilities here at IM Central. Wrong. You see it as it is. But wait, there's more:

After discussing the huge strides the agency has made in doing business with minority-owned companies, Jackson closed with a cautionary tale, relaying a conversation he had with a prospective advertising contractor.

"He had made every effort to get a contract with HUD for 10 years," Jackson said of the prospective contractor. "He made a heck of a proposal and was on the (General Services Administration) list, so we selected him. He came to see me and thank me for selecting him. Then he said something ... he said, 'I have a problem with your president.'

"I said, 'What do you mean?' He said, 'I don't like President Bush.' I thought to myself, 'Brother, you have a disconnect -- the president is elected, I was selected. You wouldn't be getting the contract unless I was sitting here. If you have a problem with the president, don't tell the secretary.'

"He didn't get the contract," Jackson continued. "Why should I reward someone who doesn't like the president, so they can use funds to try to campaign against the president? Logic says they don't get the contract. That's the way I believe."

OK, now you're thinking that's gotta be the IM warp. Wrong again, we cut, we paste, you read. This guy is gonna make our job very easy. Unless of course he resigns.

Come on. This is just too good to be real. That statement had to violate about twenty federal regulations, not to mention state and local ordinances. The guy will probably be on his way to the unemployment office before we get home for dinner. Oh wait, Bush administration. Never mind.

Actually this worries us a little. When the random voices, psychotic ruminations, and bonkazoid utterances that have so far been trapped in the heads of those who lead us find their way into the public discourse, there will be no more need for blogs such as this one because craziness will be right there on the street for everyone to see, just like the grocery cart pushing person of indeterminate sex who tells all those who pass that he/she used to work for the CIA until being kidnapped by aliens on the way to a meeting of the Elf consortium.

And a sad day that will be esteemed readers, for it will mean we must pass from the scene, much as the dinosaurs, whom time abandoned to the dusty back shelves of history. Those mighty beasts whose roar once shook the very earth upon which they walked, now nothing but a child's attraction in a museum. Those mammoth twenty ton killing machines for whom the entire planet was a buffet, now reduced to a 99 cent squeaky toy bought to silence a toddler's whining. Oh, fate you are the cruel Captain of a cruel ship. What meteor of insanity streaks towards us even now? What will be the next idiocy, illegality, incomprehensibility uttered by our elected leaders and their sycophant patronage lackeys? Will it be enough? Will it be the end? John Bolton, call your office.

And On Top Of That It Came Postage Due

Aww...Now this is nice. Mr. Ahmadinejad has taken time out of his busy day scaring the bejeebus out of the Israelis to pen a nice letter to our president. Now, frequent readers of this blog are probably expecting some sort of crack about Mr. Bush's ability to read that letter, but we here at IM Central have our scruples you know. We're not about gratuitous attacks on people who have already shown by their demeanor, their private...um...shall we say peccadilloes and their public record that the Sign of the Doofus is on them like ugly on a Bulldog.

Besides, everyone knows Laura reads all of George's mail to him during his chocolate milk break in the afternoon.

The Bush administration said it had no knowledge of the letter and reiterated its demand that Iran suspend its nuclear activities. "We don't get the mail until late," said a White House spokesperson.

Iranian Government spokesman Gholamhossein Elham said, "In this letter, Ahmadinejad has given an analysis ... of new ways of getting out of the current delicate situation in the world." When pressed by reporters for specifics, Mr. Elham would only say that the letter included a first class ticket to "Get a clue."

Ahmadinejad's letter is the first publicly announced personal communication from an Iranian president to his U.S. counterpart since the 1979 Islamic revolution. "We couldn't get stamps until the USPS went online," a spokesperson for President Ahmadinejad said.

But its significance hinges on whether Iran changes chastising rhetoric which Washington habitually spurns. "Constantly referring to the president as a 'Boogerhead' and a 'Fundamentalist Whack Job' is not conducive to positive diplomacy," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snow.

"We thought those were terms of endearment," Elham replied. "We were just picking up on how most Americans refer to him. Perhaps our English is not so good."

Analysts thought there was little chance that Ahmadinejad would suggest that Iran could stop making nuclear fuel. On the contrary, they said he was most likely to address the United States from a position of strength. "Well, duh," Elham told reporters. "Bush's plan for the middle east couldn't of worked better for us if we'd written it ourselves."

"You Americans are so naive when it comes to dealing with leaders who are balls to the wall bonko," Elham said. "We've been doing it for years."

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, here's something you don't see every day, a letter to the editor from one of the overlords, and apparently one who knows how to use a thesaurus too. The impetus for this foray into the public domain appears to be in response to something a state legislator said about the injury rate of racing greyhounds, but let the overlord tell it:

LaFlamme would like us to believe that 19 percent to 38 percent of the racing greyhounds in New Hampshire suffer catastrophic injury while racing. He draws this (erroneous) conclusion not as a matter of empirical knowledge on his part, but because someone told him there were 1,000 to 2,000 greyhounds at the state's race tracks, and because, as a matter of state record, over the course of 2005 there were 372 injuries.

We can only speculate how long the author had been waiting to use the word "empirical" in a sentence. Probably since he saw it on the Word-a-Day calendar back in 1993. Anyway, the point of his argument is that LaFlamme's calculations are way off because there weren't 2000 greyhounds coming through the track, there were 4000. See, this is because it doesn't really matter if they get hurt or not, they have to win, or they get shipped out to another track for another chance to get hurt. But that' s in another state so we don't count that.

Anyway, injury isn't the point, as our intrepid scribe elucidates:

Racing greyhounds are vigorous and relentlessly energetic chasers, and they are selectively bred to be precisely that way. We can't keep them in glass bubbles, and we can't deny them the expression of their innermost and deeply seeded urges and needs — nor should we try. That would be the ultimate cruelty.

And, um...oh, by the way...We get to take advantage of that innermost and deeply seeded urge to make a little dough, right Sassy?

Sassy is young, happy, puppy-like, playful, and very energetic. She is not a typical track greyhound; she is more like a Lab in a greyhound body. If you want a doggie-dog, this is your girl. She is a larger girl, but she thinks she is the size of a Chihuahua. This can be a challenge when she jumps up to greet you. She is very affectionate. She wants to crawl up and lay in your lap. She likes to play tug or fetch and she can play for a long time. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Special to INOTBB: George, We're told this is an AKC greyhound. Could be Nigel's twin sister, no? What's an elegant lady doing with a bunch or roustabout ex-racers you ask? We're not at liberty to explain, but it has to do with the Witness Protection Plan.

We'll Need To See What You Have Under That Blouse. National Security You Know

Ah, well, Iraq is a mess, we're running out of oil, immigrants are taking over the country one landscaping company at a time, and we're blessed with a federal government that needs a manual to tell its elbow from a hole in the ground.

Still, this is too good to pass up.

Roberta Fletcher has complained to Sutter County, California supervisors that metal detectors at county buildings are so sensitive they are being set off by underwire bras. "Well, we've got it set so only a certain..er...mass of wire will set it off," said a building security guard who asked not to be identified. "If you're an A cup, you'll sail through no problem. We have intelligence that indicates terrorists are at least 34 C's."

Fletcher said the male security guard seemed to enjoy waving the handheld metal detector over her chest. "Well, the guys are out there on the front line of the war on terror," said a supervisor, who would only give his name as Bill. "They just need to blow off steam now and then."

"It is, at a minimum, for a woman, embarrassing. And at a maximum, it is sexual harassment to hold your arms outstretched while a male officer waves a wand in front of your breasts," Fletcher said. "Especially when they do it for twenty minutes."

"We think they should look on it as a compliment," said Sheriff Jim Denney at a hastily called news conference. "After all, what we're saying is they may have a dangerous rack. Get it? Don't write that down."

"I don't think it's harassment; it's protection," board Chairman Larry Munger told reporters. You never know when one of those things might go off. Don't write that down."

"Men just don't get it," Fletcher told the supervisors.

"Oh we get it," Munger said. "We're thinking of installing an X-ray machine next."

Hi. I'm The Secretary Of The Department Of The Painfully Obvious

From the "Sometimes it's too easy department:" U.S. Energy Secretary Sam Bodman said that high gasoline prices which have skyrocketed to a near record are a "crisis."

Ya think, Sammy? What was your first clue?

"It is a crisis in the sense of the individual," Bodman told reporters after a meeting with Saudi Oil Minister Ali al-Naimi. "American families are hurting."

Really? Well, it's good to know you're on the job. By the way, what is a 'crisis in the sense of the individual'? Is that anything like the crisis faced by the less that three percent of individual families who face the crisis of the estate tax? Oh wait, most of those people don't pay the tax anyway. Never mind.

President Bush ordered a probe into potential price profiteering. "If there is profiteering going on, I want to know about it," Bush said. "It's the kind of thing I wish we had back when I was in the oil business. Might have saved my butt."

Senate Republicans have proposed giving U.S. taxpayers a $100 check to offset high gasoline prices, and suspending some federal taxes. OK, now we see. A individual crisis is worth $100 bucks. A corporate crisis is worth 5 billion. We get it now.

When asked how much of a positive effect $100 could have on Americans' ability to cope with the high price of gasoline, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist said, "Well, a lot. If they use the money to buy a bicycle."

Tokens Agree To Smackdown; Steel Cage Optional

Oh, it's ON now baby! He's back and he's JACKED! Just home from Baghdad and eager to discuss promising developments, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice found herself knocked off message and forced to defend prewar planning and troop levels against Colin Ain't Whitey's Dawg No Mo' Powell.

"Man, I was all up in Bush's face before the war saying 'Dude, there's no way that small a posse is gonna get the job done.' And she was all like "Oh Mr. Dreamy president, you so smart. Don't listen to him. What he know? Just some chump with a bunch a stars on his shoulder. You the president.'"

Rice's mind was on the political breakthrough that had brought her and Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld sneaking into Iraq for an unannounced state visit and cleared the way for formation of yet another public relations show during which nothing really changes. Yet Powell sideswiped her by revisiting the question of whether the U.S. had a large enough force to oust Saddam Hussein and then secure the peace.

"I'm not going to get into a public debate with my predecessor," Rice told reporters. "But if I did, I'd be on him like ugly on a Bulldog."

"Bring it on stick woman," Powell replied. "If you can take time away from shopping for shoes that is."

Rice spent a good part of her appearances on talk shows grasping at straws to defend the White House to a public increasingly skeptical of the president's conduct of the war and his ability to walk and chew gum at the same time.

"I don't remember specifically what Secretary Puffy may be referring to, because frankly, no one ever listened to him, but I'm quite certain that there were lots of discussions about how best to use Iraq to make our fantasy world real," Rice said.

"In fact I can recall several times when we would call the president in from the TV room so one of the Chiefs of Staff could discuss what a great military tactician he was."

"I made the case to General Bonehead and Secretary Rain Man that I was not sure we had enough troops," Powell said "The case was made, it was listened to, it was ignored. ... A judgment was made by those responsible that the troop strength was adequate. Who knew their judgment was about as expert as a herd of jack a...well...I did, but I was just a field ni...well...you get my point."

Rice said Bush "listened to the advice of the voices in his head, and he listened to them several times because it's hard for him to focus for more than a minute or so. Must be residuals from all those years of cocaine or something."

"When the war plan was put together, it was put together with consideration of what would happen after Saddam Hussein was actually overthrown," Rice said. "You should have heard the debate as to whether the Iraqis would greet us with roses or daisies. It was brutal."

"There will be time to go back and look at those days of the war and, after the war, to examine what went right and what went wrong," Rice said. "Hopefully after the statute of limitations runs out."

"The president's military advisers, particularly Larry, Moe and Curly, felt that the size of the force was adequate; they may still feel that years later because you can't cure stupid." Powell said. "In my perspective, I would have preferred to win the war."

The goal and the purpose now is to make certain that we take advantage of what is now a very good movement forward on the political front to help this Iraqi government," Rice said. "If we can get these idiots to go a week without getting themselves blown up, we declare victory and we're outta there. Then I got your exit strategy right here Powell."