Come On...Can't We Do Just A Little Torture?

President Bush decided shortly after the September 11 attacks that terrorism detainees would be treated in accord with the Geneva Conventions. But according to the George Orwell Memorial Don't Look Over There Just Listen Photo Of The Day there have been some...er...inconsistencies in the policy.



The Bush administration pledged to veto legislation banning the torture of prisoners by US troops. "I don't get what all the fuss is about," said White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. "In the first place, these people are terrorists. Well, some of them are anyway. At least we think so. And those that aren't? Hey, if you want to make an omelet you have to break a few eggs."

The Senate vote saw the measure forbidding torture passed by 90 to nine. Most senators said the Abu Ghraib abuse scandal and similar allegations at the Guantanamo Bay prison influenced their votes. "You, know, this reality stuff. Sooner or later I guess we all have to pay attention to it," said Senate majority leader Bill Frist who supported the measure. "And since my campaign to be president pretty much got screwed with the Terri Schiavo thing I decided I'd do the right thing for once. Hey. Anybody want a hot stock tip?"

The man behind the legislation, Republican Senator John McCain, who was tortured as a prisoner in Vietnam, said, "Viet Cong stuck bamboo under my fingernails during the war while President Weenie was getting professional manicures, but he's so bad he wants to stuff glowsticks up people's behinds. What a wus."

The administration said Congress was attempting to tie its hands in the war against terrorism. "Well, actually you're trying to keep us from tying brown people's hands," said McClellan. Ha ha. Get it? Tie them up instead of us. I'm such a card."

The amendment was attached to the $440 billion defense spending bill and if Bush vetoes the amendment, he would have to veto the entire bill. That would leave America's armed forces in Iraq and Afghanistan short of cash as early as the middle of next month.

"We're ready for that," said McClellan. "We've been stocking up on dog leashes, women's underwear and dog biscuits." When asked if the pentagon had also increased spending on armor, ammunition and food for the troops McClellan smacked his hand to his forehead and said, "D'oh!"