What If They Gave A Conference And Nobody Came?

Full disclosure: We're not foreign policy experts. In fact we had to look up foreign in the dictionary to make sure we spelled it right. We went to Mexico once, but we don't remember much except waking up in an alley behind the Cantina without any pants on. Story for another time.

Anyway, even we have noticed that the Middle East is what you might call troubled, if by troubled you mean some off the charts bonkazoids are running around jihading everything that moves and fatwahing it if it doesn't. Don't you just know Pat Robertson wishes he could lay a fatwah the size of a Lincoln Navigator on all those Hollywood Jews (see page six) and James Dobson wishes he could turn all those crazy catholic jihadis loose on the nearest gay bar, or Synagogue. Whatever.

But back to the Middle East. Having noticed that the birthplace of the several major world religions is one of the most violent, hate filled, self destructive places on the planet (perhaps one could say a place where the ironicus is at its maximus) we noted with interest and a small degree of hope that not only was Secretary Rice taking time off from her hunt for that perfect pair of braided thong low heeled mules to head out for some big D diplomacy, she took the Secretary of Defense (which means he's in charge of all of America's wars) with her.

Ah, Americans. We're the eternal optimists, aren't we? Hand in hand our two intrepid sojourners head off to face that thorny, some would say intractable challenge that is peace in the Middle East. The top Bush administration officials, on a rare joint visit, arrived in the Egyptian resort of Sharm el-Sheikh with promises of tens of billions of dollars of military aid.

Yay! Peace through war. See, this is why we aren't diplomats. Who would have thought that the answer to generations of mutual killing and hatred in the region...was more efficient means of carrying out the killing that comes from mutual hatred. See, that way we maintain our position of neutrality. Very important for that negotiating stuff. If there's anyone left to negotiate with.

Iran has criticized the promised arms sales, accusing the United States of trying to destabilize the region."If there is a destabilization of the region it can be laid at the feet of an Iranian regime," said Rice.

Well, except for that whole Iraq invasion thing. It was in all the papers, Dr. Rice, we're surprised you missed it.

"There is, I think, a growing body of opinion in Washington -- wherever you are on the issue of withdrawal -- that whatever we do next in Iraq needs to be done very carefully and with a view to the long-term stability of the region," Secretary Gates said. And by "long term" he means November 2008.

OK, budding diplomats, let's see what you've learned. What's wrong with this statement: In another move that could please Arab friends, the United States signed a statement endorsing an Arab initiative for peace between Israel and the Palestinians.

If you correctly noted that the United States doesn't have any Arab friends, you may be State Department material. Umm...after the current administration leaves office, that is.

Rice and Gates appealed to Arab countries to do more to encourage reconciliation among the warring factions in Iraq. The United States has repeatedly sought Arab help with Iraq although its Arab allies have little or no say there.

Lesson two: always ask for the most help from those least able to give it. They usually say yes, which looks good on your resume, but since they're pretty useless to begin with, nothing really happens, you don't have to deal with the real problem but can still claim to have been successful.

The initiative offers Israel normal relations with all Arab countries in return for full withdrawal from the land which Israel captured in 1967.

These would be some of the same Arab countries that...um...well, that don't admit Israel even exists. That going to be a problem, Dr. Rice?

In her meetings, Rice discussed U.S. plans for a conference this year to revive Arab-Israeli peace hopes. The joint statement said the ministers "welcomed the commitment expressed by U.S. President George W. Bush" in his July 16 speech proposing the conference, but shed no further light on arrangements or who would attend.

Hmm...a conference that no one will come to, to talk about peace with a country most don't believe exists. In diplomatic circles this is known as the wind wind.

If You Can't Be With The One You Love, Love The One You're With

In her continuing effort to stay out of the country and avoid a subpoena, this week finds our intrepid Secretary of State Connie "Hot Chocolate" Rice heading for Egypt.

Rice said she could address any question from Iran during meetings in Egypt and sought to tone down expectations about talks to stabilize Iraq. "Now, that doesn't mean we won't answer questions about Iraq," said an aide to Secretary Rice, "It just means we'll be making those answers up."

Speaking en route to Egypt's Sharm el-Sheikh resort Rice ruled out "full-scale negotiations" with Iranian Foreign Minister Manouchehr Mottaki but said she would not avoid an exchange. "If I, like sit down at my seat and, like there's a note there, I'll totally answer it and put it in Mottaki's locker at lunch," she told reporters.

"If we encounter each other then I am certainly planning to be polite and see what that encounter brings," said Rice. "And if he like, asks Ahmadinejad to ask my friend Brittney if I would go to the dance with him, and like, she tells me, that would be totally awesome."

Rice said talks with Iran, which could be the most substantive high-level U.S. meeting with Tehran in nearly three decades, would focus on Iraq but she would not cut off a conversation if it turned to what's on Mottaki's Face Book page.

"I think I can handle any question that is asked of me," she said. "Except, well, you know, if he wants to know if I'll go steady, or something like that."

U.S. Undersecretary of State Nicholas Burns said the talks in Egypt "will be important because Secretary Rice will be seated around the table with the Syrian foreign minister and we hope and think with the Iranian foreign minister, although the Iranians have been a little bit ambivalent which is so totally bogus because everyone knows Connie thinks the Syrians are like these total nerds."

The meetings in Egypt take place amid unrelenting sectarian violence in Iraq and mounting concern by Iraq's neighbors, particularly Saudi Arabia, that Shi'ite Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki is not committed to reconciliation and that the violence will spill over. "Maliki is such a total doofis," Rice said. "I mean, have you seen the way he dresses? Is the man colorblind, or is his momma? Know what I'm saying?"

She urged Iraq's neighbors, attending the meetings along with G8 nations and the European Union, to put more pressure on key players in Iraq. "There's only so many people that can sit at my table in the cafeteria. That's all I'm saying."

Rice On The Lam From Subpoena; Last Seen In The Racks At Bergdorfs

OK, so where are the world's hot spots? Iraq, Afghanistan, the Sudan, Nigeria, Palestine, you know, places like that. Places where diplomacy is badly needed. So where's our Secretary of State? Oslo, Norway about as far from where you'd expect her to be as she can get. Why? This is why.

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice said she has already dodged the questions she has been subpoenaed to answer before a congressional committee and suggested she is not inclined to comply with the order. "I would imagine she's 'not inclined' to go to jail either," said Representative Waxman, Chair of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee. "But ask her how she looks in prison orange."

Rice said she would respond by mail to questions from the Committee. "Hey, look. I'm willing to write stuff down. Was Gonzales? That's all I'm saying. Cut me a little slack here," Rice told reporters outside Frogner and Bygdýy where she had gone to buy knick knacks.

Rice said she respected the oversight function of the legislative branch, but maintained she had already testified in person and under oath. "They already know this is one of the most corrupt, incompetent, bunch of bald faced liars to hit Washington since Garfield. What more can I tell them?"

You'll Be Relieved To Know We've Just Signed A Non-agression Pact With DKNY

We're coming to you today from the My Boss is a Jerk department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. MBIAJ is a wholly owned subdivision of the What Do You Want From Me? Corporation.

It seems there is a little bit of a dust up going on over who got us into war with Iran by being a total dipwad. Not at war with Iran you say? Ha! What do you know? You're too busy looking through Anna's Death Fridge!

Controversy over a possible missed U.S. opportunity for rapprochement with Iran grew on Wednesday as former aide accused Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice of misleading Congress on the issue. "I have to believe, if the letter had come in a shoe box, she'd have paid more attention to it," said Flynt Leverett, former aide to Secretary Rice.

The proposal was transmitted in May 2003 by the Swiss ambassador in Tehran, Tim Guldimann, who represented U.S. interests there. "I was told to place the proposal in a Ralph Lauren shopping bag," Guildman said. "I never did understand that."

"That is just completely unfair to the Secretary," said an aide. "I can vouch for the fact that she knows the difference between a shopping bag and a diplomatic pouch. Of course if they're both in the same room you know it's some assistant who's going to have to deal with the pouch, but hey she's single, getting a little older, and she just needs to feel hot from time to time."

Speaking at a conference on Capitol Hill, Leverett said he was confident the Iranian proposal was seen by Rice and then-Secretary of State Colin Powell but "the administration rejected the overture. And by 'administration,' I mean Rice, who told us at the time she was speaking for her husband."

Rice's spokesman denied she misled Congress and reiterated that she did not see the proposal. "I can categorically confirm that all the time her and Secretary Powell discussed the Iranian proposal, she never, not even once looked at it."

Undersecretary of State Nicholas Burns stressed there was still time for diplomacy before Iran reached a critical point in its nuclear capability and said conflict with Iran was not inevitable. "But for crying out loud Ahmadinejad, call us, will you? Connie can't even find her car keys most of the time, let alone a letter."

Testifying before a U.S. Congress committee, Rice said about Leverett's previous public comments on the Iranian proposal: "I don't know what Flynt Leverett's talking about. And by the way Senator, that's very attractive tie. Yves Saint Laurent?"