Today In Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Frequent readers of this blog know the siren call of ambition flounders and eventually succumbs on the jagged, heartless  rocks of  dissipated hope...erm...we mean know we spent part of our formative years in the benevolent, if somewhat boozy care of the church catholic, or more particularly, as inmates of the local educorporate training facility run by the christian brothers and the sisters of perpetual detention.

Kyrie eleison Mofo's! Well, the point is, after reaching the age of reason, which was when we got old enough to convince our sainted mother we were going to walk to mass by ourselves, we abandoned the cult of Mary and became what holy mother church officialdom refers to as "nonpracticing." Now, those of you out there not in Peter's posse may ask, how much practice do you really need to mispronounce Latin phrases when you have no idea what they mean, but let us draw your attention to the audience participation factor  in a mass. If you've ever seen one, you know it looks like synchronized swimming except without the water. You think all that coordinated standing, sitting, kneeling and chanting just happens?

But back to our story. We've discoursed several times before on the specific elements that led to our personal fall from grace, but today the intertoobz splurted out a story that makes us glad we were summarily dismissed from training to be a server at mass, even though at the time we were falsely accused of participating in that little incident with the left over wine in the sacristy.

In malpractice case, Catholic hospital argues fetuses aren’t people.

Yes, that's right. For those of you keeping score at home, the church that willingly let a woman die rather than abort the baby that was killing her, still believes that unborn life must be protected at all costs...unless there are, you know, costs.

But when it came to mounting a defense in the Stodghill case, Catholic Health’s lawyers effectively turned the Church directives on their head. Catholic organizations have for decades fought to change federal and state laws that fail to protect “unborn persons,” and Catholic Health’s lawyers in this case had the chance to set precedent bolstering anti-abortion legal arguments. Instead, they are arguing state law protects doctors from liability concerning unborn fetuses on grounds that those fetuses are not persons with legal rights.

Now, before you go calling the church a bunch of misogynists, perverts and hypocritical losers, in their defense all those child sexual abuse lawsuits are costing a pretty penny, and paying out for dead fetuses is just not in the budget right now, OK? We mean come on, there are only so many scandals a church can handle at one time, you know? It's not like the bishop can ask for a special collection to be taken up every Sunday. People might start to get suspicious.

At press time, Catholic Health did not return messages seeking comment.

Somewhere in Rome a German guy is going "Somebody get the RNC on the phone. We got to dial this fetus thing back before it costs us some serious coin."