Prison Regulations Had To Be Updated To Authorize Teddy Bears In The Cellblock

We're coming to you today from the Law and Order Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The LAOD is a division of the So What? Jesse James was Six Years Old Once Too Company, a wholly owned subsidy of That's Illegal Unless You're In The Tea Party, Inc.

Once again the full power of the constabulary had to be brought down on the raging chaos that passes for kindergarten in America today.

Police in Georgia handcuffed a kindergartner after the girl threw a tantrum and the police chief defended the action. "When officers arrived at the school, and ordered the suspect to 'straighten up a fly right' they were called 'poopyheads,'" police chief Dray Swicord told reporters. "Showing great restraint, they opted not to TASER the girl," he added. When asked why police and school officials hadn't simply notified the mother to come and take Johnson home, Swicord responded that "parents are seldom armed."

Lt. Wilford Bramble, who commanded the SWAT team called to support police agreed, noting that residents of several nearby  homes had to be evacuated because the suspect threatened to call her accomplice "Bob." The house to house search for Bob was later called off when the girl's mother informed police that she was referring to Spongebob, her favorite cartoon character.

Salecia Johnson, 6, was accused of tearing items off the walls, throwing furniture and being brown in a public school in an outburst Friday at Creekside Elementary School. Police said the girl knocked over a shelf that injured the principal. When asked the extent of the Principal's injuries, Chief Swicord said that he had suffered a bruise to his self esteem when Johnson refused to clean up the mess and referred to him as a "big meanie."

Swicord says the department's policy is to handcuff certain people in certain situations. "Our policy states that any non-Caucasian detainee transported to our station in a patrol vehicle is to be handcuffed in the back and the only kind of discrimination we don't practice around here is age discrimination so there is no age discrimination on that rule. There is also no common sense, and little practical value, but that's because of Georgia state regulations."

The girl's aunt, Candace Ruff, went with the child's mother to pick her up from the police station. She  said Salecia was by herself in a holding cell where police had told her she would have to take a time out for the the next three to five years on a charge of acting like a six year old. Johnson also complained about strip search and the handcuffs. "She said they were really tight. She said they really hurt her wrists," Ruff told reporters.

 "Well, cripes what did you expect?" Lt. Bramble asked. "Have you seen how skinny a six year old's wrists are? We're lucky we got them on at all. Swicord was going to handcuff her ankles but nobody wanted to carry her."

Officials at Creekside Elementary did not immediately return calls. A source told reporters the principal had locked himself in the bathroom as a result of Johnson's name calling and staff were still trying to get him to come out.