Pavlov's New Dogs

We're coming to you today from the Department of False Equivalencies here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DoFE is a subsidiary of the It's All About The Benjamins Corporation in partnership with Simple Solutions to Complex Problems, NA.

It seems one of our elected representatives here the the Water Winter Wonderland has hit upon a solution to all that ails our schools.

School districts could hire school teachers through a private company, expanding a privatization program already allowed for lunch workers and bus drivers, under legislation being prepared by the head of the Senate Education Committee.

See, because we all know teaching children is just like whipping up a batch of mac and cheese after you pass the test for your chauffeur's license.

As part of a significant education reform package sponsored by Senator Phil Pavlov (R-St. Clair), schools could privatize their instructional services, giving district a way to avoid the perceived high-dollar packages pushed by the teacher unions.

 OK, few questions there senator Pavlov. First, shouldn't any proposed "reform" to education as broad in scope as this one at least make some small mention of its impact on the students? We're just spit-balling here, but you know, lip service and stuff? At least act like you're thinking about the kids.

Second, where are the teacher unions pushing these "high dollar" packages? Why are these packages "perceived" packages? Who's perceiving them? You? Or are you just salivating at the chance to whack a union or two? Get it? Pavlov. Salivating. More subtle humor from the comedy masters at Ironicus Maximus.

"I look at it as offering options," Pavlov said. "If there is something out there that can offer school officials the same options at a lower cost, schools need to take a look at that. It needs to part of the conversation on reform."

Right. Because any time you look at finding ways to make education better and more efficient, cheap comes to mind almost immediately.

The privatization piece would require teachers from a private firm to have all of the same qualifications as current instructors. The difference would be that school districts could take bids for instructional services once an existing contract expires.

Superintendents! Tired of all those pesky teachers asking for things like a living wage, proper working conditions and benefits? Come to the new Wal-Mart Teacher Super Store and take advantage of our grand opening special: Buy three math teachers, get the fourth one free! (English as a first language not guaranteed).

Tired of English teachers arguing for books that parents don't want to their children to read because Rush Limbaugh told them they'll be communists if they do? Check out our selection of language arts teachers who have neither language, nor art, but know how to follow directions because they're at will employees!

"What Sen. Pavlov seems to be talking about is handing the education of our children over to the lowest bidder and letting for-profit companies take over our classrooms," said Doug Pratt, spokesman for the Michigan Education Association.

Well sure it sounds bad when you say it like that, but you're probably one of those people who went to college for four or five years to get a Bachelor's Degree, did internships and student teaching, then as soon as you got a job had to go back to school for your Masters so you could keep your certification, so what do you know?

Senator Pavlov is a Port Huron native, Pavlov graduated from St. Clair High School and later attended St. Clair Community College, where he studied business administration before joining the family transportation business. For fourteen years, Pavlov owned and operated Dexter Equipment Company, specializing in medium to heavy duty truck sales and heavy equipment repair.

It's like the guy has education in his blood or something.