Thursday, September 29, 2011

In Which Ironicus Sees Comeuppance On The Menu

Ah, schadenfreude you have bested us again. Damn you! Damn you sir!

A while back we read about Michele Bachmann's crusade to preserve the incandescent light bulb, which wasn't actually in danger of becoming extinct and we laughed, and we laughed and we laughed.
At campaign stops across the country, she has repeatedly denounced a 2007 law that required manufacturers to develop energy-efficient light bulb varieties. Bachmann sees the law as an affront to American values. "I think Thomas Edison did a pretty patriotic thing for this country by inventing the light bulb," she told a New Hampshire audience in March. "And I think darn well, you New Hampshirites, if you want to buy Thomas Edison's wonderful invention, you should be able to!"
But Michele, queries us, you step forward to defend  Thomas Edison's wonderful invention, but what about William Powell Lear who invented the 8 track tape? Or Marjorie Colton who invented waxed paper? Christopher Lantham Sholes who invented the typewriter? Do these brave souls not deserve your best efforts as well? Did we not lose something precious when some, possibly socialist usurper of American ideals injected plastic wrap into our culture? Oh, innocence lost!

And we chuckled our most devilish chuckle and announced to all who would listen that those legendary Minnesota winters must have turned the voters' gray matter into cerebral permafrost as they had apparently elected an extremely dim bulb to represent them. Then, clucking with satisfaction at our own rakish wit, repaired to the lounge for a celebratory adult beverage.

Oh fate, you are a cruel mistress. You waited until just the right moment to send this to make a mockery of our mirth:
Republican state lawmakers say they want to light the way to incandescent light bulb manufacturing in Michigan. Rep. Tom McMillin, R-Rochester Hills, has introduced legislation that would allow the light bulbs to be made in the state despite a federal law scheduled to take effect in 2012 that bans the incandescent bulb to make way for more energy efficient lights. No manufacturers make the bulbs in Michigan today.
Michigan! Oh Michigan we weep for you. Well, actually we weep more for ourselves because the chickens of stupidity have apparently flown their Minnesota coup and come to rest here in the Water Winter Wonderland.
Rep. Kenneth B. Horn, R-Frankenmuth and a bill co-sponsor, said it’s all about choice. He’s dubbed the legislation “the freedom to manufacture bill.” A company could make and sell the bulb only in Michigan, avoiding the ban under federal interstate commerce laws that would prevent the sale of the bulb across the state line in 2012, he said. “There’s no way to manufacture a light bulb like this without a bill like this,” he said.
Ah, Representative Horn. Representative McMillin. You are not making your parents proud. Would that you could go back to your street corners, or your back porches where you were merely a passing irritant to squirrels and stray cats. But no! You stand in the well of the Legislature of the 26th state to join this great union. The home state of  Thomas Dewey, of Henry Ford, of Justice Potter Stewart, of William Boeing, of Madonna fer chrissakes and this is the best you can do? This is your crowning achievement, your capstone, your piece de resistance?

You wound us sirs. The echoes in your craniums are like the doleful bells of  Poe's University Church, pregnant with melancholy menace.

More importantly though, you're giving the state a bad name, you bunch of chuckle heads. Now listen, we'll do this very slowly and use small words. There. Is. No. Ban.  Hear that? No ban. None. Bannus nonexisticus.

We think you'll find that learning to read will be very beneficial to your legislative career. In the mean time we hear Minnesota is looking for state legislators.

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