Wednesday, March 03, 2010

The Hard Part Is Learning To Recite The Standing Orders In Hebrew

We're coming to you today from the Department of Stuff Previously Unbeknownst to Us. The DoSPUtU is a division of the Say Whaa? Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Well Shut My Mouth and Call Me A Biscuit, Inc.

Thanks to PZ it has come to our attention that God has an Army.

We did not know that.

And we figure it has to be God's army too because, well, you know, Jesus was sort of a Nancy boy when it came to getting his smite on and all. In fact, we're wondering if God might be a little disappointed in the kid. We mean, after all, dude was on earth for what, thirty some years and didn't lay waste to even one city or wipe out a single ethnic group--plus their animals. Now, don't get us wrong, we're sure Jesse did his best, but when you're used to wiping out the first born of everyone in an entire kingdom, sending plagues and stopping the sun to give your guys more light for killing, tipping over a few tables in the temple isn't even burning bush league.

Well, anyway god has an army and his headquarters is in Amarillo because, well as the web site says, "Amarillo has an activity for everyone, from the outdoor enthusiast to the arts connoisseur and the western history buff," and even the creator of the universe needs a little downtime.

There is a bit of a problem though, in that Amarillo seems to be a den of iniquity (complete with them heathen churches too) so the first order of business appears to be some sort of pacification program The goals of which are:

Repent Amarillo is a repentance-based ministry dedicated to reaching out to the mission field of 67,000+ people in the Amarillo area who profess no faith in Jesus Christ. It is a ministry committed to the fulfillment of Christ’s commandment of the great commission.
The great commission? You mean like the Baker-Hamilton commission? That means no surge, right? So how are you proposing to accomplish clear and hold? You think Osama's boys are slippery, wait until you see what Satan's posse can do.

1. Intercessory prayer group. This group will be a group of warriors called to intercessory prayer. They will at times be visible to the public and at other times (depending upon the individual mission) they will be inconspicuous. They will provide prayer covering to the soldier group and will do battle within the spiritual realm to prepare the ground for the planting of God’s seeds.
Whoa. Covert activity, just like 24. Cool, but that planting God's seeds thing? Just a little heads up. Might want to check with the catholics on that one.

2. The Soldier group.The soldier group will consist of warriors dedicated to witnessing to groups of unbelievers or one-on-one witnessing. This group will be more visible to the public and will be comprised of bold believers willing to confront the world. This group will be schooled in the “Way of the Master” method.
 Outstanding, but we thought Mr. Miyagi was dead.  Oh wait. God's army. Got that whole Lazarus thing happening. Our bad.

Sounds like you got it going on brother, but where's your slogan? You know, Army of The One, or Semper Deus? Something to attract the kids.

We are the Special Forces of spiritual warfare, we're looking for a few good warriors.
Yeah, well, might want to try it in Latin or something. What else you got?

"I am a soldier in the army of my God. The Lord Jesus Christ is my Commanding Officer. The Holy Bible is my code of conduct. Faith, Prayer, and the Word are my weapons of warfare."

Bible as your code of conduct huh? OK, make sure the recruits know about Judges 21: 10-24 and Numbers 31: 7-18 and you might have something.

What? Too strong? Hey. It is god's army were talking about here, but let's ask another military expert what he thinks:

Hence today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator: 'by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord.'
-Adolf Hitler (Mein Kampf)  
Oops. Heh heh.  OK bad example. Umm...General Patton to the white courtesy phone please. General Patton to the white courtesy phone.

3 comments:

Pearl said...

Oh, good gourd.

I kinda tempted to go to Amarillo, just to witness the witnessing...

Pearl

Seeing Eye Chick said...

You know Amarillo has one of those Giant Light Polluting Crosses that can be seen from Raton NM on I-40.

My hope is that someday Aliens will accidentally land on it, thinking that is it's primary purpose. An illuminated landing strip.

Gotta love all this militant tripe about God's Army.

No one has been able to adequately explain to me, how Intercessory Prayer by these so-called prayer warrior types is any different {ethically speaking} than a coven of Witches bending their will on a human target.


Just saying.

Because technically, Prayer is a Petition to a Deity. Witchcraft is of human agents, Directly [re]ordering Reality.

So I of course smell a lot of hipocrasy along with the horse hockey whenever I hear this sort of thing thrown around.

AND BTW, check out the top post at my blog. Sarah Palin and Jim DeMint are up to their hocks in this sort of thing, among several other big name baggers.

I know that this revelation {pun intended} shocks the shit right out of you IM.

scripto said...

"The Holy Bible is my code of conduct. Faith, Prayer, and the Word are my weapons of warfare."

I can handle those. It's the suicide bombings, assasinations at women's clinics and snakes in the mail boxes that I'm worried about.