Tuesday, December 08, 2009

On The Second Day Of Christmas The Jury Gave To Me, Two Not Guilty Verdicts

Whoa. Hey it's deep into War on Christmas season and as far as we know, no one has been trampled to death at the mall.

What's up with that? Have you deserted us in our time of need shopping Jesus? Maybe we ought to check in with some defenders of Christmas and see if they have thrown the devil from the walls of godly consumerism and thus preserved the foundation upon which The Gap was founded.

And what better place to start our search for Knights of the Foundation than in Washington D.C., front lines of the battle to put the Christ back in Black Friday Specials All Week Long with Doorbusters. First up, Chip "Prince of Peace" Pickering.

Former Congressman (and C Streeter) Chip Pickering is reportedly under police investigation for his involvement in a brawl with a rival youth league soccer coach.

Well, in his defense soccer is European, possibly French.

The kicker? Hester claims he was wearing a neck brace at the time of the incident.

Ha ha. Get it? "The kicker." See this is a story about soccer, where homos kick the ball aimlessly back and forth for six hours, then drive home in their Smart cars and drink tea. Can you blame a red blooded American manly man for being upset with this? Does this "sport" even have cheerleaders? Jesus didn't play soccer. Just saying.

Well, anyway, to be on the safe side, maybe we should draw our next example from a more local setting. And what could be safer than the depths of the bible belt, where if they aren't defending Christmas from the godless heathens, they're beating up their girl friends.

OK that didn't come out right.

The Scott County court clerk confirms a felony complaint has been filed against former Missouri House Speaker Rod Jetton for an incident that allegedly took place Nov. 15 in Sikeston, Mo. The complaint alleges Jetton “recklessly caused serious physical injury to ——- by hitting her on the head, and choking her resulting in unconsciousness and the loss of the function of part of her body.”

"[T]he loss of the function of part of her body." We really don't want to know what that means, but we have to believe this person brought it on herself, probably by insulting the baby Jesus or something, right?

The affidavit claims the assault occurred during the night and into the morning of Nov. 16. It says Jetton and the victim agreed on a "safe word" "to use as a stop word during intercourse."

Now before you go all getting on your high horse or anything, we have it on good authority that Mary Magdalene liked it rough too.

It's also a little known fact that Jesus encouraged the use of safe words and probably wouldn't have been crucified at all if he had remembered his safe word, "can-opener." There was some controversy about this when, in a post resurrection press conference, Jesus insisted that he had used the word, but since cans hadn't been invented yet, no one understood and they went ahead with the execution anyway.

Several biblical scholars attribute this mis-communication to the fact that most of the apostles died horrible deaths.

But back to our story. It seems defenders of the faith are out defending the faith by acting like two Wal-mart shoppers arguing over the last Charmin Ultra Soft 12 Mega Roll Pack leaving the rest of us to find our own way through this confusing season...but wait, here's senator Ben Nelson, long standing icon of the righteous and the upright. Tell us senator, guide us truly through the chaos.

The coathanger amendment is back, as Ben Nelson promised it would be. It's very close to the Stupak language, and the critical language that expands the amendment drastically is identical.

Oh...umm...wait! We get it. It's a metaphor. The season is about protecting the legacy of the baby Jesus from the godless homo atheist Muslims just as senator Nelson is protecting women's bodies from...ah...women.

We're going to have to get back to you on this.


Anonymous said...

When "green balloons" is the magical phrase to stop the "damn from bursting" what did you expect?
The guy and those like him in these "Christian far right wing ways" are all clowns and choking is just part of their "fun".
Now, I am not going to go into a "Gacey" however he spelled his name, but it does seem to me that clowns for sex do some pretty strange numbers, including screaming "God Bless America!"

Anonymous said...

You know, we women have truly had it with all the nonsense about "fighting" for abortions.
Let's face it, Mother Mary was a virgin and never had to decide, supposedly.
So, that said, who is to say if she had been raped or destitute, what might she have really done herself?
Since she was indeed the Mother of God, I'd prefer to hear it from Her!
Do you think she is more important than you priests and bishops? How about the Pope?
And, if you still can't figure that one out, ask us women.

Anonymous said...

When a townhouse is 1.8 million with tax dollars and these bums are using it for sexual encounters pretending to be "Christian enhanced" through morning spiritual breakfasts, and "power punchers" to even add to all the sleaze, what does it say how we leave women in the alleys without these tax dollars, because we believe whores are more important that wives and girlfriends and teenagers, making one wrong call.

Anonymous said...

"Good thing Christmas only comes once a year"?
How about the "Immaculate Conception"?
Can you imagine? Does the Pope really think the people all believe some of these stories?
Well, how about the loads of pedophiles in the Churches from here to Australia and not even mentioning the ones that beat little boys and damage them forever?
The Catholic Church has big problems and it had better start with itself.
How dare the Pope demand that all these poor countries that are barely existing with dying children and mothers and fathers with HIV not only starving to death because of over-population but because these bastards in the Church refuse to even "permit" them or even "educate" them to use condoms!
If the Catholic Church even dreams "Mothers of the World" respect and follow them in this kind of devilish "occupation", they are going out of business far sooner than they can even scheme.

Anonymous said...

Two "not guilty verdicts" to me means something altogether different than what politicians pay in order to "get off".
I am talking about the influence that two very prominent ladies of Hollywood have done, and internationally, in order to bring attention to the ailing, the sick, and the dying.
Yes. We all knew Princess Diana and her courage with AIDS and also land mines. But I am talking about two other women devoted to raising awareness of the very vulnerable poor. Audrey Hepburn, in the nineties, was exceptional in her class and standing and consciousness in showing great kindnesss and mercy to the war-torn countries of Africa by being the UNICEF Ambassador.
The destruction, and disease and starvation was something she constantly spoke of and people truly listened because of her great stardom and achievements and the way she served people with great dignity. She was exceptional and we all remember her well for her sacrificing and effectiveness in helping these less fortunate, ravaged peoples.
Now, we have Angelina Jolie, who, with her beauty and popularity shines light upon the injustices of wealthier nations ignoring or refusing to assist these same countries, bleeding and raped by criminals and their wars and corruption.
How is it that women, as a whole, are the ones who feel more and seem to do more than the Vatican? Can anyone tell me?
How much money do you think the Vatican has wrapped up in art, in chalices, in jewelry, in silk shoes and hats and prime real estate?
Wasn't "God" or "Jesus Christ" or whoever and whatever you want to call it, "poor"? Wasn't that "God", supposed to be "humble"? Wasn't that "God" supposed to "care"?

Anonymous said...

Religions are mostly the cause of all wars.
Religions have always been about Power. Greed. Enrichment.
Occasionally, they have helped Minorities.
Rarely did they rescue Slaves.
To have "Faith" should be about what one believes in , in order to help the common good for the betterment of Mankind.
To profess this "Faith" should not be about crossing one's fingers let alone crossing one's legs.
"Faith", to me, should show positive "Action".
For, if one does not "Act", particularly for the betterment of Mankind, "Faith" is just one more con; one more dirty lie told to better a particular Clergy.
Extreme Right Wing Religions are about as dirty as one can become. And it does not matter if it is Baptist, Muslim, Catholic, Jewish, etc
These "Faiths" in the extreme, propel Global Wars.
So when we talk "Christmas" , let's all make sure what exactly is behind everyone's message. There is no room for exclusion anymore. Exclusion makes for a Terrorist World.
Hopefully, the ideal message would be:
"Spread the Wealth".

Anonymous said...

We are all sick of the Pope not including gays and women in the respecting of Catholic peoples!
Where do "leaders" like him come from?
We know he has a German background. We know he sells his own books to promote what he thinks the Catholic Church should be, but that does not make it legit and it does not make it right.
Furthermore, it shows he does not truly "care".

Anonymous said...

Mothers everywhere resent that their own children that the Pope pushes women to have, and everywhere, must be "selected" in order to be "Catholic". How sick is that?