On The Bright Side, The Kids Glow In The Dark For A Week

It has long been the policy here in the marbled halls of IM Central to do everything we could not to come to the attention of the police. Even in the absence of direct empirical evidence, we have reasoned through observation that certain interactions with people who carry loaded firearms could have, well, unfortunate consequences. For us.

And this is a policy that has stood us in good stead over the years as we are happy to announce that we have never been shot, or even shot at by one of the fine men and women of law enforcement. Which is why we welcome our new 50,000 volt overlords. Now, whereas an officer might think twice about emptying his or her Glock in your general direction for coasting through a stop sign, it turns out he or she feels no similar reluctance to turning you into a human light bulb.

What's your problem Ironicus, you ask, and we are tempted to tell you, but then it occurs to us you are asking about the use of TASERS and not our upbringing, so let us say that we have no problem with non-lethal force, being as it were, fans of not killing people. Further, we think the police have stumbled upon a new tool in the battle against uppity teenagers: Shoot first and ask questions later.

This New Mexico teen was arguing with her mother, so her mother brought her to a police station to get help. The girl ran off and the police chief chased her and ordered her to stop. When she didn't, he tasered her in the head.

Gives a whole new meaning to get your mind right, huh? See, since parents tend to get upset when someone puts unauthorized holes in their children, this new form of behavior modification should overcome some of their objections.

The more recent of the two incidents occurred November 5, when a 12-year-old girl who was skipping school was found drinking and smoking in a swimming pool.

Well, in the officer's defense, the girl did say she was there to "get juiced."

About two weeks earlier, a first-grader was shot with a Taser at school when he threatened to cut his leg with a piece of broken glass, authorities said.

"The kid said he wanted to hurt himself." explained a police spokesperson. "We just did for him, that's all. This way there's no scar. Well, no physical one anyway."

Ah, don't the police have a soft spot for kids? And it turns out the kid doesn't even have to be born yet.

The pregnant mother of the baptized child was also Tasered in the back after officers averred she was assaulting a police officer, and is now being held separate from her family by Customs and Immigration Enforcement.

Obviously the police recognized that the suspect was only pretending to be a pregnant woman, and was most likely Mullah Mohammed Omar, hence the involvement of Immigration. Or maybe she was Mexican. Same difference.

Of course bad behavior in kids can be traced to bad parenting as we all know, so sometimes the police have to go right to the source.

A police officer in the Syracuse, New York, area Tasered a 37-year-old mom repeatedly in front of her children during a routine traffic stop—and then arrested the mom, leaving the children alone in their family minivan for 40 minutes in freezing weather.

OK, now before you go all squishy bleeding heart on us here, just realize you are watching cutting edge law enforcement policy in action. See, by permantly curling mom's hair, the police taught her an important lesson about innocent until proven guilty, and then leaving the kids alone in the car wondering if they were orphans or not, gave them time to reflect on the true meaning of protect and serve. Classic win win.

In a related story, it turns out the Reverend Gary Aldridge wasn't involved in an...er...auto-erotic activity when he died, he was just getting ready to drive down to the store for cigarettes.