Yeah, But How Will We Get The Script To The Terrorists?

Today is Cinco de Mayo and maybe that explains it. Some folks appear to have gotten a little too far into the Tequila a little too quickly. How else would you explain this?

Cal Thomas, who isn't afraid to admit he wrote the article, sees reality in the show 24. At least his version of it. In the show, the hero Jack Bauer tortures a terrorist and gets information that saves the planet, or at least the U.S. which, as we all know, is the most important part of the planet.

Between shots of Blue Agave, Señor Thomas explains the connection to us. "All of this is relevant to real life and the scarier drama that is being played out by the United States Army, which last week announced it is preparing to issue a new interrogations manual that specifically bars the use of 'harsh' techniques of the type used at Abu Ghraib prison."

See, Don Tomas is convinced that if we can torture prisoners like Jack Bauer, they will collapse in a whimpering mass and give us all the information we want. Well, after the commercial break of course.

Compañero. Put down that glass of Sauza and listen up. That whimpering terrorist who cracked because Jack hit him over the head with a breakaway chair? He's what's know as an "Actor." And he was doing what's known as "Acting." See, he was saying lines that had been written for him by what's known as a "Writer," who by the way, probably voted for Kerry and may even be gay.

"We are dealing with people who have repeatedly demonstrated they have no moral constraints and are willing to perpetrate mass murder while practicing their religiously twisted ideology in pursuit of their objectives."

Umm...No...We are dealing with a member of the Screen Actors Guild who, after the show is over hops in his minivan and drives home to his condo in Belle Aire looking forward to finding out how his daughter did at volley ball that day. Muy confuso, my balding friend, muy confuso.

"Bauer grabs the suspect outside CTU and tortures him until he discloses the location of Marwan. Bauer leads a team and is about to arrest Marwan and save the country from a nuclear attack Marwan escapes, and the gripping drama continues."

Well of course it does. You see, El Bebido, 24 is what you call a "Show." It's put on for "Entertainment" and because it's put on an American television network by Americans, we get to be the good guys. So if the good guys were to win in the first episode, well, then you would have anything to do for the next 12 weeks except write about how Hollywood is ruining this country would you now?

Abu Ghraib, on the other hand, is what we call "Reality" and even though we tortured a lot of people there and even killed some (and by that we mean really killed as in "dead" not written out of the script and now doing toothpaste commercials) because we did those things, the terrorists didn't collapse in a whimpering mass and give up all their secrets after politely waiting for the season ending cliff hanger.

No, they got madder and kept right on shooting real bullets are our soldiers who also died, (and by that we mean became dead and stayed that way even after the credits rolled).

"I can see the terrorists getting hold of this manual and telling their killers they have nothing to fear if they are captured by the 'weak' Americans. What's next, instructing our troops to say 'please' and 'thank you'?"

Well, no, Señor Inaprovechable. Turn off your TV a minute will you? First of all, We have it on good authority that the Pentagon does not have any plans to distribute the manual to terrorist groups. Second, in a "Show" we get to control all the people because they are "Actors" and they play the role created for them by the "Writers." So when the "Plot" calls for a terrorist to get caught and give up secrets that help the good guys, well, a "Writer" writes a "Scene" that does just that. Then Jack and the terrorist go to lunch in the commissary and talk about who's going to win the pennant this year.

"Put a Jack Bauer type in charge." No. You see, that's what we've been trying to tell you. There is no Jack Bauer. He's what they call a "Character" who was created by a "Writer" on instructions from a "Producer" so they could make a "Show" and sell it to the television networks to make money so they could buy bigger houses and send their kids to private schools.

Carumba. Le olvidar. Somebody call Murphy Brown. Maybe she can talk some sense into him. Pass that Tequila bottle over here will you?