Wednesday, May 11, 2005

And The Lord Said Unto Me, "Smite 'Dem Lefties"

As we've written before, Catechism class was never the highlight of our day, but we do remember something about loving your neighbor which we were very interested in as a potential pick up line at the Saturday CYO dance--until we found out it was meant in the platonic sense.

Apparently the Right Reverend Chan Chandler also missed that lecture. Now, you might think that someone named Chan Chandler would have issues with his parents, and not his congregation, but when his flock reported to Church that fateful day and saw the title of his sermon was "Hey Hey Ho Ho Democrats Have Got To Go," they knew something was up.

It turned out not to be the best career move he's ever made, because two days later he was not feeling the love. "I am resigning with gratitude in my heart for all of you, particularly those of you who love me and my family--Not!"

Chandler's attorney, John Pavey Jr., said the pastor has not apologized for anything he said. "My client does regret the turmoil surrounding his removal of the nine godless heathens from his church and feels if they had never even been let in the parking lot this entire matter could have been avoided."

Supporters of the Pastor agreed. "I don't believe he preached politics," church member Rhonda Trantham said. "I don't believe anyone should tell a preacher not to preach what's in the Bible. After all, Reverend Chandler told us it's in the Old Testament where God smites Jebediah for voting no on the ban gay marriage amendment."

At what turned out to be his last service, the 33-year-old Chandler said the flap over the church members' dismissal was "a great misunderstanding" and he tried to welcome them back. "I told them they could come back if they sat in the rear of the church, but that wasn't good enough for the homo lovers," he told the press afterwards.

Blount Osborne, chairman of the church's elected deacons, said there was no warning Chandler would resign and the church had no severance agreement with him. "Well, unless you count the part where we told him to get the hell out."

Waylan Owens, one of Chandler's professors at the Wake Forest Theological Seminary and Chinese Take Out where Chandler is working on his Masters Degree in Public Relations, said the whole affair had gotten out of hand. "Does it tell us something that in spite of the Bible's clear admonition not to take one another to court in 1 Corinthians 6, the nine's first response was to go find a lawyer?" Owens said at a news conference that he later had to cut short because he had an appointment with Chandler's attorney John Pavey Jr. "I'd like to stay and talk more," Owens said, "But we think we've got a pretty good defamation of character suit here and we need to get ready for court. Those baby killing liberals have really stepped in it this time. This is going to be huge. Terri Schiavo huge."

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