Thursday, February 10, 2011

Say Ten Hail Marys And Four Our Fathers KTHXBAI

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that the only sensible response in the face of a cold, chaotic indifferent universe is mean know that we were raised in Peter's posse yet, in the intervening years drifted from our brothers and sisters in Christ due to the fact that it slowly dawned on us during our adolescent years (which may still be going on by the way) that we weren't living in the 13th century.

Not that we didn't enjoy the whole dominus vobiscum, save the pagan babies by selling over-priced statues of the virgin Mary, try to get Dolores Bratvakowski to give us a smooch in the coat room after CYO experience, because we really did. Well, except for the part where Dolores ratted us out to the Monsignor and he gave us the speech about how you couldn't mess with the wimmenz until you married one, then you could make her do whatever you wanted and god was OK with that.

Intriguing as that possibility was, it was shortly after that we ran into Mary Margaret Chilanewski, who apparently hadn't gotten the memo about the proper stand off position she was supposed to take vis-a-vis people like us and, well one thing led to another and pretty soon the only thing we used our extensive Latin vocabulary for was exclaiming O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!

We tell you this by way of introducing what may be the harbinger of the church's entrance in the present age, namely confession by iPhone.
It seems as though the Catholic Church really really wants us to go to confession, so much so that apparently it has sanctioned a new iPhone app aimed at bringing some of the wandering sheep back into the fold. You can now wipe your slate clean with Confession: A Roman Catholic App, available through iTunes for $1.99.
Now, is that pope guy a hep cat or what? No more dragging your hung over carcass to the church Saturday afternoon to get your sins forgiven by the equally hung over Padre, only to go out that night and collect and butt load more.  Now the enterprising miscreant can almost wipe 'em as he does 'em. It's like 24/7 absolution man, as long as you've got service. We'd recommend purchasing the Verizon model iPhone because you'll need at least three bars consistently to reach heaven. Besides, ATT? That's for Lutherans.

We have to admit this almost has us considering retuning to the fold. We mean, what's in the pipeline? Angry Cardinals? Smite the evil pigs and send them over the cliff, just like Jesus did. Judasbug? See if you can hop Iscariot all the way to heaven before god notices. This could be the thing that brings the church back from that whole pervy thing, right Father?

A spokesman for the Vatican, Federico (Freddy Spoons) Lombardi said:  ‘I must stress to avoid all ambiguity, under no circumstance is it possible to "confess by iPhone because even the most cursory glance at the bible will convince you that Jesus was totally an Android guy.’

Dang! Well, wonder if we still have Mary Margret's number around here anyplace...

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