Monday, February 14, 2011

Texas! Motto: The Solution To Your Problem Is More Guns. Regardless Of What Your Problem Is

We're coming to you today from the Department of Up Is Down here in the marbled halls of IM Central. UID is a subsidiary of the It Would Be Reverse Psychology, If We Were Smart Enough To Use Psychology Company, in partnership with...well...where else? Texas.
Security is newly tightened at the Texas Capitol, but plenty of gun-toting visitors can breeze right through. Concealed handgun license holders walk through a special lane marked "CHL Access" around, and not through, the metal detectors put in place last year after a man fired shots outside the statehouse.
OK, so by "tighten security" they mean let people with guns into the statehouse faster than they got in before?
Schoolchildren and tourists, meanwhile, have to walk through metal detectors and put their bags and keys through scanners.
Yes, well...let's see if we have this straight. The people least likely to have guns are put through comprehensive security, while the people who actually have guns are invited right in. Is that pretty much the strategy we're talking about here?
Richard Robertson, a concealed handgun license holder who visited the Capitol on Saturday, is glad guns are allowed in the statehouse. "It's not the Wild West mentality where I'm hoping to get into a fight, but if some lunatic tries something, I'd feel better having the means to put an end to it," said Robertson, general manager of a construction company in Austin.
Ah, well that explains it then. If you're going to let people with guns into the statehouse, chances are pretty soon one of those people is going to be a lunatic and you got to be ready to drawn down on those Mo Fo's. We can see that. Say, did anyone ever consider just not letting anyone have guns in the statehouse? We mean, it's not like you're going to need to shoot a bear in the restroom or anything. Just a thought.
"Around here, it's not that big of a deal (to have a gun at the Capitol). Someone from out of state may think we're a bunch of yahoos."
Yahoos? Sir, you flatter yourself. Brainless dolts with penis issues maybe, but Yahoos? Never.
"It's not like they just whoosh on through," said Tela Mange, a spokeswoman for the Texas Department of Public Safety.
Oh, we never would have expected a "whoosh" Ms. Mange. More like a "Zip" or a "Zoom." By the way, what kind of name is Tela Mange? Is that your real name, or just the one you use so no one knows you work for the Texas Department of Public Safety? Hey, here's a riddle: What's a bigger oxymoron than "Military Intelligence?" Give up? Texas Department of Public Safety.

We crack us up.
Lobbyists, and even some journalists, have signed up in droves for the $140 licenses, even if they have no intention of carrying a weapon into the statehouse.
Makes perfect sense. Why wait in long lines for a security check if you're no threat. Position yourself so you might be a threat then you can whoosh right through.

Excuse us. we meant zip or zoom. No one whooshes. That wouldn't be safe.
Last year, Republican Gov. Rick Perry, who opposed the metal detectors at the Capitol entrances, had his .380 pistol with him while jogging in the Austin area and has said when he came across a coyote, he shot it dead.
Why didn't you say so in the first place. Now it all makes sense. The Texas Statehouse was in danger of being infiltrated by Coyotes and governor Perry, manly man that he is, was just putting the safety and well being of the legislators first. We'd do the same thing if we were in his shoes. Wait. we take that back, if we were in his shoes he'd probably shoot us.

1 comment:

Pearl said...

Texas: We're Bigger Than You.