Republicans Perform The Cheney Maneuver*

We have a few words today to speak to those who have brought forward the idea that perhaps President Hopey has been a tad harsh towards our corporate guests, BP for destroying the Gulf and the lives of all who made their livings in and around that formally awesome body of water (the ninth largest in the world--sometimes called the American Mediterranean). We'll try and be brief as we imagine you have a full day of boot licking and butt kissing planned. Hey, perhaps Tony Hayward will let you scrape the barnacles off his yacht. With your face. One can only dream. Anyway, for the rest of us, one simple request:

STFU.

Joe Barton?

As chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, Barton was crafting legislation designed to cut down the regulatory hoops governing the siting of new oil refineries. Hurricane Katrina was the given reason, Big Oil was the chosen beneficiary.
Tucked away in the bill draft was a rollback of nearly 30 years worth of tanker size limits and tug escort requirements. The impetus was BP's frustration at inability to build a put a new long dock at its Cherry Point refinery, in near proximity to a herring spawning ground.

It's pretty obvious you got yourself on the House Energy and Commerce Committee because there was no requirement of expertise in any of the issues that come before the committee. That and your lifelong irrational hatred of Pelicans.

Michelle Bachmann?

BP "shouldn't have to be fleeced," in the words of Rep. Michelle Bachmann, R-Minnesota, who described as "a redistribution of wealth fund" the $20 billion escrow account set up to pay cleanup costs and claims.

 Redistribution of wealth? More like petty cash. And what about the people who live around the Gulf? Their wealth wasn't redistributed, it was annihilated.

Sarah Palin?

"We can't afford to demonize" BP, Sarah Palin declared on television last week as she upbraided President Obama for taking so long to meet with BP's chief executive Tony Hayward.

 What you lack in credibility is exceeded only by your insufficiency of intelligence.

Newt Gingrich?

President Obama "is directly engaged in extorting money" from BP, ex-House Speaker (and possible presidential candidate) Newt Gingrich charged, appearing on Fox News' "Hannity."

 You give lizards a bad name.

Which brings us to the media, who seem to be suffering from a variation of the problem faced by the sycophants in the fable The Emperor's New Clothes. Dear media persons. While it may be appropriate to report what these cretins say because they are after all (and in some cases thanks wholly to you) national figures, from now on please preface all your articles concerning their hypocritical, self serving pronouncements with the following: "This story quotes individuals who have neither expertise, nor experience, nor moral standing to comment on the subject as they are examples of the most craven, power hungry, scruple free individuals poor upbringing and lack of proper supervision can produce. They should not be listened to by anyone with a shred of intelligence, a modicum of decency and a grain of empathy and we apologize for even mentioning them in polite company."

Thank you for your time, and have an oil free day.

*Cheney Maneuver