He Coulda Been A Contender

Wait. That guy is still president? Oh. Come. On.

In a fact free final news conference, President George W. Bush spun his record vigorously and at times lied outright — and admitted mistakes, too, including his optimistic Iraq speech before a giant "Mission Accomplished" banner in 2003. "Clearly, putting `Mission Accomplished' on an aircraft carrier was a mistake," Bush said. "But that's what my administration was all about. Accomplishing missions I mean, not making mistakes. Really. No seriously. I'm not kidding."

After starting what he called "the ultimate exit interview" with a lengthy and personalized thank-you to the reporters in the room who have given him a free ride over the eight years of his presidency, Bush showed anger at times when presented with some of the main criticisms of his time in office. "Oh, now you begin asking the hard questions" the president said. "What do you want from me, barbecue?"

He particularly became indignant when asked about America's bruised image overseas. "I disagree with this assessment that, you know, that people view America in a dim light," he said. "Course I also disagree with evolution, global warming and progressive sex education so what do I know."

He said that "not finding weapons of mass destruction was a significant disappointment." The accusation that Saddam had and was pursuing weapons of mass destruction was Bush's main initial fabrication for going to war. "Yeah, and you guys bought it and printed it over and over and over," Bush said. "Who's the idiot now?"

On another issue destined to figure prominently in his legacy, Bush said he disagrees with those who say the federal response to Hurricane Katrina was slow. "Don't tell me the federal response was slow when there were 30,000 people pulled off roofs right after the storm passed. See, they were outside and easy to see. Now, is it our fault that those 20,000 people holed up in the Convention Center that we didn't know about until Brownie saw it on TV were inside where the choppers couldn't see them? I don't think so."

He called President-elect Barack Obama "a smart, engaging person" and said he wishes his successor all the best. "There'll be a moment when the responsibility of the president lands squarely on his shoulders," Bush said. "Looking back, I kind of wonder what that would have been like if it had happened to me."

He gave his view of the most urgent priority facing the incoming president: an attack on the United States. He chose that risk over the dire economic problems now facing the nation. "I'm a Jack Bauer kind of guy," the president said. "I don't get those economicals."

The last time the president had taken questions from reporters in a public setting was Dec. 14 in Baghdad, a session that hurtled to the top of the news when Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi threw his shoes at Bush during a question-and-answer session with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. Before this news conference Secret Service Agents made reporters take off their shoes and socks. Women had to leave their purses outside and men had to empty their pockets.