Monday, December 03, 2007

Sure, Other Countries Have Laws, But Our Laws Are Bigger

OK, we're not lawyers, although after a few Stolis we like to try and say things like a fortiori, contra proferentem, and our personal favorite, de bonis asportatis. That has got to be dirty. But we digress. the point is, we're pretty sure there's something wrong with this latest legal pronouncement from the Bush Administration.

America has told Britain that it can kidnap British citizens if they are anti war hippies, ethnic minorities, democrats, wanted for crimes in the United States. "Well, kidnapping is such a strong word," said one administration official. "We prefer to call it 'unexpected extradition.'"

A senior lawyer for the American government has told the Court of Appeal in London that kidnapping foreign citizens is permissible under American law because the US Supreme Court has sanctioned it. When asked what jurisdiction an American court would have have citizens from another country the senior lawyer replied that they had gotten the idea from Guantanamo. "We figured since that worked so well on terrorists, we'd try it out on other people we don't like," the aide explained. "Um...I mean criminals."

Until now it was commonly assumed that US law permitted kidnapping only in the “extraordinary rendition” of terrorist suspects. "Sure, but like the president says, if you aren't with us, you're against us. Makes picking bad guys much easier."

Legal experts confirmed this weekend that America viewed extradition as just one way of getting foreign suspects out of circulation. Rendition, or kidnapping, dates back to 19th-century bounty hunting and Washington believes it is still legitimate. "The president got the idea after watching a Dog The Bounty Hunter marathon," said White House Press Secretart Dana Perino.

“The United States does have a view about procuring people to its own shores which is not shared by those of us living in the real world ,” Alun Jones QC, representing the US government said.

“If you kidnap a person outside the United States and you bring him there, their court has no jurisdiction to refuse — it goes back to bounty hunting days in the 1860s,” Jones said. On the bright side though, we have gotten the Americans to agree not to call out suspects for a gun fight in the streets."

"Plus since we're America we get to do what we want," Press Secretart Perino added. "See we're sort of like Rambo, Chuck Norris and James Bond all rolled into one. OK, James Bond was actually English, but you get my point. Oh, and don't forget Jack Bauer. We're him too."

Legal sources said that under Bush's conception of American justice, rendition meant capturing people with inconvenient views abroad and bringing them to the United States so they can be imprisoned indefinitely without being charged. The term “extraordinary rendition” was coined in the 1990s for the kidnapping of brown people terror suspects from one foreign country to another for torture. "And it sounds so much better than 'put a hit out," said one administration official.

The US Justice Department declined to comment due to being too busy trying to suppress the ethnic vote.

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