Rather Have Him Driven Than Let Him Into The Driver's Seat

OK, we have to admit that when we first read this headline we thought, how responsible, the president has started using a designated driver. Then we read the article and realized the headline didn't have anything to do with the story which confused us even more until we realized it was a story about Bush foreign policy--it shouldn't make sense.

From deteriorating security in Afghanistan and Somalia to mayhem in the Middle East, confrontation with Iran and eroding relations with Russia, the White House suddenly sees crisis in every direction. "Sure it's true that our foreign policy sucks rocks," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "But we feel we should at least get points for consistency."

"I am hard-pressed to think of any other moment in modern times where there have been so many challenges facing this country simultaneously while the country was being run by such a colossal crew of inept clowns." said Richard N. Haass, a former senior Bush administration official.

"Mr. Bush will hand over a White House to a successor that will face a far messier world, with far fewer resources left to cope with it, but then, I guess that's what he's always done. It's just that this time daddy and his rich friends can't make things right."

White House officials emphatically reject such pessimism. "We're very upbeat around here," said Snowjob. "Drunk a lot too, but very upbeat."

"This is a government distracted by the fact that it is asked to walk and chew gum at the same time. Plus the president has been consumed by the the high number of shiny things in the oval office," said Moiss Na­m, editor of Foreign Policy magazine.

National security adviser Stephen J. Hadley said in an interview yesterday that such criticism is misplaced, adding that victory in Iraq is crucial to success in fighting terrorists and in creating a new democracy that could serve as a beacon to other Middle Eastern countries. "Of course if you're expecting a strategy for victory from a bunch of idiots like us you probably believe in the tooth fairy," he added.

Hadley agreed that there are "a lot of issues in motion right now" on the international front. "In some sense, it was destined to be, because we have a president that spent most of his adult life as a drug addict and alcoholic, so we really shouldn't expect that he would have a real firm grasp on reality. Hey, you elected him. Twice. OK, once, but that was the second time. What were you expecting, Einstein?"

Madeleine K. Albright said that the United States now faces the "perfect storm" in foreign policy. "Bush, Rumsfeld and Rice. It can't get much worse than that."

Even neoconservative hawks who have been generally supportive of the administration on Iraq and other issues said they are worried about the direction of American foreign policy. "We were willing to accept the fact that Bush is mostly clueless, but who knew the rest of his administration had the combined IQ of tree moss?" said William Kristol, editor of the Weekly Standard and a leading conservative commentator.

"North Korea is firing missiles. Iran is going nuclear. Somalia is controlled by radical Islamists. Iraq isn't getting better, and Afghanistan is getting worse,"Kristol said . "I give the president a lot of credit for learning to tie his own shoes, but I am worried that particular skill isn't really useful on the international front."

Senior administration officials said the United States is in a much stronger diplomatic position than it has been in the past in dealing with adversaries such as North Korea and Iran. Then they burst out laughing and had to be escorted from the room.

Both Democrats and Republicans insisted that the United States can deal with multiple crises, but some questioned how effectively. Well, actually all questioned how effectively. "When the Commander in Chief makes Bozo the Clown look like Winston Churchill, you know you've got problems," said on unidentified Democrat.

"It's like a juggler. You have to keep all the balls going. Any one of them that is out of trajectory threatens all the others," said Zbigniew Brzezinski. "It's been six years and so far Bush hasn't learned how to juggle one ball without hurting himself."