Will You Listen To Me? You're Losing And I'm Not Going To Tell You Again

Apparently the insurgents didn't catch the president's speech yesterday explaining why they were going to lose. Nor did they listen to his strategy for victory. And they obviously weren't paying attention when he announced the mission was accomplished.

Hundreds of gunmen attacked a US base in Ramadi, west of Baghdad, taking control of the town centre for some 45 minutes.

"At 9:30 am, a rocket-propelled grenade was fired at a joint US-Iraqi observation post," said US marines spokesman Captain Jeffrey Pool. "As of 2 pm there were no signs of any significant insurgent activity anywhere in the city," he added.

US officers played down the scale of the assault. When asked what happened between 9:30 am and 2:00 pm, he replied, "Oh some stuff, you know. They drove around, shot up some buildings. Took over part of the city. No biggie."

US spokesman accused the insurgents of playing up the attack. "This is clearly a sign of how desperate insurgents have become," he said. "They attack us in broad daylight in the middle of a city instead of...umm...wait."

Residents reached by telephone said U.S. forces warned townspeople by loudspeakers to stay in their homes for the next three days. When asked why residents have been confined to their homes if the attacks are so minor, the spokesperson replied that it had nothing to do with the attacks. "We've got a big Christmas surprise for them and we don't want anyone getting an early look," explained a Marine Captain who did not want to be named.

The offensive came as president Bush said he hopes to shift more of the military burden onto the Iraqis as part of a strategy to draw down American forces. About 500 Iraqi troops joined 2,000 U.S. Marines, soldiers and sailors in a move to clear insurgents from an area on the eastern side of the Euphrates River.

When asked why four American military people were needed for every one Iraqi if balance was being shifted, Press Secretary Scott McClellan replied that the Iraqis were "sort of fat" and counted for more than one American. "It's really more like two to one," McClellan said. "If you count total poundage."