In College My Nickname Was "Faulty Intelligence"

Shorter President Bush: Look, I screwed up getting us in the war, but it's good we're still fighting it, because if we weren't we'd have to deal with that blasted Clinton budget surplus...I mean Saddam.

Rebuffing Democratic calls for a shake-up over Iraq war strategy and speculation about rifts within the White House, Bush said he had no intention of removing Rumsfeld as defense secretary. "Brownie's doing a heck of a job," the president said. "I mean Rummy."

Rumsfeld and vice president Cheney have been frequently accused by critics of pushing the war on false pretenses. "There's a big difference between being liars and idiots," the president explained. "I'll let the American people decide which they are."

Bush said he remained "very close" to Rove, who could face charges in the criminal investigation into the leak of CIA operative Valerie Plame's identity. "We're still as close as we've ever been, in a manly way of course," Bush said of Rove. "We've been through a lot. You know, when we look back at the presidency, no question that Karl had a lot to do with me getting here. Well, that and his friendship with Satan."

Bush also said he hoped indicted Texas Republican Representative Tom DeLay would regain his post as House of Representatives majority leader. "Sure he's a crook, but he's got a good heart," Bush said. "And the guy can raise money like nobody's business."

Bush said he hoped the powerful Texas Republican would return to being majority leader "'cause I like him, and I'm a great judge of character, you know? Plus, when he's over there, we get our votes through the House. By any means necessary, if you get my drift."

Bush said of Rumsfeld, "He's conducted two failed wars and at the same time has helped transform our military from a military that was constructed for, you know, victory, to one that couldn't fight its way out of a paper bag if one end was open."

Bush acknowledged there was "massive speculation" about his relationship with Cheney -- "whether I like him or don't like him. Let me tell you, you don't not like Cheney. Not if you value your health, that's all I'm saying."