Somewhere Jesus Is Weeping

You have to wonder about the Christians. When they're not under attack by the forces of darkness and commercialism...oh wait...commercialism is OK. When they're not under attack by the forces Bill O'Reilly says they're under attack by, they turn on each other.

When Alabama State Representative Ken Guin saw “The Bible and Its Influence,” he thought he’d found a textbook that should be used in Alabama high schools. "I knew right away it was a lot more important than one of them algebra books."

Some Alabama high schools already offer Bible classes based on a curriculum by the National Council on Bible Curriculum in Public Schools in Greensboro, N.C. Its executive director, Elizabeth Ridenour, promised to fight Guin’s legislation to require "The Bible and Its Influence" in Alabama schools. "Our Bible's way better than his Bible," Ridenour said.

"Nuh uh," Guin replied. "Mine left in all the dirty parts."

"Oh yeah?" Bet you don't have the lesbos."

"Oh, we got the lesbos, bet you don't have the poop eating!"

"Poop eating? There's no poop eating in the Bible."

"Nuh huh. Ezekiel 4: 12-13. Check it out."

A similar battle rages in Odessa, Texas, where Robert Hand, who heads a committee picking a new Bible curriculum, said he was pressured by advocates of both Bible groups.

He wanted a book that would meet constitutional requirements of separation of church and state and be acceptable to biblical scholars and educators.

"That's us, that's us," stated Ridenour.

"No freaking way," replied Guin. "I know you don't have the story of the ejaculation of death."

Ridenour dismissed the contributors and reviewers of the Guin's text as “liberal university scholars” and contends it uses “the Marxist process called the dialectic” to undercut the Bible. "So what if we don't have the poop eating," she said, "We got Isaiah's fart harp."

“Our teachers are very concerned that they are able to teach this course without proselytizing,” Hand said. “The burden falls on the teachers to craft a course that is interesting to the students.”

When made aware of the Bible controversy, an Odessa High School Junior said, "Boobs in the Bible? Sign me up!"