We're Gonna Party Like It's 9/11

Whoa. Does law enforcement get testy after a high speed chase. No sense of humor. What. So. Ever.

Well, anyway, we're back from what turned out to be a small misunderstanding that's been cleared up, or at least the bail bondsmen have quit calling so we think it's cleared up, although we're not sure how a misunderstanding that involves the pointing of firearms can be characterized as "small." But that's behind us now and we can begin planning for the big 9/11 party.

The Defense Department has announced the first "America Supports You Freedom Walk and Mexican Cookoff" to celebrate 9/11 and America's military personnel, even though those people are either dead, or in Iraq and won't be attending. "What better time to party than on the anniversary of the worst attack on American soil since the Civil War," Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld said.

To avoid protesting 9/11 families, America Supports You Freedom Walk and Mexican Cookoff participants are encouraged to arrive at the Pentagon South parking lot between 1 and 2 a.m. and dress in dark colors. The first 1,000 people to arrive will receive an official America Supports You campaign lapel pin shaped like a Jalapeno pepper. "Plus free balloons for the kids!" Secretary Rumsfeld said.

The walk route will consist of a two-mile slink through Arlington National Cemetery, over the Potomac River, and will end by the reflecting pool on the National Mall, where the cookoff and a free concert featuring country music star Clint Black will take place. "I wanted to take out the part through the cemetery," Rumsfeld said. "It is a bit of a downer being around all those dead people you know, but that's where the souvenir vendors wanted to setup."

"I am proud to be the only one who agreed to be part of the America Supports You Freedom Walk and Mexican Cookoff," Black said. "You know, the administration has really screwed the pooch on this whole Iraq thing. We really could use a great party to get our minds off it. And the 9/11 families? Hey. That was four years ago. Get over it."

The walk is made crassly commercial with the help of several supporters, including Stars and Stripes newspaper, Pentagon Federal Credit Union, Subway, Washington Post, Lockheed Martin, WTOP, ABC/WJLA-TV Channel 7 and News Channel 8, and the Washington Convention & Tourism Corporation. "Next year we're hoping to attract a large corporate sponsor," Rumsfeld said. "How does the Halliburton America Supports You Freedom Walk sound?"

"America Supports You" is a distraction launched by the Defense Department with the goals of highlighting how Americans across the country are ignoring the men and women of the armed forces and keeping people from wondering why president Bush won't meet with Cindy Sheehan. "You can only sell so many car magnets," Rumsfeld said. "We knew we needed to come up with a new angle, and nobody was using September 11th for anything except memorials. It was a natural."