Monday, August 15, 2011

Michigan! Motto: Hey Look At Us. We're Stupid Too

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know despair is all that is left of the democratic mean know that on occasion we here in the marbled hall have been know to point out the comic foibles of legislators in the various state houses around the smoking ruin that was once America. Take anti-gay state senator for Indiana Phillip Hinkle who "offered $80 to an 18-year-old man he met on Craigslist, "for a couple hours of your time," plus a tip "for a really good time."

Yep, that's right. Anti-gay, crusading, family values, upright republican is gayer than Liberace's closet.

Or how about Ohio legislator Robert Mecklenborg who by day stands in the well of the Ohio Legislature and as a "Catholic boy from the west side of Cincinnati" -- champions the most radical anti-abortion legislation in the country. And by night drives around drunk, pumped with Viagra with a stripper in the car.

And of course you know he is violating church doctrine because the stripper is over 18.

Well, we could go on, but it occurred to us that as we point out the wacky misadventures of lawmakers in neighboring states you could get the impression that we here in the Water Winter Wonderland are immune from whatever it is these other bozos are drinking.

Not quite.
Muslim leaders are saying a piece of legislation proposed by Rep. Dave Agema (R-Grandville) is actually an attack on Islam. In June, Agema proposed legislation that would ban the implementation of foreign laws. While the language of the proposal does not say it directly, it would ban Sharia or Islamic law. Agema told the Detroit News that the law is intended to preserve American laws. “No foreign law shall supersede federal laws or constitution or state laws or constitution,” Agema said. “Our law is our law. I don’t like foreign entities telling us what to do.”
 OK, first of all, how does a guy whose name sounds like you are clearing your throat get elected in the first place? Hey people of Grandville, what were you thinking? Well, in their defense we have to say Grandville is over by Grand Rapids which is Amway/Quixtar/Alticor country. Yeah, that Amway. Got some crazy mofos up in there.

Anyway, it seems the good Mr. Agema of Grandville is a little short in the history department. You see, Davey, may we call you Davey? Every time we say Mr. Agema we hock a lugie onto the computer screen. You see guy, American law is based on English common law and the last time we checked England was still a foreign country.

Now, astute reader(s) of this blog have probably long since abandoned us to pursue more meaningful goals, like toe nail mean have probably long since realized Davey is no intellectual heavy weight, but we did a little checking and found out he is some sort of pastor in some sort of church. Not really sure which one, perhaps the church of Christ the Protector (motto: It's not really bigotry if you can find it in the bible), so we're thinking he's probably a big fan of the ten commandments--may even believe they're the basis of American law, the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, which--little known historical fact--were both written by Jesus and Glen Beck.

Ah, there's the rub Davey. See, the ten commandments come from a foreign country. And even worse, that foreign country is in the Middle East. You know, the place where all those scary brown people live?

So your Bill to outlaw foreign laws would pretty much outlaw most laws. Truly a dilemma, no? We'd have to pretty much start over and since most basic laws are already used by countries all over the world it's going to be harder than Representative Mecklenborg's wanger to come up with something truly "American."

Fear not Davey boy because Ironicus Maximus is here to help. A few years ago we had a greyhound who lived his entire life by one simple law. Now, this greyhound was born in America, never traveled to any foreign country and never learned to read--you're feeling an affinity for him already aren't you--so we figure this law had to come solely from his American experience. In other words, this law has to be as American as Mom, Apple pie and idiots in the legislature. We offer this to you completely without expectation of anything in return as a basis for developing a truly 100% authentic American Legal System. This is our American duty to you, our American legislator, legislating for the benefit of all Americans in our American legislature. This simple law stood him in good stead his entire life, and that simple law is, simply, this:
If it moves chase it, if it doesn't pee on it.
Now, we realize it's going to need a little tweaking here and there, but we have to believe when you start with a good American idea and have good Americans apply their god given American talents to it, you can't help but have a good American outcome.

You don't have to thank us, we're just thankful ourselves to be Americans and share this great American country with great American patriots such as yourself.

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