After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency. This decision does not come easily or without regret; especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country.Yeah, well to be fair, when you run at the lead of a pack of unmedicated refugees from the laughing gas factory, an oil slick in a suit and a couple of dropouts from the Dullsville Mortician's School being first isn't that great of an achievement, yo?
I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run," he said, "I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election.And you probably also maintain that your hair looks presentable because you keep wearing it that way, so don't mind us if we're not too impressed with your powers of prediction. Especially now that you've beat feet off into the sunset. Saying you would have won if you stayed in is sort of like saying if Napoleon had B 52s at the battle of Waterloo we'd all be speaking French right now.
And in other news, Newt's been in the race a little over 48 hours and he's already changed his position on a position he changed his position on earlier.
Ah, America. You coulda been a contender.