Romney in 2012! Motto: I'm The One Candidate Who Has All The Other Candidates' Positions

Oh look, the guy who probably really couldn't get elected dog catcher is running for president.

Republican heavyweight Mitt Romney said on Monday he is kicking off his campaign for the White House in earnest with a day-long fundraising event in Las Vegas likely to bring in several million dollars. "We're activating our campaign today," Romney told supporters on a conference call.

Activated! Whoo Hoo! That means Policybot 4000 has gone live! Now if you feed a position, or an opinion or a policy into the Policybot 4000 it will find a way to agree with you in even less time than before, and the turnaround time to agree with the exact opposite of that position, or opinion or policy has been reduced to mere nanoseconds, right Mitty boy?

The former Massachusetts governor touted his record as a turnaround specialist who can get the U.S. economy on track."My experience, my history is in turning things around. I will get America on the right track again."

Oh you're a turnaround specialist all right Mittster. You've turned around on more positions than there are Hoverounds at a Glen Beck rally, and we're sure you'd get America on the right track--if the track was circular that is.

"The American people care about getting good jobs," Romney said during the eight-minute call. "That is my wheelhouse."

OK we have no idea what that means, but since this is Romney we're talking about we're pretty sure there's a dog strapped to the outside of the wheelhouse.

Critics say Romney presided over one of the weakest rates of employment growth in the United States when he ran Massachusetts, and that Bain Capital often turned around the companies it acquired with large layoffs.

Layoffs? Wait, that's brilliant. Take all the people who are out of work, old, sick, poor and lay them off from America! Bada Boom Bada Bing problem solved.

Some of the biggest criticism Romney faces is for the health care reform he instigated in Massachusetts, which bears similarities to President Barack Obama's 2010 health care program opposed by many Republicans.

No, see that's not how it works. Once we get rid of all the old, poor and sick people and the folks who lost their insurance with their jobs the only ones left will be people who don't need health care. Now the whole thing is a non-issue. Can't accuse Mitt of flip flopping when there's nothing to flip flop about. See how Romney handled that? Got rid of his reputation as a spineless troll and got rid of most of the people republicans don't like anyway all at once. Oh sure there will still be a few ethnics around who managed to hold on to their jobs, but hey, somebody has to be there to take up the slack when mother has another one of her "headaches" if you know what we mean.