BREAKING: Newt Running For President. In Other News, Condom Futures Up

Hey, Newt Gingrich is running for President (or in his case, president). That's sort of like Larry Flynt running for pope, but what do we know? Let's see what the professionals have to say:

"If he can just get that Charlie Sheen self-discipline thing under control, Newt's the type of candidate who has the potential to really fire up the room and fire up the base," said former GOP strategist Dan Schnur, who now runs a political think tank at the University of Southern California.

OK, now President Obama's enemies compare him to Hitler and Stalin and the devil and whatnot, and you sort of expect that from guys who are more concerned about what a couple of Muslims are doing in Tennessee that with, oh, we don't know, war, poverty, 47 million uninsured, unemployment, people losing their houses, stuff like that. But all one of your own guys, who presumably is on your side, can come up with Charlie Sheen? And that's the best he can do? Well, all we can say is it looks like an uphill road there Newty.

In recent weeks, Gingrich has toned down the bombast and kept a relatively low profile. He's set to give an interview Wednesday night on Fox News Channel, explaining his rationale for a candidacy.

Um...Newt? Toned down bombast is still bombast. Just saying. And we already know why you want to run for president: Chicks dig it.

He has been an all-but-declared candidate for months now. And polls show Republicans unenthused — if not dissatisfied — with their presidential options.

OK here's our prediction. The republican convention is deadlocked until the 63rd vote when Newt drops out and releases his votes to the eventual nominee, Charlie Sheen.

His candidacy will hardly be a retro affair; he disclosed his presidential run using Facebook and Twitter.

Also Craigslist, Chemistry.com, Match.com and HornyMILFS.com.

Gingrich himself knows that if the race becomes about his history, he's unlikely to go very far. His past includes two divorces, marital infidelity and ethics allegations.
As he put it to one interviewer: "If the primary concern of the American people is my past, my candidacy would be irrelevant."

Newt Newt Newt Newt. It's not your past that makes you irrelevant. It's your irrelevancy that makes you irrelevant. We mean come on, we just had the first republican presidential candidate group therapy session and your people thought Herman Cain won because he made it through the debate without blaming aliens for the Japanese earthquake. How you gonna compete with that? You can't even make no pizza.