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George Bush has written his memoirs, or more precisely, someone has written George Bush's memoirs for him.
George W. Bush, thankfully invisible since he left the White House nearly two years ago, farted in public with the release of a memoir defending his "war on terror" and the Iraq invasion. "I bet I'm the only guy to write a book that never read one," the ex-president told a group of senior citizens at a Dallas Denny's, the first stop on his national book tour.
In the hefty, 500-page--most of which have words on them--"Decision Points," Bush wrote of his errors in the Iraq campaign and the failure to find weapons of mass destruction, which international intelligence reports strongly suggested Iraqi President Saddam Hussein had obtained. Well, except for the international intelligence reports that strongly suggested Iraqi President Saddam Hussein had not obtained weapons of mass destruction.
"No one was more shocked or angry than I was when we didn't find the weapons," Bush's ghost writer wrote. "Of course I was just shocked and angry instead of dead or disabled like a lot of people in Iraq, not to mentioned what I did to our soldiers and their families, so I guess you kind of have to look at things in context."
Asked by NBC if he considered apologizing for the mistakes, the former president said he has not.
"Apologizing would basically say the decision was a wrong decision," Bush said. "Now that's only something you would expect if I'd known what I was doing, you know, had some minimum level of competence or something. See, this is where being a completely sociopathic idiot comes in handy."
He insisted "the world is better off without Saddam Hussein in power, as are 25 million people who now have a chance to live in freedom" in Iraq. "Of course all those people we killed and all those families we tore apart and all those people whose lives will never recover as a result of me bombing the snot out of their country aren't better off, but hey, omelet eggs, you know?"
Bush meanwhile defended his decision to allow "waterboarding" of terrorist suspects by claiming it prevented deadly attacks in Britain, according to an interview promoting the book. He said information obtained using the interrogation technique -- which simulates drowning -- helped prevent planned attacks on London's Heathrow airport and Canary Wharf. "I believe that decision saved lives," the former leader told the paper. "Of course I'm a drunk and a drug addict who also believes the invisible sky father told me to run for president, so you should probably take that into consideration."
Bush confesses that he did not respond as effectively as he could have during the Hurricane Katrina crisis, which people with IQ's above salt water view as the low point of his low point presidency. He said the photographs now seared in public memory showing the president looking out the window of Air Force One made him seem detached and uncaring. "I was really sad to see all those darkies standing on their rooftops, but I had to get to John McCain's birthday party. Being president means making the tough decisions, you know?"
During the middle of his book tour, Bush is to attend a November 16 groundbreaking ceremony for the George W. Bush Presidential Center at Southern Methodist University in Dallas.The center will be the official repository for thousands of crossword puzzles Bush completed during cabinet meetings during his presidency.