Did The Invisible Hand Of The Market Slap Jesus?

Frequent readers of this blog know the bright flowers of innocence are soon smothered under the cold, snowy blanket of experience...er...we mean know that on occasion we like to chronicle the foibles of those who count themselves among the chosen. Friends of Yahweh. Rapture Ready. Standing at Salvation Station with a first class ticket in their hands.

We've been told that due to our, shall we say less than respectful attitude towards the aforementioned groups, sooner or later the all seeing all knowing one is going to lay five righteous digits upside our heads and we accept that. We mean, truth is a harsh mistress, you know? Just ask Mark Kirk.

Anyway, since everyone tells us it's only a matter of time before Jesus gets his smite on--and probably takes out the whole state of Michigan in the process--when we read stuff like this, we get a little confused, knowing as we do that it's our picture on the most not wanted wall in heaven's post office.

Crystal Cathedral the megachurch birthplace of the televangelist show "Hour of Power," has filed for bankruptcy in Southern California after struggling to emerge from debt that exceeds $43 million.

Now, we already know Jesus isn't what you'd call a micro-manager or anything, but you'd think he'd at least throw his homies a bone now and then.

Despite the current and ongoing economic climate, the most recent financial reports for the Crystal Cathedral Ministries indicate the best cash flow the Ministry has experienced in 10 years.

 Oh. Well, there you go then. Should have known better than to trust the lame stream media to get the story right. Should have trusted the lord right from the git go.

A small number of creditors chose to file lawsuits and obtained writs of attachment. Ultimately, the Creditors Committee decided not to extend the moratorium. For these reasons, the Ministry now finds it necessary to seek the protection of a Chapter 11.

 So, in retrospect, getting that line of credit from the First Bank of Hades wasn't such a good idea. Well, it's like reverend dad always said, "Never bring the problem solving stage into the decision making stage. Otherwise, you surrender yourself to the problem rather than the solution."

Right. Because that's...uh...that's...what?

Everybody is hurting today. We are no exception," Sheila Coleman Schuller the Cathedral's senior pastor and daughter of the founder, said. "But like my old reverend daddy used to say, 'Our greatest lack is not money for any undertaking, but rather ideas, If the ideas are good, cash will somehow flow to where it is needed.'"

Um, that's nice and all, but right now we're thinking your greatest lack is, you know, the old filthy lucre. What do you think Kristina Oliver?

Oliver, whose Hemet-based company provided live animals for the church's "Glory of Christmas" manger scene, said she doubts she will recover in full the $57,000 she is owed.

Yipes! $57,000 just for some sheep and camels? What, did they bleat in the original Aramaic or something? And you OK'd this reverend daughter? What would daddy say?

"Always look at what you have left. Never look at what you have lost."

Yeah, well, Rosemary Braised Lamb Shanks might be a hit at the dinner party, but it don't pay the rent, know what we mean. Maybe you ought to get over there and just demand a little sumpin sumpin from the petty cash, Ms. Oliver.

"The church never made any kind of advancement that they wanted to pay their debt, that they were willing to try to make it happen and every time we tried they told us, 'You can't tell us how to run our business,'" Oliver said.

Bidness! Bidness! They told you they was a running a bidness? That's no way to refer to our lord and savior. Well, unless you're talking about The Donald, but we don't think you are.

The church saw revenue drop roughly 30 percent in 2009 and simply couldn't slash expenses quickly enough to avoid accruing the debt, said Jim Penner, a church pastor and executive producer of the "Hour of Power."

Revenue?  You mean when all the bubbas was a sending in their $200 to join the Platinum Eagles (receive a 15% discount at the Crystal Cathedral Books; Gifts store and at Cathedralgifts.com.) that was just "revenue" to you? What about "saving millions of lives"? What about the "unique online video fireside chats? Oh, we feel so...used, so...dirty.

Scientific quantitative data collected and analyzed by an independent researcher, revealed that the supporters and the viewers of the Hour of Power are happy with the Ministry and have faith in its leadership.

 Wait. First business, then revenue and now...science? What's next, marketing?

Oops. Never mind

Oh, reverend daddy we are lost. All these years we thought you were an instrument of Jehovah sent to guide our retched lives to toward a higher good and for the greater glory of his one and only son, the big JC. And now it turns out you're a common businessman, a money changer. Our hearts are broken, our souls cry out. What can you say to us reverend daddy, what can you say? How do you explain this?How do you justify it?

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