Thursday, October 28, 2010

We'd Like To Welcome You Back To The Church. Please Fill Out This Credit App

OK this makes us a little nervous. See we're what the church calls "fallen away," or as we like to say, "grown ups." Now frequent reader(s) of this blog know that success is just an accelerant for mean know from time to time we've chronicled the foibles of those who meditate, pray, study the sacred scriptures, think thoughtful thoughts over the plan of the deity then have revealed to them that what he really wants is for them to do what they wanted to do in the first place. What a coincidence, no? So we have to believe if there's a list somewhere of those needing to be "re-purposed" to "the perennial truth of the Gospel" we're on it and it's only a matter of time before the "re-purposing committee" knocks on our door.

Perhaps we overstate the case though, because as the popester himself says, he wants the perennial truth of the Gospel" brought back to regions where secularism is smothering church income. Gotcha your pointy hatedness. See the countries that are least likely to dominus the pontiff's vobiscum are also the countries that are most likely to have, you know, stuff.

This was not a consideration in the Benedictoid's decision we're sure.

Leading an evening prayer service at Rome's Holy Credit Union of St. Paul, Pope Benedict said there are areas of the globe that have been known as Christian for centuries, but where in the past few centuries "the process of education has produced a serious crisis" in people's sense of what it means to be superstitious and to do what we say.

This has been going on for "centuries" and you're just figuring it out now? Popey, you really need  to subscribe to some magazines, or read a paper now and then. Watch some tee vee, you know? Oprah's had several shows about this.

"I have decided to create a new organism, in the form of a Transubstantiator and he will be called Optimus Profitus and he will take the shape of the popemobile, but when he senses the presence of those who once were members of the flock but have since becomes unshorn he will rise up to confront them with their lack of childlike belief in the pompous and self indulgent utterances of pampered white men who believe in ghosts and dress funny," he said.

That sounds way better when they say it in Latin.

The challenge, he said, is to find ways to help people rediscover the value we get from their faith. Or as that famous American writer Mark Twain put it, "I have a religion. It is that there is a God for the rich man but none for the poor." And we got to make sure that god knows we're out here, the pope added.

Pope Benedict made the announcement at the basilica built over what is believed to be the tomb of St. Paul, who gave up a meaningful career as a tent maker, providing shelter for folks, to ride around the countryside yelling at people for having sex. Sort of like Bristol Palin except he was a better dancer.



scripto said...

So it's all about the Benjamins? That is unbelievably cynical.

Anonymous said...

Italian Archbishop Rino Fisichella (better known to the REAL fishes as "Rio Fishy Chalice") is President of the Pontifical Academy of Life?
Oh really?
Tell us about "your starving and diseased ones"!
Got a question for all you GUCCI and FERRAGAMO advocates of red "pimpin" silk slippers.
When few loaves of bread and fish 2,000 years ago supposedly fed hundreds and maybe thousands, tell us oh Fashionistas of Rome "On HIGH" how y'all can justify no condoms especially with little children and all that pedophilia goin' on?
And y'all with your corrupt bankers and money launderin' and all the endless cover-ups that even your own faithful NUNS refuse to lie about further.
Gonna be HUGE "council" for new "re-proposals of perennial truths"".
And maybe all "ye sinners and gluttons and atheists" in the Vatican and elsewhere, can be finally jailed and palaces and art all surrendered.
It is a "New Dawn".
We all cannot wait.