Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Guest Blogging (Sort Of)

Normally, we like to put our own unique spin on the events of the day we report to you, our faithful, if somewhat under achieving readers, but today we ran across something so completely whackazoid, so unbelievably astonishing, so breathtakingly incredible, so stupefyingly confounding, that we had to read it several times to determine that yes, it was in Florida, and yes it involved a high school principal.

And no, it wasn't satire, fantasy, invention, make believe, or drug induced automatic writing. Which means it would never appear on this blog.

Ed Brayton, who blogs over at Science Blogs has the whole story. You must move all sharp objects away from your immediate reach, drain any liquid beverages you are currently imbibing and do not have any food in your mouth before you go and read about Principal Davis and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lesbo T-shirt Imbroglio, but here's a taste of this particular educational leader's pedagogical philosophy:

At the end of the school day on the following Monday, September 10, 2007, Davis called Jane into his office. Davis asked Jane if she had told the teacher's aide that she identified herself as a lesbian. Jane answered, "Yes." Davis then asked, "Are you a lesbian?" Jane again answered, "Yes." Davis counseled Jane that it was not "right" to be homosexual. He then questioned Jane about whether her parents were aware of her sexual orientation. When Jane answered in the negative, Davis asked Jane for her parents' telephone number so that he could call them and inform them of her sexual orientation. Davis also instructed Jane to "stay away" from the middle school students or that he would suspend her.
If you need us, we'll be in the basement trying to drink this episode out of our memory.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Oh, You Think Just Because You're Hurt You Can't Be Hurt?

Oh man. We have a feeling this isn't going to end well.

vice president Cheney's invitation to address wounded combat veterans next month has been yanked because the group felt his security demands were Draconian and unreasonable.

Guys. You sure you've thought this through? You've already been wounded once. Dissing the Cheney is like having a live grenade fall in your foxhole. It's only a matter of time before someone gets their body parts rearranged.

Cheney's staff insisted the sick vets be sequestered for two hours before Cheney's arrival and couldn't leave until he'd finished talking. "What? These guys are all geeked up anyway," said an aide to the vice president. "It's not like they're gonna go out back and shoot some hoops while they're waiting for my boss."

"Word got back to us ... that this would be a prerequisite," said the veterans executive director, David Gorman, who noted the meeting hall doesn't have any rest rooms. "We told them it just wasn't acceptable."

"Don't they all have, like bottles and bags and stuff for that," asked the aide. "I still don't see the problem."

Many of the vets are elderly and left pieces of themselves on foreign battlefields since World War II, and others were crippled by recent service in Iraq and Afghanistan. For health reasons, many can't be stuck in a room for hours.

"Hey, if those guys don't know how to duck, that isn't the vice president's problem said Cheney Spokeswoman Megan Mitchell. "You don't see Whittington complaining he has to pee, do you? And he got shot in the face."

President Bush routinely speaks at events such as large dinners where thousands of guests freely pass back and forth through Secret Service screening portals, but the vice president's rules for speaking to groups seem more stringent than those of his boss.

"What's your point?" Mitchell asked. "Bush is Mr. Popularity compared to what people think of Cheney."

Monday, July 28, 2008

Our Military Can Blow Up Countries, Lay Waste To Whole Civilizations, But It Is Powerless Against Teh Gay

OK, we have to admit we've never been too frightened by Teh Gayz. Sure we heard the stories about Gay Ninjas slipping into your house at night and infecting your children with Teh Totally Awesome, Irresistible Gay Virus, making them care about things like the color wheel and wool versus cotton, but there was always something about those stories that rang a little false: for instance, would any card carrying Gay actually go out in black pajamas?

And when it came to Gays in the military we were pretty certain that if someone was trying to blow you up, you'd be more concerned with the marksmanship capabilities of the fellow next to you than whether he prefers Giorgio Valentini to Belvest Dupioni.

Turns out we were mistaken, and the reason we're losing in Iraq, the housing crisis, global warming and those damn Yankees going on another winning streak are all the fault of those who aspire to be our homoerotic overlords.

Don't ask, don't tell. And, whatever you do, don't ask Elaine Donnelly to tell you what she thinks about gays in the military. "Gays!!! BAWK!!! They're Everywhere!! EEEK!!," Donnelly burst out as she was being sworn in. "EEEK!! Get Them Off Me!! Get Them Off Me!!! AIIIEEEE!!

After a short recess in which Ms. Donnelly's medication was adjusted, she returned.

Donnelly warned of "transgenders in the military." She warned that lesbians would take pictures of people in the shower. She spoke ominously of gays spreading "HIV positivity" through the ranks.

Transgenders? Aren't those the aliens that are always kidnapping trailer park residents? And as for lesbians taking pictures, umm, are those posted anywhere? Just want to evaluate the evidence is all. And as for "HIV positivity," well everyone already knows Gays spread that by getting otherwise heterosexual young men and women to drink Velvet Hammers. (They're Homolicious!)

Her written statement added warnings about "inappropriate passive/aggressive actions common in the homosexual community," the prospects of "forcible sodomy" and "exotic forms of sexual expression," and the case of "a group of black lesbians who decided to gang-assault" a fellow soldier.

Man. Sounds like one of those Women in Prison movies. Not that we're all that familiar with the genre. Er...the "exotic forms of sexual expression though," could you be more specific Ms. Donnely? And please take your time. don't leave anything out. Are there any...umm....pictoral exhibits?

Representative Vic Snyder labeled her statement "just bonkers" and "dumb," and he called her claims about an HIV menace "inappropriate." Said Snyder: "By this analysis . . . we ought to recruit only lesbians for the military, because they have the lowest incidence of HIV in the country."

And the shower pictures. Don't forget about the shower pictures.

Representative Chris Shays pointed a finger at retired Navy Captain Joan Darrah, a lesbian and glared at Donnelly. "Would you please tell me, Miss Donnelly, why I should give one twit about this woman's sexual orientation, when it didn't interfere one bit with her service?" Donnelly said something about "forced intimacy."

"You mean like the kind your husband has with you," Shays said. At that point several members of the panel and quite a few people in the audience all said "Oh no he Di Nit!"

Donnelly, severe in a black jacket with a flag pin on her lapel and her breasts taped down so she "wouldn't turn on the lesbos" attacked the "San Francisco left who want to impose their agenda on the military." She spoke of the "devastating" effect gay soldiers would have on the military and said "people who do have religious convictions" would be driven out of the military by the "sexualized atmosphere."

"Many times I have walked through barracks and see our boys reading their bibles, playing checkers or writing letters home to their sweethearts," she told the committee. "I would hate to see all that lost."

Donnelly explained "absolutely devastating" effect of homosexuals "introducing erotic factors" and made a comparison to Sen. Larry Craig's adventure at the Minneapolis airport. She said admitting gays to the military would be "forced cohabitation" and a policy of "relax and enjoy it."

"Me thinks she doth protest too much," Shays said. "You in the closet here, or what?" Ms. Donnely replied that Hearing Room was very warm and she wondered if Captain Darrah "would like to continue the debate over drinks at Phase 1."

Friday, July 25, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

Man, it's got to be tough to be a business person today. Imagine you're the head of GM, or Ford, or Wachovia. You stay up nights wondering if your company will survive. You wrack your brain looking for ways to attract customers.

And those are legitimate businesses. Now imagine you're an overlord in charge of exploiting innocent animals in a barely disguised attempt to separate the elderly from their social security checks. Further imagine that, due to your third grade education, "wracking your brain" pretty much goes up in smoke after trying to remember where you put your shoes.

You see the overlords' dilemma.

The market is a harsh mistress though, and she makes no accounting for those to say this politely...are lacking in business acumen and or personal hygiene skills. As a result:

The Woodlands Racetrack will close on August 23 because of financial woes, General Manager Jayme LaRocca said. "We just kept thinking that the customers had gotten lost again and would make it back eventually, but this time it looks like they're really gone."

Howard Grace, president of Kansas Racing LLC, which owns The Woodlands, decided to close the track because of legislation passed in the spring of 2007 that required it to part with too much of its revenue. "You got the power company wanting revenue, the water company, employees want revenue. Where's my revenue?" Grace said. "I got trailer payments you know."

Now, normally this would be the end of the story, but as we all know there is another constituency affected by this tragedy, the dogs. And also as we all know, the overlords' first concern is and always has been, their So what have they come up with to make sure their beloved dogs do not suffer?

The Wyandotte County track estimates 900 dogs are affected. The plan is to move the dogs to other tracks or adopt them out, but greyhound rescue teams worry that's not realistic with so many dogs in question. "The dogs are overbred so that they can get the one fast dog," Cher Oliver with Kansas City REGAP said. Oliver is afraid a lot of the dogs will be euthanized.

Hmmm...well, that wouldn't have been our first choice. What do you have to say about that Mr. LaRocca? "If we have to keep them here for awhile, we'll keep them here but we're going to do everything we can to make sure that no one's paying attention when they're taken care of. Wait, that didn't come out right."

Woodlands denied that and so does the State Racing and Gaming Commission. State officers locked down the kennels, saying they will monitor what happens to the dogs. "You'll know exactly how many dogs we'retire,'" said a track official.

Yeah. We hear you. Hate to think what would happen to the dogs if the overlords really didn't care so much for them, huh Absolut?

Absolut is very laid back and easygoing. His family says he is a “perfect gentleman”. He has a curious side. He likes to see when visitors come in the house and then goes back to sleep. He is very affectionate. He will lean into you very hard for attention. He will also place his head in your lap and look up at you for pets. He is a happy boy who wags his tail often. He will take the toys out of the toy basket, one at a time, and then his foster mom puts them back. He likes to run and play in the yard. He likes to greet people while on the walk. Absolut would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He is good with other dogs of any size and would probably be fine as an only dog.For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Special Pre-Friday Hound Blogging

A while back we told you about Genie, the twenty year old greyhound--which according to our Vet is 120 year or so in human years, but who's counting? Sadly, we've just found out that Genie has passed away.

BRADENTON - A Bay Area canine celebrity has passed. Genie, the 20-year-old greyhound, died early this morning at her home in Bradenton. Genie is the dog that got her very own birthday bash a few months ago just as she was turning 20. Her owners, Neena and Tim Derf, say she was happy and lively right up to the end -- she even went to a greyhound party yesterday. The Derfs and others think Genie was likely the oldest greyhound in the world, and they are grateful that her story may have helped a few greyhounds out there get adopted.

Genie (1988 - 2008)

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Just A Quick Bit Of Advice From Ironicus Maximus

You're young, you're rich, you're white, and you're a republican. Our condolences, but all is not lost. We here in the marbled halls of IM Central are here to help you. And no, we're not just saying that so you'll let your guard down and we can give you a wedgie like they used to do back when the stoners caught you after the Latin Club meeting.

OK, so let's get started. What have you been up to lately?

David All glanced around Top of the Hill bar and saw the future of the Republican Party. It looked dim. A who's who of young conservatives had gathered, but they were few, and they were frustrated. Here were the executive director of the Young Republicans, and the 20-something who helped steer Fred Thompson's Internet operation, and the young woman who put Mitt Romney's Web site on the map, and the 24-year-old staffer for Newt Gingrich's American Solutions for Winning the Future.

Ah, we think we see your problem. to put this delicately? You work for idiots. Well, idiots, bigots, hypocrites, whatever, let's not split hairs. The point is, that complicates your message. How are you going to get people to vote against their own interests when your leaders are so transparently in the pocket of lobbyists and corporations that even those lobbyists and corporations are embarrassed?Not to mention indicted, tried and convicted. How you going to play the race card after Obama won in Iowa?

"For me, I don't even know what that means," All says. "The Republicans are sort of talking down to Gen-Nexters, not bringing them in."

Right, because, see man, they don't really like you either. You've got two strikes against you: you're young and you ain't rich. Oh, and some of you are gay.

And John McCain? His campaign has never sent All a text message, he complains.

David. David, David, David. He's John McCain OK? He was shot down and taken prisoner in the Civil War, back when Afghanistan and Pakistan shared a border with Czechoslovakia.

You know what? Come to think of it we really don't have any advice for you. You are seriously screwed friend. Your best bet is to get old as fast as you can.

Monday, July 21, 2008

That Stuff You Thought He Said? He Said It, But You Didn't Hear It Right

See, here's the problem with democracy. You go letting the people have a say in the future of their country and pretty soon they're going to say something you don't want to hear. What's poor president Bush to think now? Here he's been marching democracy all over the Middle East like Moses on methamphetamine for the last seven years, and what does his number one homey Maliki go and say to a bunch of loudmouthed Germans? He likes Obama better. Hey Maliki, ever hear the phrase 'dance with who brung ya?' Yeesh, you fly in and liberate some guy's country and then he goes acting all liberated and whatnot.

Luckily, vice president Cheney had his cell with him when the announcement came out.

The statement by an aide to Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki calling his remarks in Der Spiegel "misinterpreted and mistranslated" followed a call to the prime minister's office from U.S. government officials. "Yeah, when we said we like Obama's plan better what we really meant was we are forever indebted to the liberator Bush," said an aide to Maliki.

Scott M. Stanzel, a White House spokesman with president Bush at his ranch in Stuckinur Craw, Texas, said that embassy officials used fungo bats and motorcycle chains to explain to the Iraqis who is really in charge in their country and how the interview in Der Spiegel should have been cleared through the vice president's office and what was Maliki doing in Germany anyway, since no request for travel had been processed by the American Embassy in Baghdad.

“The Iraqis did not have their minds right wanted to correct it,” he said."Particularly after we pointed out that anybody caught bad mouthing the president's policies spends a night in the box."

A statement, which was distributed to media organizations by the American military early on Sunday, said Mr. Maliki’s words had been “misunderstood and mistranslated,” but it failed to cite specifics. "Oh, that's no problem," said Stanzel. "Where ever you see 'Obama' take it out and put in 'Bush'. The two words sound a lot alike in Arabic."

Mr. Maliki’s top political adviser, Sadiq al-Rikabi, declined to comment on the remarks, but spoke in general about the Iraqi position. “Foreign soldiers in the middle of the most populated areas are not without their side effects,” he said. “Shouldn’t we look to an end for this unhealthy situation?”

"I got your 'side effects' right here," said Stanzel.

Asked for a reaction to Maliki's statement, representatives of the Obama campaign just laughed and laughed and laughed. Later, McCain campaign headquarters put out a statement saying that while he disagreed with Obama on middle east policy, he was changing his policy to reflect Obama's position.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent readers of this blog recognize the necessity of lowered mean recognize the name George Carney. He's sort of the overlord's overlord, embodying all those attributes and characteristics we've come to expect from those who ride out their pointless lives on the backs of innocent animals.

Mr. Carney's goal of making it through his entire life without ever once contributing anything positive to the planet, civilization or any of the myriad elements that make up this plane of existence was recently dealt a small setback.

The state’s highest court has turned down a bid by Raynham dog track owner George Carney to remove a proposed ban on greyhound racing from the November ballot. In its ruling, the Supreme Judicial Court said voters had the right to eliminate animal racing involving betting, that racing was a statewide issue, and that abolishing racing did not result in an illegal taking of Carney’s property.

Well, for those who thought Mr. Carney was going to give up an entire life based around taking things from others, be they animals, or the rubes who bet on animals, we'd just like to say, What? You think this guy is suddenly going to become Mother Teresa or something?

Actually you'd be right because it turns out Mr. Carney has suddenly become very concerned about the people who work for him.

Now that Raynham Park owner George Carney has lost his court fight to block a dog racing ban his campaign will highlight the jobs that could be lost if the Raynham track and the state’s other dog track, Wonderland Greyhound Park in Revere, are shut down. "Look these people don't have any skills. Most of them are substance abusers, but heck, greyhound racing is such a dead end, loser magnet of an industry, they're all I could get. Well, that and I don't pay a living wage."

He said he plans to wait until September to start an aggressive marketing campaign because he doesn’t expect voters will pay much attention to the issue before Labor Day. "I plan to take pictures of some of my employees, particularly the ones still on parole, and distribute them around the state with the caption "Do you want this guy wandering around your neighborhood with nothing to do?'"

Whoa. That could work. We've seen some of the people who work at the dog tracks. For a long time we thought not having all your teeth was a job requirement. It isn't really, is it Fern?

Fern is quiet, sweet and loving. She was trying to climb up the curio cabinet to get to the baby dolls in them. She’s very friendly; she’s a happy girl. She’s very laid back. She likes chew bones. Fern would be fine in a working family home with well-mannered children. She loves kids, loves people. She would be fine with kids 4 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

And Another Similarity: They Both Had White Mommas

OK, we have run across some pretty weird stuff crawling around out here in the Internet toobz. Usually after a few Stolis, but that's beside the point. Just for fun try a Google search on "Possum grits" and you'll see what we mean. Or you could go straight to the liquor cabinet and cut out the middle man.

Anyway, we bring this up because of all the bizarre things that have appeared on our computer screen, this has to be one of the bizarrest.

The McCain campaign is taking their effort to distance their candidate from the unpopular President Bush to a whole new level: McCain's advisers are saying that Barack Obama is the one who is like Bush on the war!

We'll pause here a moment just to let that sink in, or until your head stops spinning.

Feeling better? OK, take a large drink because here's their reason:

"I think the American people have had enough of inflexibility and stubbornness in national security policy," McCain foreign policy adviser Randy Scheunemann said. When asked later by the Huffington Post's Sam Stein whether the campaign was disparaging President Bush, Scheunemann dug in: "We cannot afford to replace one administration that refused for too long to acknowledge failure in Iraq with a candidate that refuses to acknowledge success in Iraq."

Now, for those of you who haven't run screaming into the night, let's parse this little disquisition.

Premise one: President Bush is inflexible and stubborn because he looks at Iraq and sees only success where there is really failure.

Premise two: Senator Obama is inflexible and stubborn because he looks at the same Iraq and sees only failure where there is really success.

Conclusion: Senator Obama is like President Bush.

Well, except that he's a flip flopper.

This concludes our logic lesson for the day. The bar is now open.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

We Welcome Our Chinese Overlords

Over the last seven years or so, we here in the marbled halls of IM Central have had occasion to remark on the fact that our elected officials, or in this case the Bush administration has, in certain situations, and on particular occasions, when given the opportunity to be forthright and above board with the American public, instead chose to lie their scrawny white booties off.

We point this out, not from any sense of malice, or desire to malign what has perhaps been the most corrupt, inefficient, dishonest, inept, despotic, unscrupulous, dishonorable, unprincipled, unethical, amoral, untrustworthy, venal, underhanded, double-dealing, nefarious, crooked, shady and sleazy administration since Caligula.

Did we mention incompetent?

But that's not our point. Today Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told Congress that troubled mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are in "no danger of failing."

Which of course means that within a year we'll all be living in the back of our SUV's and cooking road kill squirrel over a fire started with what's left of our retirement portfolios.

And those are the lucky ones, so how does Chairman Bernanke explain the approaching extinction level tsunami of debt about to wash over our financial system? Let's listen in:

The two mortgage giants are "adequately capitalized," Bernanke said. However, "weakness of market confidence is having an effect" on the companies, making it difficult for them to raise capital.

Umm...Chairman sir? If Freddie and Fannie are 'adequately capitalized' why do they need to raise even more capital?

The companies' shares have plunged as losses from their mortgage holdings threatened their financial survival.

Ah. Well, thank you sir. A follow up: Would it be possible for you to keep the banks open long enough for us to get down there and get our money out?

"We will work our way through these financial storms," Bernanke said. "Who gets thrown over the side?" How long before we hear a splash? Is there a bottom?" Representative Emanuel Cleaver asked, stuffing papers in his briefcase and instructing his aides to bring the car around.

Gentleman? Speaking of splash, we're concerned members of the crew...say the entire middle class, might end up as jetsam if you get our drift.

Caught between risky cross currents of plodding growth and rising inflation, Fed policymakers are facing "significant challenges" as they try to find a way to right the economy, Bernanke told lawmakers. "And by 'significant challenge' we mean in a couple of years this country is going to make Thunderdome look like a meeting of the Ladies Axillary."

"I think conditions clearly call for a second flailing, ineffective, desperate attempt to stave off disaster," said Representative Barney Frank, chairman of the Financial Services panel. "Let's send everyone enough money to move to Belize."

Bernanke said it was a "bit premature" to go that route just yet but he didn't rule out such a course of action. He repeated his belief that the most important action Congress could take was to shore up the front entrance and bar the windows. It's difficult to chart a course when you're drunk most of the day, Bernanke said. "Do you have any contacts in Belmopan?"

Over the rest of this year, the economy will grow "appreciably below its trend rate" Bernanke said. "And by 'appreciably below its trend rate' I mean weasels will feast on the entrails of the old and infirm left by the road as families dissolve into roving bands of scavengers."

On the bright side, shorter lines at the unemployment office. Watch out for the gunfire though.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Let Me Excoriate Some Of My Econolectical Stratifications

Ruh Ro. This can't be good. El Presidente waxes eloquent on the 'conomy.

President Bush urged lawmakers to move quickly in putting into force legislation designed to help prop up mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac while declaring the nation's financial system to be "basically sound." When asked why a 'basically sound' system would need to be propped up as soon as possible, the president replied "because the 'sound' it's making is AIIIIIEEEE!!!!"

Bush said the two troubled mortgage companies play a central role in the nation's housing-finance system and that government action to help them were not bailouts, since the two would remain shareholder-owned companies. When asked what shareholder ownership had to do with the bailout Bush responded that the shareholders wouldn't have to bear the cost of the non-bailout. "Patriotic American taxpayers will step up to help," he said.

He also called on the Democratic-run Congress to follow his example and lift a ban on offshore drilling to help increase domestic oil production. "I readily concede it won't produce a barrel of oil tomorrow, but it will reverse the psychology," Bush told reporters. "Nothing will cheer consumers more than thinking 'Gee, gas is over four dollars a gallon now, but if we drill off shore in ten years it will be $3.98.'"

Amid soaring gas prices, the toughest real estate market in decades, falling home prices and financing that's harder to come by, Bush said: "It's been a difficult time for many whinny American families. Nobody I know is complaining."

But he also said that the nation's economy continues to grow, if slowly. When asked to explain, Bush said he had discovered that "if you just turn the chart upside down, all indications are positive. See, that's how you reconjugate the ecometric mental reception and bring stabilisity to our fissile situation. I took economicals in college."

Friday, July 11, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

A couple of weeks ago we told you how the overlords in Tucson had struck back against people with scruples by bringing the full weight of the legal system down on one Karyn Zoldan because she had the temerity to suggest that just because dogs were disappearing, dying (PDF) and just generally being neglected they weren't being cared for with all the commitment and affection we've come to expect from their exploiters.

You just can't satisfy some people.

Well, this week the overlords have found a spokesperson whose expertise and experience should, once and for all, put this controversy to rest. Meet Dr. Paul Pullen, track veterinarian and night watchman. Lay it on us Dr. P:

An initiative to regulate greyhound racing in South Tucson is based on misinformation and emotion rather than fact.
So those dogs really aren't dead? The Racing Commission wasn't really investigating the track? The Iraqis really did have WMD's?

No one should be deceived; this measure is not really about animal welfare. It's actually an effort by animal-rights activists to regulate a business out of existence.
Then shouldn't they be called Business-rights activists?

Ballot proponents claim that greyhounds need more exercise and outdoor time. This is simply not the case. Greyhounds do not have a high need for constant exercise; they are widely recognized as "couch potatoes" who are content to lay quietly for hours in their crates
They have couches in their crates? Boy we have been misinformed.

The proposed rule regarding meat fed to greyhounds is another bogus idea. Greyhounds have no difficulty digesting 4D meat; if they did, no rational person would feed it to them, since it would interfere with the greyhound's ability to perform at the track.
Hmmm...must have been sleeping in class the day they talked about Shiga toxin-producing Escherichia coli (STEC) and cutaneous and renal glomerular vasculopathy of greyhounds [CRVG].

Prohibiting the administration of steroids to prevent heat cycles also is misguided. There is no evidence that female greyhounds have suffered any serious long-term harm from this practice.
Of course the fact that you kill a lot of them before they get old could have something to do with that.

There's another aspect of this proposal to consider. If activists succeed in regulating greyhound tracks out of existence, what other businesses will be next?
That's right folks. If they make the overlords start treating animals with respect and decency what's next? Gay rights? Is that the kind of country you want to live in? Why do you hate America Capri?

Capri is highly intelligent & adaptable. Her first night in a home, she took herself up the stairs, without having seen anyone do it first! She is very sweet, loving, quiet and easygoing. She will tap you with her foot to get your attention. She likes to play in the snow when the weather is not too cold. When you rub her belly, she touches you with her front paw to encourage you to keep going. Capri would do well in a working family home with older, well-mannered children, 8 and up. She is good with other dogs of various sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Dr. Pangloss Joins The McSame Campaign

In high school, our PE instructor was also the football and wrestling coach. Additionally, he taught the "Health" classes to the guys which is where we got most of our sexual hangups, but that's another story. His approach to physical education was, not to put too fine a point upon it, rather old school, Neanderthalian to be honest. Forty five minutes of push ups, sit ups, squat thrusts and assorted other joint jarring, tendon stretching, muscle bruising machinations followed by a quick mile or mile and a half run was the epitome of best practice PE pedagogy in his view. He would deal with the occasional tearful breakdown, exhausted collapse or seizure with the inspirational call to reach deep inside of ourselves and discover our true potential: "Suck it up," he would say. Well, bellow actually. We never did hear him speak in a normal conversational voice, even when getting lunch in the cafeteria. "Suck it up," and the walls in the gym would vibrate. "The pain is only in your head."

We tell you this by way of introducing Phil Gramm, who is to economic policy what the old coach was to educational theory.

Phil Gramm, a former Texas senator, said he expects Mr. McCain to inherit a sluggish economy if he wins the presidency, weighed down above all by the conviction of many Americans that economic conditions are the worst in two or three decades and that America is in decline.

"Conviction." That's something that's just in your head right? See where he's going with this?

"You've heard of mental depression; this is a mental recession," he said.

Well, something is definitely "mental" around here.

"We have sort of become a nation of whiners," he said. "You just hear this constant whining, complaining about a loss of competitiveness, America in decline," he said.

Yeah. So those of you who lost your houses in the 53% increase in foreclosures last month, suck it up, the pain is only in your head.

And the 438,000 of you who've lost your jobs so far this year, not to mention those of you who will lose your jobs before Christmas, suck it up, the pain is only in your head.

Buncha Nancyboys.

Mr. Gramm said the constant drubbing of the media on the economy's problems is one reason people have lost confidence.

Oh now where getting to it. Those pesky reporters. What are they doing telling people gas is over four bucks a gallon. What are they doing telling people the price of food is going up and will continue to go up? What are they doing telling people those 3000 square foot homes out there in Buckingham Village Estates their mortgage broker talked them into when they only wanted that little ranch over on the south side are now worth doodly? Oh, and by the way, that $500 initial monthly mortgage payment? It's $5500 a month now. Pay up please.

"Misery sells newspapers," Mr. Gramm said. "Thank God the economy is not as bad as you read in the newspaper every day."

Darn straight. If it wasn't for the newspapers when all your neighbors moved away you wouldn't know it was because their houses were foreclosed, you'd think it was just something you said. When you lost your job you wouldn't know people all over the country were also losing theirs, you'd think you were just not suited for the position.

So, while you and your family are sitting in your refrigerator box out behind the strip mall that closed last May, trying to decide if you should put your last five bucks in the minivan so you can drive down to the unemployment office, or buy a package of Ding Dongs for dinner, just remember Senator Gramm's advice: Suck it up, the pain is only in your head.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

BREAKING: People Who Own Pets Like People Who Own Pets

You know, we are seldom surprised at the lengths the people who pass themselves off as reporters will go to avoid writing about issues that, actually, you know, mean something. After all, explaining complicated, issues; helping readers see the connection between often obscure policies and their day to day lives; and giving context and structure to world events is...well...hard. Besides, it takes time away from going to barbecues, and sharing donuts. It's just easier to let the person you're supposed to interview suggest the questions you should ask anyway. That way everyone is happy and what the public don't know won't hurt them, right?

(Eds: Yes we are aware of the irony of using the media to condemn the media. It is, as we have so often said, Ironicus at its Maximus)

With that in mind, you can understand our sense of ennui when we opened today's fish wrapper and found this:

If the presidential election were up to pet owners, John McCain could have a blue ribbon in his future. He has a veritable menagerie, including Sam the English springer spaniel, Coco the mutt, turtles Cuff and Link, Oreo the black and white cat, a ferret, three parakeets and a bunch of saltwater fish. Democratic candidate Barack Obama, on the other hand, doesn’t have a pet.

"I think a person who owns a pet is a more compassionate person — caring, giving, trustworthy. I like pet owners," said Janet Taylor of Plymouth, Mass. "Which is why I voted for Bush twice. OK, I could be wrong about that."

The poll found 47 percent of whites own dogs, compared with just 24 percent of blacks. Whites tend to favor McCain, while blacks overwhelmingly favor Obama. "Of course since owning a pet costs money and blacks are three times more likely to be living in poverty than whites, (PDF) that could be a reason too," said a spokesperson for the company that did the polling. "We didn't consider that as important as the cat/dog breakdown though."

The AP-Yahoo News poll is part of an ongoing study that tracks the attitudes and opinions of a group of more than 2,000 Americans to see how their political views evolve over the course of the election campaign.

When asked what owning a pet had to do with political views a spokesperson for the AP conceded it "didn't mean much. But have you tried to understand the FISA bill? What do you think we are, Einsteins?"

We had a dog named Einstein once. He enjoyed licking his own balls.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Seeing A Pattern Here?

We're coming to you from the Freudian Slip Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central today. FS is a wholly owed subsidy of the Nothing To See Here Corporation, in partnership with Never Mind The Man Behind The Curtain LLC.

An embarrassed White House apologized for an "unfortunate mistake" — the distribution of less-than-flattering biography of Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi.

The biography described Berlusconi as one of the "most controversial leaders in the history of a country known for government corruption and vice."

"Well, in our defense, that's more a slam against Italy than Berlusconi," White House spokesman Tony Fratto said. Tony Fratto is also Italian, so that helps too.

The biography said Berlusconi burst onto the political scene with no experience and used his "vast network of media holdings" to finance his campaign on a promise to "purge the notoriously lackadaisical Italian government of corruption."

"Again, that's more a dig on Italy," Fratto said. "I want to make perfectly clear that, like our president, even though Berlesconi's been charged with just about every act of corruption and malfeasance you can think of, he's never been convicted. That's why he's one of the Mr. Bush's heroes."

It was just last month that Berlusconi welcomed Bush to Rome, calling him "a personal friend of mine and also a great friend of rich people." And Bush responded then: "You're right. We're good friends. Just Like Batman and Robin."

More like Adolf and Benito but why quibble?

The biography went on to say that Berlusconi was appointed to the prime minister's office in 1994, "however, he and his fellow Forza Italia Party leaders soon found themselves accused of the very corruption he had vowed to eradicate."

"The important thing is he said he'd end corruption," Fratto told reporters. "Just like we said we'd win in Iraq, fix New Orleans, improve the economy and protect the environment. It's all in the delivery, see? That's politics."

Later, Bush was overhead to say he thought Genghis Khan had been misunderstood.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Too Bad Someone Is Already Using Freakonomics

Full disclosure: We are not economists. We took an economics class in college on a dare and actually learned what the relationship between demand and China was, but when the professor purported to explain hyperbolic discounting to the class, well, thank god for extra credit if you get our drift.

All of which makes us as qualified as John McCain to examine his new economic policy which he just pulled out of his a...uh...which he just announced after months of study, deliberation and consensus building with his economics team.

Senator John McCain (R-attlebrain.) plans to balance the federal budget by the end of his first term by curbing wasteful spending and overhauling entitlement programs, including Social Security. "And it will end poverty forever," said a McCain aide. "Don't forget that. Oh, and stop global warming too, but that's just a side effect."

“In the long-term, the only way to keep the budget balanced is successful reform of the large spending pressures in Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid,” the McCain campaign says in a policy paper. "Too many people are staying alive too long," said one adviser to the campaign. "It's really costing us a bundle. Cigarette?"

The McCain administration would reserve all savings from victory in the Iraq and Afghanistan operations in the fight against Islamic extremists for reducing the deficit. Since all their costs were financed with deficit spending, all their savings must go to deficit reduction.

When asked what the campaign meant by "savings from victory in the Iraq and Afghanistan operations in the fight against Islamic extremists" an aide to the senator explained that since neither country has a bottle return law, American soldiers had been instructed to collect cans and bottles while on patrol. "We've got warehouses full of that stuff," the aide said. "When we get it home we plan to redeem in in states with the highest deposits. Voila! war paid for."

McCain advisers admit that the document is a repackaging of previous policies, without dramatic new initiatives. "Well, come on," said one spokesperson for McCain. "We got no problem with 'previous policies.' If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Friday, July 04, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you from the Good News Bad News department here at IM Central today. We already told you about the good news, but because the overlords aren't very good at picking up after themselves there is always some bad news when a track closes temporarily forever.

Colorado's only greyhound-racing facility will end its racing season about nine weeks early, leaving 100 dogs needing new homes.

So much for "they're just like family to us."

The facility is limited to housing the greyhounds for 45 days after the last race, and the dogs must either be transported to other states to continue racing, used for breeding or adopted out of the sport and retired.

Or killed. Don't forget that one. Oh, and sold for medical research. That's a good one too.

Some severance package, huh Angler?

Angler is gentle and affectionate. He is a little sensitive to corrective voice tones. He is easygoing and enjoys being around people. He forms quick, strong bonds with his family and will shadow them. Angler is very friendly and aims to please. He is eager to learn by watching the other dogs and to interact with everyone in the house. Angler has a helicopter tail and chocolate brown ears that he folds forward to do a cute impersonation that looks like a Labrador retriever. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Angler would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Hounds Home For The Holiday

We're bringing back a long standing tradition here in the marbled halls of IM Central which we just remembered, it's called Hounds Home for the Holiday. Long time readers of this blog know mean know that we like to use festive occasions to help our needle nosed friends find a couch after long a faithful service to the overlords. And what better time to see that an escapee from the benevolent care of the racing industry gets a taste of freedom than on this, the anniversary of America's freedom from George the Overlord. It's what you call your basic win win scenario.

In fact, this is such a joyous occasion that we're going to pass a long a bit of good news from the wonderful wacky world of greyhound exploitation:

Starting Tuesday, Flagler Dog Track in Miami will operate under a new schedule.The greyhound racing facility will soon start a $100 million renovation.

Woo hoo!! 100 million! That's more money than the industry has made since...well...since it's been an industry. Can you imagine how many two dollar bets that is? Man! How many rubes are eating cat food tonight? Well, no matter, the point is after all the overlords have told us about how much they care for the dogs; how much of an investment they make in their training and care; how they're professional athletes used to only the finest treatment, can you imagine what kind of a kennel 100 million will buy?

Tell it to us Mr. Overlord. Tell us what's in store for these dogs who are like family to you:

This will allow construction crews to add class III Las Vegas-style slot machines, after voters in Miami-Dade approved pari-mutuel facilities in the county.

Oh. you could at least negotiate a severance package Mojo?

Mojo is happy and playful. He enjoys playing outside when the weather is nice. He is very friendly and affectionate. He will stand near you when you pet him and move his head so you can rub the parts of his face that he wants rubbed. He is easy going and mellow. He follows his foster mom around the house. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Mojo would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Sex? No Problem. Satire, Ah, Not So Much

We're coming to you from the Save The Children Department today, here in the marbled halls of IM Central. StC, is a subsidy of Kids Got No Respect These Days Corporation in partnership with The International Fund To Ban The Export of Smart Ass American Humor.

It seems a television network in Venezuela got themselves in a bit of hot water because of some less than wholesome programming choices.

Venezuelan regulators are forcing a local TV station to show public service announcements as punishment for broadcasting "The Simpsons" during a time slot reserved for children's programs.The Televen channel yanked the animated hit from its lineup in April after regulators said its 11 a.m. showing violated broadcast rules intended to protect young viewers.

OK, our first thought was why aren't children in school at 11:00 in the morning, but then we remembered we were only in school at 11:00 on days our dear, sainted mother was paying close attention, so hurray for the birth of Hooky Planet!

"The Simpsons" returned to the air at night, and was replaced in the morning with "Baywatch Hawaii."

Yeah. Well, here's where we get a little confused because instead of this, they get this.

But, you know? We don't have a problem with that.