Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Yeah? Well We Would Be Winning If It Wasn't For All Those People Trying To Make Us Lose

Frequent readers of this blog have probably learned to mean often search the inter toobz for insightful, sharp, penetrating analysis of political and world events. And then when they're done with that, they come here.

Now, we're not saying we don't occasionally provide insightful, sharp, penetrating analysis. We mean look, if you put enough monkeys in a room with enough typewriters...well, you get the point. Still, we have to admit to a certain level of confusion after reading a spate of reports about our glorious crusade to bring freedom, Big Macs and cheap oil to the liberty loving people of Iraq. OK, the cheap oil is for us, but what the heck, you think freedom is free?

First we are told we have turned the corner:

Signs are emerging that Iraq has reached a turning point. Violence is down, armed extremists are in disarray, government confidence is rising and sectarian communities are gearing up for a battle at the polls rather than slaughter in the streets. And in case you're wondering, yes I could have written 'gearing up for a battle at the ballot box rather than slaughter in the streets,' and finished that whole alliteration thing I started, but hey, I'm a serious journalist, not Jesse Jackson.

'Bout time we think. After all, Cheney's been telling us we've turned a corner for five years. He was bound to be right sooner or later. Stopped clock. Twice a day. You see our point. So, we're just about to break out the V I Day champagne when we see this:

A Shiite "special group" leader was behind a car bombing that killed and wounded scores of people Tuesday evening in northwest Baghdad, the U.S. military said Wednesday. "And by 'special group' we mean the same guys who've been blowing things up since we got here," said an unnamed Pentagon official."

Dang. Back to the Stoli. When are those whacky Iraqis going to learn we're the ones who are supposed to be blowing stuff up and shooting people. What part of "occupying army" don't they understand? Well, on the bright side, at least they're learning to live with us...coalition troops Humveeing all over their country.

Or maybe not.

Moqtada al-Sadr, the virulently anti-American militia leader, announced that he was forming a new, exclusive wing of his al-Mahdi Army to fight US forces. "We've got to do something with all the people who've been joining us," said a spokes mullah for al-Sadr. "Your president is a better recruiter than the 72 virgins."

You can see the nature of our confusion. So when do we get to the welcomed as liberators part we wonder. Yeah, yeah, it's not like we haven't been told all this before, but like we said, stopped clock. Twice a day. See, this is the surge man, the surge. This was the part where the president finally got it right, you know, even though everyone else said he was still screwing it up.

Iraq Study Group. Ambassadors. Foreign policy experts. What do they know? Bush has Dick Cheney.

Hmm...looks like confused may be about the best we can hope for.

1 comment:

George said...

Let's face it, 72 virgins is just overkill. Besides, all the teaching you'd have to do would become tiring and tiresome. A better ratio would be 3 sluts, 6 seemingly shy but secretly promiscuous, and maybe 22 virgins. That would set you up with a pretty pleasant monthly schedule, I'd think.

Of course you never know what happens to the virgins after that first month. Do you get to test for their personalities when you sign up?