So Long. Please Send Toothpaste And Toilet Paper

Say what you will about Tom DeLay, and probably what you're saying is "guilty," but here in the Marbled Halls we really like the guy. It's like he's the gift that keeps on giving. Check out his latest dispatch from the land of total cluelessness.

Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay urged colleagues Wednesday to "stand on principle" and ignore the media in a farewell speech to fellow Republicans. "Just because they got me, doesn't mean they'll get you," he said.

DeLay, facing trial in Texas on campaign money laundering charges, is leaving Congress Friday. When asked where the Congressman was planning to go, an aide said, "Well, we're hoping for Ashland, but we'll take Butner or Morgantown. I just hope we don't get Lexington. Oh, you mean while the trial's going on. I don't know."

When the doors were opened to let a congresswoman in to Delay's speech, members could be seen on their feet, cheering and applauding. "We always make the girls come in after we've had a little 'boy chat,'" said one congressional aide. "DeLay told this great story about Katherine Harris' talking bra and...well...never mind."

DeLay said later to reporters that he had advised GOP House members: "Keep a lawyer on retainer, at least three Swiss bank accounts, and never let anyone see the red accounting books."

"We have been able to make history for 12 years and we'll do it again once we're off probation," DeLay said he told colleagues. "It'll take the Justice Department 20 years to uncover all the programs we've put in place. And that's even if they do start caring about the laws again."

"I don't bear any regret at all. I'm very excited about what the future may hold," he said. "I'm told I may become someone's, what do they call it, beotch? I'm not sure what that is, but I'm ready for whatever the Lord has in store."

Just A Random Thought (the kind we're best at)

Today Bush said the killing of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was a "decisive victory" in the war on terror. During World War I the Battle of Belleau Wood was a decisive victory. In World War II it was the Battle of the Bulge. In the war on terror it's...uh...well...it's...um...we killed a guy.