Hounds Home For The Holiday

OK, so political discourse in the ruins of America has devolved to the point where national tee vee pundits best offering is to call the president a Cheney. We're going to have to abandon the olds so we can keep fighting to preserve anarchy in Afghanistan, but it really doesn't matter because soon we'll all be welcoming our new Chinese overlords, so let's do Hounds Home For The Holiday, then go get drunk and look at real estate catalogs from Belize.

And speaking of overlords, looks like they're still out there a carin' for the welfare of the units...erm...dogs.

...greyhounds raced last night at Tucson Greyhound Park, despite the fact that it was 104 degrees when the races began.

Now, in the overlords' defense we do have to say that while the dogs were running they were getting a little breeze as the wind blew over them.

On the previous night, the track only held four races before cancelling the remainder of races that had been scheduled. That was the right thing to do, but it raises an interesting question: why would the track do the right thing one night, but then turn around and put greyhounds in peril a day later?

Umm...because no racing means no money. This has been another installment of simple answers to simple questions.  Of course that's here in America. They take much better care of the greyhounds in England, right Rubin Morrow?

A major issue is that while most Greyhounds live for up to 13 years, their speed peaks at 3 or 4 years after which they lose speed. Since they cannot win races, they are often abandoned or put to rest. The Associate Parliamentary Group for Animal Welfare reported in 2007 that 4,728 greyhounds disappear from racing in Britain every year and stated that "We can assume that the majority of these dogs are destroyed."

Hey, that's not fair. You can't blame the overlords because the dogs live longer than they can make a profit. Blame god or something. What was he thinking giving them lives that long anyway? There's no way a 13 year old dog is going to make any money.

And another thing--just because the overlords...um...practice efficient inventory control doesn't mean the dogs aren't well taken care of when they are making money.

Another issue haunting the industry is the existence of medical problems in hounds from the tracks. Dogs often have teeth problems as well as parasitic and tick-borne diseases, which can be easily prevented, but occur due to negligence. But with proper vaccination, these diseases can be dealt with. All that is needed to deal with this is good healthcare.

 Come on now. Negligence? That's a pretty strong word. It's almost like you don't believe the overlords when they tell you they care about the welfare of the greyhounds. After all, these dogs are professional athletes who represent a sizable investment in time money and training. It would be stupid to treat them like they could easily be replaced by another if they didn't break in the money right away, right Rosie? What's that you say? Disposable as a bic lighter?

Rosie is very friendly, happy and well adjusted. She is affectionate and likes to give kisses. She is playful and likes to play with toys. She will entertain herself. She likes to “shop” and will find things to play with. She does not chew things but likes to find things. She moved the bar of soap from the bathroom to the living room. Rosie would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 7 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

In Other News: We Need Air To Breathe

Well this is interesting.

President Obama just held a press conference in which he said tax breaks for the rich at the expense of the poor are a bad thing.

Obama mounted a surprisingly aggressive moral case for ending high end tax cuts, casting it as a test of our society’s priorities...

Hey President O. You just now figured that out huh?

In Which Ironicus Laments Our Late Great Profession

Oh, hey look. Michele Bachmann announced she is running for president. Is it just us, or is this year's presidential race a lot like the race for California governor back in 2003. You know the once that had candidates like Gary Coleman, Arianna Huffington, porno star Mary Carey, retired sumo wrestler Tachikaze Rightmyer, custom denture manufacturer Ivan Hall, Trek Thunder Kelly and Angelyne--whose bio reads, "American model and occasional actress who ostensibly became an icon of Hollywood and Los Angeles, best known for purchasing billboards advertising herself"--and was eventually won by a man whose greatest claim to fame was pretending to be a homicidal robot. 

And speaking of Mitt, how's he taking this new challenge? Oh, we weren't speaking of Mitt? OK, well the whole thing has caught us a little off guard because we thought Bachmann was already running for president. Turns out she was "unofficially" running and now she's "officially" running.

Glad she cleared that up.

You know, as professional educational technicians when we listen to people like Bachmann, or Santorum, or Huckabee, or Palin, we tend to think the critics of American education are right, just not for the reasons they say, or in the areas they describe. The schools have not failed because Johnny can't read, or Jane isn't ready to become a corporate drone when she graduates, they have failed because they turn out people like the above named, and worse, people who vote for them. People who live by the slogan "Simple solutions to complex problems." People who are isolationists in the most basic and fundamental sense of the word because they see each issue as completely disconnected from the issues around it, untouchable by any effort except that which is directly focused upon it, and immune to the ramifications of any but the most direct intervention.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but these are people who just do not know what they do not know. They weren't born that way, they had to learn it somewhere either directly, or more likely indirectly, and school had some part to play it that. Want to take credit for people like Linus Pauling, or Aprille Ericsson? Got to take the blame for people like Bachmann and Louie Gohmert.

So Bachmann launches her campaign by calling on the spirit of John Wayne Gacy and when the first question out of the box is are you a flake, is truly offended and responds that she is a serious person. A serious person who thinks John Quincy Adams was a Founding Father, which would make John Adams a Founding Grandfather we guess.

Life can be challenging when you don't know what you don't know, yet you feel no hesitancy about expounding on the issues anyway. So Bachmann is going to say stupid things like evolution is a hoax, crazy  things, like the census is a government plot to herd people into concentration camps and bigoted things like schools are turning kids gay.

And you know, if that was all there was to it this wouldn't even be a blog post, but every time Bachmann says we don't need a minimum wage, or Santorum says if you're gay you're not really a person, but if you're a blastocyst, you are, or Louie Gohmert says just about anything, there are thousands of people out there nodding their heads up and down.

Those are the people the schools have failed, but we all will pay the price of that failure.

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the cosmos is not concerned with their dreams and aspirations...er...we mean know that a few months ago the Florida legislature gave the overlords a new lease on life by not acting on a bill to "decouple" greyhound racing from other forms of gambling and thus cut them adrift in a sea of gambling sharks while tying steaks to their ankles and smearing hamburger in their hair.

It would not have been pretty, but as we said, the legislature granted the overlords a reprieve. That was a while back so we thought we'd talk a little trip down to greyhound racing central and see what the overlords have made of their new lease on life. Have they unlocked the secret of getting people who have all their teeth out to the track? Can they really afford to throw those Wal-mart greeter school applications in the trash? Can they finally get someone who hasn't suffered a traumatic brain injury to believe them when they say they are concerned for the units...um...dogs' welfare? Inquiring minds what to know. Can you enlighten us Naples News reporter Steven Beardsley?

On a warm Memorial Day afternoon, the Naples-Fort Myers track in Bonita Springs said goodbye to its live racing season, hosting a final matinee for a modest crowd. The dogs would later be trucked to Miami, where they’ll race through the summer before returning in November.

Yes! Heartless Animal Exploitation lives! Um...we mean the season continues. OK, never mind that this shows there isn't enough interest in greyhound racing to keep all the tracks open throughout the year, so the industry has to engage in a sort of greyhound three card monty to keep afloat, but it's floating, man, it's floating. What other good news do you have Stevie?

Spectators flipped through $2 programs and placed bets. They avoided the sun, sipped on cheap drafts and abandoned worthless tickets to the ground. Starr Scuderi, 39, brought her 5-year-old daughter, Mae, for the family’s first visit since moving to the area in August. “I think we’ve lost every single thing we bet on,” Scuderi chuckled.

Booyah! More good news. The rubes is still losin' the rent money! Things are bad enough around the track already and if these bozos suddenly got smart enough to win a bet or two the overlords would all be walking home with a big bag of diddley and a pocket full of squat. Ah. Gotta love the rubes.

Norman Santini, 57, sat in the vacant second tier, his attention split between the track and a simulcast race from Palm Beach. A one-time regular, Santini said he now prefers Internet poker or blackjack at the Indian casino.

Look at that! Dudes losing on the race in front of him and losing more on the tee vee. Looks like you'll be able to get screens in the windows this year after all as soon as this guy...wait a minute. You say he'd rather play poker and blackjack with the Indians? OK we're thinking long term that's not a good thing.

When the track switched from year-round racing to a seasonal schedule in 2010, one kennel owner told me it was a welcome throwback to greyhound racing’s glory days, when dogs raced on a circuit. Fewer races would mean better-quality races, he said. Last Monday, it felt like another nail in the coffin of a slowly dying industry.

 Erm...nails..coffins...death. Suddenly this article isn't so cheerful and upbeat.

Racing is a shadow of what it once was. Revenues have fallen 54 percent in the past decade as bettors and gamblers turn to other alternatives, including the Internet and posh Native American casinos. Public support for dog racing is questionable, meanwhile. A recent Mason-Dixon poll found more Florida respondents viewed racing unfavorably (49 percent) than those who viewed it favorably (38 percent).

Aw man, there you go getting all fact based and stuff. You know the overlords hate it when you get all fact based.

Tracks see the writing on the wall. This past legislative session, they lobbied for a bill to decouple greyhound racing from the more lucrative card rooms and slot machines.

Jeez o peets, come on dude. Do you have to keep reminding the overlords about that? And telling them it's the track owners who want to dump them...well that's just mean right there, right  Seein' I?

She is curious but a little shy of new things. She is playful and likes to play with people. She will approach and puts her head in your lap and will rub her head on your legs for attention. She is a bit of a collector, and will pick up shoes, remote controls, eyeglasses, etc. but does not chew them. She has half of a tail that flaps up and down like a beaver when she gets excited.  Seein' I would do well in a working family home, with well mannered, older children, ages 8 and up. She is currently the only dog in the home and she is also good with other dogs. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Mormons! Motto: Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go To Heaven

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that the highway of life is littered with the road kill of expectations...erm...we mean know that we were once part of Peter's Posse, or as they like to say in Rome, Catholics! Motto: Modo cognito quid prosit rebus tuis.

We use the past tense because quite some years ago we turned in our official rosary and supply of Know Your Saints trading cards. Of course we knew at the time that, like it's national doppelganger, the mafia, you can never really quit the church catholic. See, once you get the holy dunking from a priest when you're baptized, you're in and there's nothing you can do to get out. Well, your soul anyway. You can take your body down to the nearest Creflo Dollar revival and roll all over the floor shouting for Jesus to come and save your sinning buttocks, but the big G still holds the paper on your afterlife. OK, so we can live with that. We mean, it's not like the draft or anything where you're suddenly going to find yourself at altar boy boot camp with a drill bishop shouting "Stercorem pro cerebro habes!" in your face at 5:00 a.m..

So we pretty much made our exit from the church. The nightmares have stopped and the twitches are more or less controllable now. Although in moments of great excitement we still do occasionally shout Hui Excrementum! We've gotten on with our lives for the most part however, having learned that it is best to steer clear of all people who start a conversation with the phrase, "God spoke to me..." But now we find out that having our immortal after parts stuck in La Cosa Catholic whether we want to be or not is the least of our troubles because the Mormon church can convert you to their team after you're dead!

Does pope Bene know about this? We mean, dude's been busting his drape covered booty to get pope Paul on the All Saints Travel Team and now it turns out Pauly could be playing for the Saints all right, the Latter Day Saints.

Now this raises some serious theological issues. What if the mormons decided to turn Jesus into a mormon? The guy's dead, right? He qualifies. Do all the rest of the churches have to throw in the towel and say, "All right, you got us. Your conversion technique cannot be defeated."

But what if it can be defeated? Come on, if mormons can turn catholics into mormons, why can't catholics turn mormons into catholics? What's involved here anyway? Did the mormons stumble onto some secret da Vinci code or something? Wait, there weren't any mormons in da Vinci's time. OK aliens, how about some kind of alien technology? No, that the scientologists. Hey, could the mormons make an alien a mormon?

Never mind. And how do dead people, who may have spent their entire lives thinking they were methodists, or presbyterians, or whatever know they are mormons now? Does god send a cherub to their house in heaven with a set of funny underwear? Is there some sort of probationary period, or is it like baptism? Do you get a choice? We mean, they made Jack Ruby and Lee Harvey Oswald mormons. We're thinking that can't work out well.

(h/t)

Friday Hound Blogging

For years the  overlords have maintained that if they could just get the word out to a wider audience about the heartless exploitation of innocent animals for profit...erm...the exciting sport of greyhound racing, the rubes would come back...ah...we mean fans would once again flock to greyhound racing tracks and the world would rediscover the thrill of 40 mph canine athletes flashing past them as the crowd cheered their favorites on to victory. And hopefully their favorites wouldn't break any bones, or get killed in the effort. And hopefully once their favorites were done racing they wouldn't be summarily murdered, sold to medical research or just dumped somewhere to fend for themselves.

And you know, the overlords might have a point. We mean, there's no national coverage for greyhound racing. They don't have any events that would attract the big media like the Kentucky Derby or the Indianapolis 500. The only coverage they get is from local papers where there is a track, and that's usually limited to who got arrested lately.

See, what the overlords need is some way to get the word out to the whole country, some major network or nationally circulated newspaper so say  "Hey. We're Greyhound Racing. We Kill And Maim Animals For Your Enjoyment And Our Profit."

Hmm...that sounded better in our heads. But that's the point. The overlords need professionals with national experience and contacts. Like we said, a major television network or a newspaper with a national following. A paper like, say the Wall Street Journal.

Greyhound racing—the sport Winston Churchill called "animated roulette"—is going to the dogs. For decades, greyhound racing captivated Britain's working class. As World War II drew to a close in Europe, attendance levels at the U.K.'s 200 tracks reached a peak of 50 million a year.

 Bam! There it is. See, right away you got greyhound racing connected to a national icon like Churchill, and a statistic--50 million fans. We bet you're already thinking, "Hey this greyhound racing thing. What am I missing?" Well read on...

But the popularity of this former national obsession began to wane. Competition from the new medium of television and a wider variety of leisure options for working people led to a decline in attendances. Tracks began to close, and they've been closing ever since. Only 25 remain in the U.K. today, attended by just 2 million people in 2010. Walthamstow Stadium is the most recent casualty. It was one of the last remaining tracks in London, and an icon of the sport, but was forced to close its traps for good in 2008.

Ha! See? Just a few words from the national press and we bet you're thinking of becoming one of those two million fans that...uh...used to be 50 million. Is that right? Somebody interview an overlord.

Paul Walden, a former trainer in Swindon in Wiltshire, whose family has been training dogs since the 1930s, recently quit the business altogether as it was bleeding cash. "I've given up. I couldn't make it pay any longer," he says. "The prize money is being cut but everything else, like diesel and dog food, is going up. Once the owners start disappearing, breeders aren't prepared to have more dogs and trainers don't want to go through the hassle if there is no demand. I have gone back to painting and decorating."

This isn't turning out the way we had planned. Who OK'd the phrase "bleeding cash?" Somebody get rewrite on the phone and let's see if we can balance this with more on the American greyhound racing industry.

Greyhound racing's decline is being felt globally. According to figures published by the Associated Press, there are only 25 tracks left in just seven states in the U.S. compared with 50 tracks in 15 states a decade ago. The amount of money bet annually on races in the U.S. fell from $3.5 billion in 1991 to $1.1 billion in 2007.

Crap. Maybe national attention isn't the best thing for greyhound racing after all, is it Ashley?

Ashley is very outgoing and active. She is very playful and very affectionate. She will put her face in your lap and will nudge your hand for attention. Her “mission in life” is to empty the toy box. She likes to put them on the area rug so she can climb on top and take a nap. Ashley would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, ages 10 and up. She is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

God! Motto: Nothing Up My Sleeve

Here's the thing about god--dude's got some major league communication issues. And yes, god's a dude, OK? We grew up in the church catholic so god's a dude 'cause pope's a dude, cardinal's a dude, bishop's a dude, local priest's a dude. Dudes, dudes, dudes just like the bible says it's supposed to be so just take your Mary Magdalene is the bomb, women should be priests, Gaia loving self over there in the corner and practice your husband  submitting skills or something.

Now, where were we? Oh yeah, god has trouble expressing himself, particularly his feelings, which is another reason we know he's a dude. All through the ages folks have been trying to figure out what god wanted, whose side he was on and would he want them to buy the Vette or the Mustang. And all through history god's been about as clear as Sarah Palin explaining nuclear energy when it came to figuring out what he wanted.

Take the Crusades for example. Pope Urban II was so sure god was telling him to get up a posse and go kick some Muslim booty he told everyone who went that they would receive a get out of hell free card direct from the Big G. And what did the christians get for crusading NINE FREAKIN' TIMES? Bupkus.

We interrupt this blog for the obligatory Hitler comment:

The motto of the German Army in WW II was Gott Mit Uns, which means god with us. Hey Adolf, somebody's not listening.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog already in progress:

So anyway the point is now we've got three people running to replace the Keyan Usurper who all say god is telling them to run.

After a thorough investigation, Daily Intel has discovered that God is separately backing at least three different contenders for the Republican presidential nomination. Over the course of the past few months and even years, God has sent signs and direct messages to each of these candidates encouraging them to run, presumably without telling them that he supports other candidates as well.

That god, he's such a scamp! You know he's just messing with two of these folks' heads, right? Wrong. See, god's not just emotionally closed off, he has commitment issues too. We mean, in the old testament he's all like Jews ma dawgs! Then in the new testament comes along and he's all like I was catholic when Moses was in kindergarten. Then he's like speaking Latin is really boring, I'm gonna create Lutherans, then Methodists, then Baptists, then Unitarians, then Seventh Day Adventists (that was after a party at Peter's house. Talk about turning water into wine, Whoa!) and on, and on, and on.

Dude. Make up your mind, OK?

So, this is probably all pretty confusing to you right about now just as it is for the Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, and Herman Cain. Therefore, as a public service, we here in the marbled halls of IM Central, as former bad catholics who have since fallen away completely are going to use our Madd God Divinin' Skillz to clear it all up. And we'll even do it in English, instead of god's native language, Latin (Hui Excrementum! Denuone Latine loquebar?)We are professionals. Do not try this at home.

First of all, Michele Bachmann. Sorry dear. Do you really think god would ask a women? Have you paid attention to 2000 years of chrisitan history at all? We got to tell you honey, god's not even happy you're out of the house. And we don't mean the House either. Titus 2: 3-4 baby. Titus 2: 3-4. Word to the wise.

Herman Cain, seriously? You think god wants to replace one black dude with another, blacker dude? You been watching too much Creflo Dollar man. We mean, have you seen Jesus at all? God's son?

See, it's the blue eyes man, that's how they knew he was god's son, what with no one else around there being Caucasian and all. Tough luck Herm.

That leaves Rick Santorum and you're thinking gotta be him right? Nope. This is where our advanced training in Sister Victorine's (of the Sisters of Perpetual Detention) seventh grade catechism class comes in. She taught us that god's all about misdirection. He's all about coming at you sideways. OK, she didn't teach us that, but that's what we learned. He says you're his chosen people and the next thing you know the Romans are wearing your fanny for a hat. He says he's done with the Jews and he's building a whole new church so come on down and the next thing you know you're the guest of honor at a buffet for lions. He says tell everybody else to sell all their stuff because the world's ending May 21st and all you get for being god's advance man is a lousy stroke. 

You get the picture.

So about all we can tell from this is that these are the three people god doesn't want to run for president, but they're going to run anyway and just like the Jews, the chrstians and the crusaders it's going to be painful to watch and ultimately futile.

If Hitler Had Been A Cynophobe Women Wouldn't Need To Work Outside The Home

Well...um...this is odd.

Rabbi Daniel Lapin, a favorite figure on the Religious Right, really out-did himself on Wallbuilders Live with David Barton yesterday. The topic of conversation was the suggestion that animals should be referred to as “companions” instead of “pets.” Lapin claimed that the elevation of animals in our society has lead to horrible things, from Nazi Germany to (gasp!) women’s rights.

OK, our first question is what's a Jew doing on a christian radio show? We mean, sure christians like Israel and all, but that's just because it happens to be the place where Gog and Magog are finally gonna get their Satan loving buttocks kicked by the big JC. As for the people living in Israel...ah...not so much.

Be that as it may, however, the good Rabbi did come on and say treating animals better means treating people worse, to which St Francis of Assisi replied, "stuff it Jewboy."

Course, St Francis being a catholic and all, probably neither Barton of Rabbi Bonehead have heard of him. Haven't heard of Dr. Randall Lockwood (vice president of training and initiatives for the Humane Society of the United States) either we guess. You would have thought they'd have picked up on a little chatter the J man laid on his posse one day:

Verily I say unto you, they who partake of benefits which are gotten by wronging one of God's creatures, cannot be righteous...

 Now you're thinking, "Hey, this is David Barton we're talking about here. When has being righteous ever been an issue for him?"

OK, OK we see your point, so let's quit beating around the bush and get right to the obligatory Hitler quote:

It’s not an accident that Adolf Hitler was almost never seen without his dog, who he was petting constantly. Loved his dog!

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that ambition is the seed of despair...erm...we mean know that we here in the marbled halls have expressed more than a passing fancy for canis familiaris on more than one occasion. And yet it's been over a year since we goosestepped around the house in jackboots and we can't even remember how long it's been since we felt compelled to invade neighboring countries. Hmmm...well, maybe it's OK for guys to have pets, just not the wimmenz:

The reality is that the lives of most women are not as good today as they were years ago, they’re just not good. Now “oh they’ve got opportunities,” yeah they do, like they can get shot up and tortured in Iraq, and guess what-I’ve traveled, you’ve traveled. I mean how often does my heart break when I see a woman on a business trip frantically trying to calm her children over the telephone and tell them they should go to be with the sitter and she’ll be home after they’re asleep. That’s the woman who’d like to be with her kids if she could, but no--we really are making life tougher on people and all of this is of course consistent with the idea of promoting rights for animals.

Since we're not theologians like the good Rabbi, or historians like Mr. Barton we have to say this demonstration of high powered religio/historical logic is beyond our meager intellectual abilities, even after a Stoli or three, but in keeping with the fine tradition of religious thought and historical scholarship represented by these two intellectual giants, we'd like to offer our contribution to the ultimate survival of American society, and rescue the ladies at the same time, so we'll be contacting Rabbi Lapin and Mr. Barton with invitation to join our new national campaign: Kick a Cat for Women's Rights.

Using the same power of reason and logical skill that enabled Rabbi Lapin to analyze the pet/working women conundrum and arrive at his conclusions regarding the treatment of animals and the need for women to stay out of airports while their children are still too young to drive, we expect Kick a Cat for Women's Rights will solve the infrastructure problem in the United States and finally enable the Cubs to win the series.

You don't have to thank us. It's something we do for the good of all.

In Which Ironicus Ponders The Unponderable

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know hope is the true opiate of the people...erm...we mean know that we here in the marbled halls of IM Central make no claim to being political scientists, if there even is such a thing. We mean, politics and science have some sort of relationship? You can use the rational structure and logical methods of science to investigate the inner workings of politics? OK, then how do you explain Rush Limbaugh? Let's see you put some of your scientific method on that bad boy and not end up with sweet, sweet reason laying in a smoking ruin at your feet.

Well, our point is that even with the current state of political affairs in this once great country being akin to chaos on ecstasy, the one half way reliable consistency we could hang on to was that historically, the Democrats have been the party of the little guy and the Republicans have been the party of the fat cats. So imagine our dismay when, as we were surfing the intertoobz while the Stoli cooled in the freezer we ran across this.

Republican White House hopeful Mitt Romney unleashed a hard-hitting campaign ad Monday blasting President Barack Obama's handling of the economy, the top issue on voters' minds in the 2012 race.Romney himself does not appear in the video, which turns Obama's June 3 comment that "there are always going to be bumps on the road to recovery" into an attack highlighting historically high unemployment of about 9.1 percent.

Now, you could argue that Romney would be the Flying Spaghetti Monster if he thought that would help him get elected, but this week at least he is nominally a Republican and he's blasting Obama, who is nominally a Democrat for not paying attention to the fact that the only thing working in this country is Anthony Weiner's weiner.

The oil slick in a suit has a point, but to be fair, Obama has done a lot to make sure bankers, hedge fund managers and such haven't lost their jobs and  homes due to the fact that they stole the economy, drove it into a ditch at high speed, then got out and set it on fire, but as we reported last week, the rest of us? Ah, not so much.

But a Republican championing the little guy? A Republican like Romney? That's like some guy hitting you over the head, taking your wallet then offering to lend you bus fare so you can get to the ER where they'll refuse to treat you because you don't have your insurance voucher.

The world is starting to make less sense when we're sober than after we've had an adult beverage or two.

Friday Hound Blogging

Now, for those of you have have come to rely on the highly trained, incredibly professional and mostly sober staff here in the marbled halls of IM Central for your up to the minute, breaking, second to second news about the heartless exploitation of innocent animals for profit...uh...greyhound racing, we'd like to say thank you and we're both honored and humbled by the faith you have shown in us.

We'd also like to say you need to get out more often. We mean, have you read the blog at all? Does the phrase arrested development mean anything to you? Do you really think this is something responsible adults should be engaging in? Well, OK. You're here and the damage has been done, we suppose, so let's get on with it.

Frequent reader(s) of this blog are expecting some sort of sarcastic comment aimed at them right about now, but instead we'd like to draw your attention to an ongoing series of posts concerning the doings at the closed Walthamstow Greyhound Death Camp...erm...we mean Walthamstow Greyhound Racing Stadium. We bring this up because it's one of the few times we've even remembered previous posts, let alone gone back to the topic with the idea of doing a followup. This just shows that we are capable of adult behaviors like commitment to a cause, even if it is the cause of making our way through the entire list of vodka drinks.  Oops. Heh heh. Wrong cause. We're talking about the ongoing battle to assign Walthamstow stadium to the backrooms of history.

And there is some encouraging news to report on that front.

London and Quadrant (L&Q) has submitted plans to Waltham Forest Council to turn the famous ex-greyhound racing stadium in the borough into 300 new homes.

Notice the prefix "ex" in front of the phrase greyhound racing stadium.  That's an "ex" like in EXtinguished, EXhasted, EXtinct, EXcluded, EXorcised, EXpelled, EXpired, EXpunged,and EXterminated, which is very EXciting and will cause great EXultation.

Of course that's not true for everyone, as we'd imagine Bob Morton is somewhat sad that his chance to fleece the rubes for a few more years hasn't panned out.

The application follows much hype about the future of Walthamstow Stadium. L&Q has turned down bids for the site from greyhound enthusiast Bob Morton, who wants to restore dog racing and add affordable family homes at the venue.

 Sorry Mr. Morton, but as our old daddy used to say, sometimes you're the pigeon and sometimes your the statue. As for the rubes, hey guys, all isn't lost. Why not head over to Oxford greyhound racing stadium and lose your rent money to a whole new set of overlords?

Oxford greyhound racing stadium is no stranger to financial crises and the looming threat of closure.

Uh oh. Guess if the rubes are going to help the overlords at Oxford with their trailer payments they'd better hurry, huh  Opie?

Opie is a happy-go-lucky guy who is still young at heart. He is friendly, trusting, affectionate, and playful. He follows the foster dad everywhere. He will put his front legs on the bed in the morning and paw at you to be petted. Opie looks especially cute when he is feeling very alert and points both ears straight up with just the tips curled over. He also loves to sit when he thinks he hears someone near the cookie jar. Opie would do well as an only dog or with other dogs. He has lots of energy for a senior and appreciates going for a walk or playing outside. He would be happy in a working family, or one that is home more often. He would probably do well with well-mannered children. He loves to be outside, so a family that would include him in outdoor activities would be great. His size would allow him to fit well in a smaller home or condo. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Why We Drink. Chapter 19,437

Leading stories of the week:

Weiner's weiner

Palin's midnight ride

Bachmann to Palin "You're ugly and nobody likes you!"

Meanwhile, in our universe:

Brother Can you spare a dime?

Our house was a very, very fine house

Oh, and "we've always been at war with Eastasia."

Ask Teachers In Sillsbee What They Do For a Living And They'll Say Stay Out Of Bolton's Way

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know Mondays are the harbingers of despair...erm...we mean know that as card carrying members of the local educorporate training facility we often write about our brothers and sisters who worship with us here at the altar of knowledge.

But sometimes those peers are high on incense.

A high school girl from Texas — we don't know her name — claimed several boys forced her into a room, locked the door, held her down and sexually assaulted her at a party when she was 16 years old in 2008. Witnesses said that when others heard her yelling “Stop” and started banging on the door, the boys escaped through a window, leaving their clothes behind.

Now you would think, given the relative state of undress of the perpetrators, it would have been pretty easy to track them down. But wait, it gets even easier.

Witnesses later said Rakheem Bolton, one of the boys involved, returned to the house for his clothes, shouting obscenities about the girl to the owner of the house.

That's right, not only did this fine specimen of Texas manhood return to the scene of the crime to retrieve his Abercrombie and Fitch, he took a little time out of his busy schedule being a felon to voice his displeasure with the pleasure provided by the young lady he had just victimized.

OK, so you got witnesses, evidence and a perp who apparently isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. Open and shut, right?

Did we mention this is Texas?

A grand jury in Silsbee, Texas, refused to return charges against Bolton, a football and basketball star at Silsbee High School.

Now, before you go getting all up on your high horse about this, remember, the rapist played two sports.

The district attorney said publicly he wasn't surprised, noting that the grand jury wasn't sure about a lack of consent. He mentioned that all of the individuals had been drinking.

Little known fact: Texas Public Act 65-19(d) states that when there is underage drinking going on  being dragged into a room, trapped and heard screaming for help is not cause to suspect fowl play because, hey, there's drinking going on and boys will be boys, you know? Oh, and she was probably asking for it, being a girl and all don't you know.

So, the adults looked into the situation, made their determination and life goes on, right?

Four months later, the girl, a cheerleader for Silsbee High, was cheering for her team when Bolton went to the free-throw line. She had been cheering for the team the whole game, but when Bolton went to the line, she didn't cheer. She folded her arms and stood still. She had done this before without incident.

Oh, now that's definitely a bad attitude right there. Somebody needs to set this girl straight. We can't have this kind of disrespect and open insolence here at Silsbee High. Where are the school officials?

School officials, including — get this — the Silsbee principal and the district superintendent, confronted her for not cheering and ordered her to chant with the others: “Two, four, six, eight, ten! Go, Rakheem! Put it in!”

'Bout time somebody in authority said something to this girl. After all, these kids have to learn respect, they...wait...what was she supposed to cheer?

“Two, four, six, eight, ten! Go, Rakheem! Put it in!”

Wow. How can you pack that much stupid in just one city? There's got to be some sort of stupid compression algorithm operating here. First the grand jury can't indict a kid who came back naked and yelled about the girl he'd just raped because they were too busy trying to pick their noses without poking themselves in the eye, and now the chief educational office of the district and the chief educational office in the high school in question who somehow managed to dress themselves and get to a game exhibit a degree of cluelessness truly galactic in scope.

This is going to make Silsbee a tourist attraction for sure. We can see it now, "Visit Silsbee Texas, We Make Texas Smarter Because Most Of The Stupid Is Here."

It didn't end there. Her father was incensed. He wouldn't let it go. In part because of the D.A.'s public comments about the earlier grand jury proceeding, another grand jury was seated and a special prosecutor appointed. This grand jury indicted Bolton and another boy on a felony charge of sexual assault of a child.

Oops. Looks like the fun's over there Rakheem. Time to pay the piper.

Bolton wound up pleading guilty to a lesser charge of misdemeanor assault.

Sure, but the superintendent made him autograph fifty basketballs for the kids down at the elementary school. Role model you know. And when the principal testified as a character witness, he said it was just a youthful indiscretion, a one time mistake by an otherwise good boy who has really learned his lesson and taken responsibility for his actions.

The problem lies with the school. Here's how bad it was, how much the school wanted this Bolton kid to play. After he threatened a science teacher, his penalty was lessened from suspension to an in-school suspension so he'd be able to play in the playoffs.In fact, according to U.S. Supreme Court documents, the school actually shortened its school day on the second day of that suspension to allow Bolton to be on the bus for an out-of-town game.

They have a science class? Doesn't that sort of thing cut into basketball practice?

Friday Hound Blogging

Well another week is in the books and guess what? No tracks closed, no legislatures banned the heartless exploitation of innocent animals for profit...uh... greyhound racing, so that application to Walmart Greeter School can sit on the overlords' desks for at least one more week.

Ah, good times, good times. And they should be celebrated, right Jack PotBetting, aka, Jim Smith, aka Les Mutchie aka Michael Somers?

Greyhound Racing can steal a line from Mark Twain when he said "the reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated."

Yeah, well he also said, "The pains which it inflicts upon unconsenting animals is the basis of my enmity towards it, and it is to me sufficient justification of the enmity without looking further," but it has been a whole week, so do go on.

It seems that the impending demise of greyhound racing is a popular myth being propagated by hate groups that have a vested interest in promoting the story that greyhound racing is a dying sport and soon will be dead when actually the facts point to quite a different story.

Whoa! "Popular myth?" So you're saying hate groups convinced people to stop coming to greyhound tracks? Year after year after year. Made up those stories about Ron Williams? Cooked the books so it looked like greyhound racing was bleeding money and being propped up by the states with tracks? Bought off the people form Harrah's and the track owners in Florida so they'd try to get laws passed to get them out from under greyhound racing? Is that what you're saying? You related to Fox Mulder at all? Just asking.

Recently the Palm Beach Kennel Club located in West Palm Beach Florida hosted a Saturday afternoon racing crowd of over six thousand fans and counting bets from off track locations and a growing on-line community of greyhound enthusiasts there wagered over $700,000 on a single card of racing which is indeed the highest total of the current season and approaches the all time record handles dating back to the mid 1980's. So does that sound like Greyhound Racing is dead? I think not!

Um...that's real nice and all, but we wouldn't read too much into it. You can't link up with a nationally promoted, nationally televised horse race every weekend, you know? Not that we want to take anything away from you having a good day and all, but it's sort of like kissing your sister. While you're doing it, if you close your eyes you can pretend it's Angelina Jolie, but when you open them you're still staring at that big zit she has on her nose.

Now don't get me wrong Greyhound Racing has indeed retreated from its height of popularity during the 1980's when it was the seventh largest spectator sport in the United States.

Seventh largest spectator sport? Isn't that sort of like being the best ballerina in Boise?

During the last several years many greyhound tracks have suffered from a serious decline in business, much like bowling alleys and other once popular establishments, and as a result a large number of those facilities have closed their doors.

Oh no he dinnit! You dissin' bowling dude? Hey Bowling Proprietors Association of America, punk callin' you out. Whachu say?

“There’s no factor that has been more important in driving the growth and resurgence of bowling than our industry-wide focus on providing a great experience to our customers.  From the 71 million people who bowl every year to the more than 4,000 operators who are members of the BPAA to the major global brands that sponsor bowling – it is the industry’s ability to deliver a great experience to all of our stakeholders that has helped fuel our success,” said Executive Director Steve Johnson.

  Oh snap! Seventy one million people and 4,000 operators to your 6,000 fans and 20 some tracks. That's looking an awful lot like IN YOUR FACE BITCHEZ!! Overlords need to get some of their posse up in here. Hey Florida House of Representatives Budget and Consumer Affairs Subcommittee, help a brotha out, yo?

Florida is considered the nation‟s leader in greyhound racing. However, over the last ten years, the state‟s pari-mutuel wagering industry in general has experienced a 43.6 percent decline in handle, and total state revenue has decreased 54.6 percent; along with a 9.3 percent decrease in the number of racing days.

Not helping.  OK, Mr. aka whatever, looks like it's back to you.

These failed tracks and many of those still operating at far less than full capacity have been guilty of a failure to adapt to a changing demographic coupled with a much more competitive marketplace and those are the main ingredients responsible for the industry's decline.

Now you're on to something dude. You got a demographic changing from people who don't know about the barbaric exploitation, cruel injuries and senseless deaths suffered by greyhounds to a demographic that  is against the barbaric exploitation, cruel injuries and senseless deaths suffered by greyhounds. Got to change with the times, man. So what's your plan?

Track management must accept the majority of the blame for the failure of Greyhound Racing to thrive considering the fact that of all of the forms of gambling that exist, Greyhound Racing offers the most honest, most exciting and potentially the most profitable game to wager on in the world today. Greyhound Racing was saddled with being managed by a historically inept group of individuals who failed to recognize trends and whose response to those trends was mostly ineffective or in many cases nonexistent.

Uh, Mr. aka sir? That's the landlord you're talking to. The people who own the real estate. The people who came within a hair's breadth of kicking your freeloading butt into the street in Florida, Iowa and Arizona this year. We're thinking this is not the time to be speaking truth to power. Just saying.

Another negative factor in play currently impacting greyhound racing has been a nonstop public relations campaign against both racing and the greyhound breed itself being waged by a hate group that ironically has a name that is similar to one of the biggest frauds ever seen in this country, Y2k. This Y2k hate group has found a sweet spot and is basically operating a money machine that is supported by the unsuspecting victims that fund this fraudulent scheme with their donations in the name of saving the greyhounds.

Y2k is like Grey2K. Ha Ha Ha! That's pretty funny, except the last time we checked the year 2000 did come,  so we're not quite sure where you're going with that. And the public relations campaign? Are you saying Ron Williams was a publicity stunt? Or the fact that when you search for greyhound abuse history on Google you get 6,270 hits, along with a nice graphic showing the growth of stories since the industry began? Got to be  as serious conspiracy if the Grey2k folks were carrying out a nonstop public relations campaign before they were even born. You know Fox Mulder?

The talking points of this unscrupulous bunch focus on the so called inhumane treatment of the racing greyhounds which again is ironic because as anyone with even a slight knowledge of greyhound racing is aware that the greyhounds are quite possibility the most well cared for animal in the world.

Darn straight. And if you want proof, Mr. And Ms John Q. Public, the overloads have the proof. Just ask Ron Williams,  or the folks who give Viagra to the dogs, or Dr. Joe Robinson, or the trainers at the Mardi Gras track, or well, walk into a kennel yourself and look around. Oh wait, you can't.

Ryan Reed recently wrote a book about greyhounds and greyhound racing called BORN TO RUN and the book is written from the prospective of someone coming from the greyhound adoption side of the business. Ryan wrote "I quickly discovered that people had incredibly strong opinions about racing, but when asked how many racetracks or breeding farms they had been to the answer was almost always "None". I was struck by the fact that a person could have such strong feelings about something he had never seen for himself."

Umm...Mr. Ryan? That's because people can read the stories in the newspaper, and see the videos on the tee vee.  You need to get out more often.

Recently this Y2k hate group has backed off the animal abuse issues as it has become more and more obvious that the facts just don't support their story.

Erm...apparently the fellow who writes the Grey2K blog didn't get that memo, Mr. aka. He's still writing about abuse.

Their latest attacks on greyhound racing are based on the declining popularity of the sport which is actually true to a great extent however the sport is far from dead and recent advances and a general acceptance in the industry that the base product needs to be refined to appeal to a younger customer base indicate that just maybe greyhound racing is on the rebound.

Appeal to a younger crowd huh? Good luck with that.

It is quite possible that greyhound racing has yet to see its finest hour and the turnaround might be just getting underway.

Their finest hour is just getting underway? Aw, Audrey, you were born a little too soon. Just think, if you'd only been born a couple of years from now you could have participated in the finest hour. Or more likely you could have been born as a pet in the first place and not had had to risk your life for a couple of years first so some deadbeat losers could make their trailer payments. Ah, tomato tomahto, huh?. 

Audrey is a loving, playful, outgoing, friendly girl. She loves her tummy and ears to be rubbed and she has no problem locking her big brown eyes with yours to let you know that she trusts you. She is curious about everyone and everything that she sees. Audrey is like a puppy she is very energetic. She likes to sleep on her back, like playing dead. Her foster mom hasn’t caught her playing with toys, but she can be in the basement and she can hear Audrey playing with them. Audrey is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Audrey would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. She is young and playful and would do well with another dog to keep her company, or as an only dog in a family that will exercise her often. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

In Other News, Day Brighter Than Night

We pretty much have lost the capacity to be surprised at what our new Teabagger overlords want to take away from us next. Collective bargaining? Forget it, negotiate your own salary. Benefits? Forget it, buy your own with the salary you negotiated. An equitable tax base that contributes to adequate funding of things like education, public safety and efficient infrastructure? Who you think you're talking to?

Still, even with the new social order we were a little caught off guard by this.

Gov. Paul LePage has signed into law a bill to ease Maine's child labor restrictions so teenagers can work longer hours. The bill signed today by the governor will allow students to work as many as 24 hours rather than the 20 per week under current law. It also increases from four to six the number of hours students can work on school days. Students can work as late as 10:15 p.m. on nights before school.

We've generally come to the conclusion that our betters don't like poor people, or old people, or sick people, but we still kind of thought they liked kids. Should have known.

It's pretty obvious, even to our Stoli infused thinking processes, that when your value in society is directly proportional to how much money you have to spend on things you probably don't want and definitely don't need so CEO's can continue to make 250 times what the average worker in their company makes, poor people, old people, and sick people are dragging down the bottom line.

So why should we be surprised that they want kids thrown in the workforce sooner and for longer? We mean come on, they're just little parasites, living off mom and dad, and we've already pretty much sucked mom and dad dry. Besides, their schools are either going to go bankrupt or change to pay as you go pretty soon anyway, so why not?

Supporters said the new law helps businesses looking for youthful help, and also helps teenagers who need the money.

Darn straight. Kids are great. You can pay them illegal immigrant wages, and not worry about ICE showing up on your doorstep. Plus they're still on their parents insurance--well if their parents have insurance that is--so there's none of that pesky benefits stuff that seems so important to adult workers. It's win win man!

Well, unless you're poor, old, sick or young, but hey, omelet eggs, you know?

Maybe You Can Get Some Of Your Money Back If You Sell The John Jay Report On eBay

Hey, as long as we're talking about people who hate the sin but love the sinner--just before kicking them out of the house that is--let's go see what popey has been up to lately. You may recall that when last we visited NAMBLA Headquarters the Vatican, his Pradaness had been lamenting the 70's because it turned a lot of his peeps into pervs. Before that the problem was fluoridation we think. Not quite sure because the report is written in Latin.

Anyway, that was then and this is now, so oh benevolent wearer of the drapes, what's the haps?

The latest sex abuse case to rock the Catholic Church is unfolding in the archdiocese of an influential Italian Cardinal, who has been working with Pope Benedict XVI on reforms to respond to prior scandals of pedophile priests.

Oh now that's what we're talking about. You want something done, do it yourself, right Bene? You got some Starsky and Hutch action going on now don't you? Well, Cardinal Starsky, and His Holiness Hutch. Point is, your new proactive Office Of Laying The Holy Smite Upside You Perverts' Heads has been doing some investigating. Did you visit the diocese disguised as a Lutheran? Was Cardinal Starsky undercover? Um...we mean incognito. We know how sensitive you are to...ah...imprecise language. So anyway, did you pop the perv? Bust the boinker?

Father Riccardo Seppia, a 51 year-old parish priest in the village of Sastri Ponente, near Genoa, was arrested last Friday on pedophilia and drugs charges. Investigators say that in tapped mobile phone conversations Seppia asked a Moroccan drug dealer to arrange sexual encounters with young and vulnerable boys. "I do not want 16-year-old boys, but younger. Fourteen-year-olds are OK. Look for needy boys, who have family issues," he allegedly said.

Aw, hail no! Not in Angelo's house! Not right there in the very diocese of  Genoa Archbishop Angelo Bagnasco, who is also head of the Italian Bishops Conference, and had been working with Benedict to establish a tough new worldwide policy released this week on how bishops should handle accusations of priestly sex abuse without actually, you know, involving law enforcement or anything. Bishop Bagnasco? We bet you personally busted down little Ricky's door and held him down while the Federales cuffed up his choirboy boinking behind, right?

Bagnasco said when he met the Pope this weekend he "asked for a particular blessing for my archdiocese."

Oh. Well...um...that's good too.

Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi praised Bagnasco's handling of the Sastri Ponente case, lauding its "timeliness and competence." On Saturday, the Cardinal also visited the Santo Spirito Church where Seppia was the parish priest.

OK, let's get this straight. The police suspected this guy, collected evidence over a period of years, and finally had enough for a case so they busted him. You woke the pope up from his nap to ask him to mumble a few extra Latin phrases after his afternoon massage, then went down to the church to say hey to the victims, is that about right? Padre, far be it from us to tell you how to do your job and all, but it seems you're setting the "timeliness and competence" bar a tad low.

According to investigators, Seppia told a friend -- a former seminarian and barman who is currently under investigation -- that the town's malls were the best places to entice minors.

Pervs hang out at the malls. Who knew? The important thing here though, for all of you who think you might be getting a call from god to join the priesthood, is that if you don't make it god's fallback position is bar-tending. Yahweh has your back man, always.

Seppia's defense lawyers are expected to argue that those conversations - monitored since Oct. 20, 2010 - were just words, sex games that were played by adults. It was just a game even when he claimed to have "kissed on the mouth" a 15-year-old altar boy, according to the defense.

Fifty one year old dude kissing a 15 year old boy on the mouth is a game? Um...ew? Didn't anybody ever tell this guy about Monopoly? Trivial Pursuit? Heck even Chutes and Ladders would beat having some old cassock slobbering all over you and then going, "OK your turn."

Hey wait a minute. If Father Fellatio is 51, that means he would have been born in 1960, which means he would have been a kid in the 70's and probably wouldn't have gone into the seminary until the decade was almost over.

Crap. And after popey paid all that good money to those nice folks John Jay College of Criminal Justice to get the holy buttocks off the hot seat, the first perv out of the gate goes and bollixes the whole thing up. Bene, you need to talk to the boss. We mean, come on big G, work with us here will ya? Every time His Holiness the Hatmaster comes up with a reason to dump the pervs in someone else's lap, you come along and throw mud on his vestments. It's almost like you're trying to tell us something.

And There Shall Come Amongst You A Damon. And He Shall Demand You Follow The Law. Kick His Scrawny White Backside Out Of Town. Thus Sayeth The Lord.

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the right way to peel a banana, because god built it backwards...er...we mean know that we occasionally like to throw a verbal brickbat or two in the general direction of our more religious friends, particularly when the voices in their heads--or on their tee vees and radios--cause them to do something particularly wacky.

To be fair though, we like to keep an open mind about these matters. Oh we still think they're all delusional and whatnot, what with believing in magic people in the sky who, in spite of all the wonders and mysteries in the universe as all powerful, infinite, timeless beings they're most interested in stopping gays from getting married. Now that's a strong argument for increased funding of community mental health services right there. No, what we mean by an open mind is that we're still willing to believe that some of these folks are relatively harmless and could pretty much be ignored without too much damage to the social fabric.

So when we run across a story like this we're all like here's an opportunity for the godly among us to take the high road, to say they have the courage of their convictions and aren't going to be panicked by some young person's attempt to find his own identity. They're going to take this opportunity to show the world they don't wear their religion on their sleeves because their faith is so shallow even the slightest hint of doubt expressed by anyone can send them into paroxysms of intolerance, bigotry and hatred.

In fact, they're going to take this opportunity to support this young man, even if they disagree with him, because that's the American way, and after all, here is a young man sticking to his values, which adults are always telling young people to do; resisting peer pressure, which adults are always telling young people to do; and obeying the law, which adults are always telling young people to do.

Yeah. It could have gone that way. Then we realized we're dealing with christians here.

Damon Fowler, an atheist student at Bastrop High School in Louisiana, was about to graduate. His public school was planning to have a prayer as part of the graduation ceremony: as they traditionally did, as so many public schools around the country do every year. But Fowler -- knowing that government-sponsored prayer in the public schools is unconstitutional and legally forbidden -- contacted the school superintendent to let him know that he opposed the prayer, and would be contacting the ACLU if it happened.

 You kind of know where this is going don't you?

Then Fowler's name, and his role in this incident, was leaked. As a direct result:

1) Fowler has been hounded, pilloried, and ostracized by his community.

2) One of Fowler's teachers has publicly demeaned him.

3) Fowler has been physically threatened. Students have threatened to "jump him" at graduation practice, and he has received multiple threats of bodily harm, and even death threats.

4) Fowler's parents have cut off his financial support, kicked him out of the house, and thrown his belongings onto the front porch.

 Well, in the community's defense, they were just following biblical precepts. After all, Matthew 5:44 instructs us to hound, bully, ostracize, demean and threaten anyone who has the temerity not to STFD and STFU when christians want to mumbo their jumbo in public.

And as for the kid's very own parents throwing him out, come on. You have to admit that it's a bit of an embarrassment when your kid turns out to be some kid of free thinking, rationalist devil boy. We mean, how is mom ever going to face the ladies at the church social committee? And dad's campaign to be a deacon? Forget it.

Now, you might think, what with this kid having been totally abandoned by his community and his parents, he might have some pretty serious issues right about now and really need some place where he can get some support and guidance. And you'd be right. That's why schools provide guidance counselors to help students through times of emotional turmoil, right Mitzi Quinn, who has been on the staff at BHS for almost 25 years, much of that time as a senior advisor?

Throughout her time working with the student, Quinn said they (sic) never expressed their personal beliefs or that they had any problems with other students' Christian faiths. "And what's even more sad is this is a student who really hasn't contributed anything to graduation or to their classmates," Quinn said.

Well, all righty then. Ms. Quinn, we're thinking you could brush up on your empathy skills just a tad there, if you don't mind.

Fortunately, Damon isn't entirely alone. His brother Jerrett is bringing Damon into his own home in Texas, and will help put him through college. And Damon is fortunate enough to have the backing of the atheist community, who are providing encouragement, emotional support, practical assistance, and even a scholarship fund.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, there Sparky. Just a fire and brimstone minute. You mean to tell us the heathens  have taken this boy in? The heathens have shown mercy towards him, given him support and made him feel part of a community? Don't they understand that this kid is an outcast? A pariah? Ah, of course they don't. They're not familiar with the teaching of Jesus like christians are. Jesus knows how to treat outcasts, Right Matthew?

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the true gift of experience is disillusionment...er...we mean know that when it comes to monitoring the overlords' attempts to avoid actually working for a living our reach is worldwide.  OK, Google's reach is worldwide. We merely type in "soulless wastes of protoplasm" while sipping an adult beverage and listening to John Prine tell us to blow up our tee vee and Viola! the intertoobz spew forth story after story about the cruel and barbaric exploitation of innocent living creatures for profit...uh...we mean greyhound racing.

One in particular caught our eye this week concerning an attempt by the rubes to maintain their ability to lose the rent money two dollars at a time in spite of the fact that the track where they did that had succumbed long ago, a victim of economic realities and the growth of community mental health facilities. To our credit we must say that the crack investigative reporting team here at IM Central has been on this story from the very beginning because we know timely reporting and insightful analysis are what you, our readers have come to expect from this blog. Actually, now that we think about it, if you're reading this blog, timely reporting and insightful analysis is probably the last thing you expect, but we don't have a fart joke handy, so on with our story:


It's understood businessman Bob Morton has repeated a £9 million bid to London and Quadrant (L&Q) to buy Walthamstow Stadium, and reintroduce greyhound racing at the famous East London venue. "The track has been closed since 2008, so we figure that's enough time for people to forget what a losing proposition greyhound racing is, and what a deleterious effect it has on the local neighborhood," said a spokesperson for Morton.

The offer follows months of wrangling and uncertainty over the future of the site after L&Q bought the site for a reported £18million. When asked how they could expect L&Q to accept an offer that was half of what they originally paid for the property, Iain Duncan Smith - MP  for Chingford and Woodford Green said, "Do you know what a greyhound track does to property values? They're lucky we aren't making them pay us to take the thing back."

L&Q wants to build around 300 new homes on the site, a modern leisure centre, children’s nursery, allotments and new jobs to meet the needs of local people. Bob Morton wants to reintroduce greyhound racing and provide affordable housing. He has also offered to work with L&Q on providing a mix of affordable housing with a greyhound racing track. When asked how he was going to reopen the track and provide affordable house on land that previously just held the track, Morton replied that "trailers don't take up much room."

Morton also pledged full support to the borough with millions of pounds of private investment creating 1,500 jobs and a sustainable night-time economy." When asked what he meant by "night-time economy," he replied, "Well, you know, hookers and drug dealers and such. The normal jobs created as a result of having a track in the neighborhood."

Yeah, well, we're not quite sure that's what the folks living in the area had in mind by economic development. What do you think Jack?

Jack is very friendly and outgoing. He is playful, but calms quickly and is very gentle with people. He is a bit skittish around strange new sounds. He loves to be around people. He follows his foster family all around the house. He will lean against you for attention. He loves to play with toys and he will fetch. He will pounce on the toy like a cat would. He is a big boy who doesn’t seem to understand his own size. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program.  Jack would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 12 and up. He would do best as the only dog in the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

OK You Won't Debate? How About A Spell Down?

We're coming to you today from the Forensics Department here at the Ironicus Maximus School for Linguistic Street Fightin', Rhetorical Combat and What To Say When  Yo Momma Isn't Enough. It seems some uppity young Miss from New Jersey (no, not Snooki) has risen up to challenge one of the most preeminent Constitutional scholars in the United States today: Michele Bachmann.

Ann Myers challenged the tea party favorite in a letter dated April 29.

Now, our first thought was this gives a whole new meaning to girl on girl action, but it turned out this girl wants to debate Bachmann, not go two out of three in a jello wrestling match. OK, thinks us, that could be mildly entertaining in a C-SPAN 2 sort of way--especially if it's an insomnia night and we've already seen the World's Dumbest Yogurt Makers 47 rerun on Tru-TV.

It seems, however, that before the distaff version of Lincoln Douglas can commence, some...um...details need to be worked out.

After it started getting media attention last weekend, commenters on tea party websites have threatened to publish her home address and some have threatened violence. The 16-year-old from Cherry Hill says several commenters have called her a "whore."Her father, Wayne, says he's concerned for his daughter's safety.

This is a common misconception of reporters who don't understand the dynamics of debate when dealing with graduates of the Tea Party School of Talkin Is Better Than Writin' Cause There Ain't No Spellin'.  If you went to school beyond the third grade you were probably taught that the three elements of argument were logos, pathos and ethos, which is apparently the misinformation that caused young Ann to issue her challenge.

Had she done even the most cursory type of research though, she would have learned that for the Hoverround set, the principles of argument are volume, violence and firearms, but the discrepancy is moot because Bachmann has applied the Tea Party's argumentative coup de grâce, the linguistic Crane kick, the rhetorical Waterloo.

Bachmann's office told The Courier-Post of Cherry Hill that it won't respond to the debate challenge.

Bam! How you like debate now little Annie? Sorry you had to learn about that the hard way, but if you run with the big dogs you better bring your A game 'cause they'll rain on your parade like ants at a picnic.

Or something. Anyway the point is maybe you should stick to topics more in your skill-set like Bieber: The New McCartney? and leave sophisticated political debate to those with the verbal chops to handle it. Sarah Palin comes to mind.

Friday Hound Blogging

Well it looks like this is going to be the last FHB what with the world ending tomorrow and all. And if you're an overlord you're probably thinking not a moment too soon. We mean, look at the year they were having. The Florida legislature came within a hair's breadth of cutting greyhound racing loose to stand on its own in the free market. We all know how that would have turned out.

VictoryLand greyhound park in Shorter, which also operated a hotel and casino facilities until recently, has announced that it will run its final greyhound race this weekend, track spokesperson Bill Cunningham said Tuesday.“The only viable way to keep the live greyhound racing was to have electronic bingo,” he said.

Now that's an owie. The problem is Florida wasn't the only state to recognize that when the overlords said exciting sport, they meant heartless exploitation of innocent creatures for profit and it was not the economic powerhouse they made it out to be. Even with massive subsidies from the states involved. So in Iowa a similar bill has been bumping around the legislature, and also in Arizona, although since there is only one track there it's sort of a race to see if the bill passes before the track goes belly up on its own.

And that's another problem for the overlords. Sure the bills didn't pass this year, but you know they would have been back on the docket the next year, and the year after that if necessary until they finally passed. And even in states where there was no bill, the overlords were taking heat from the citizenry.  So it's really for the best that the big JC is going to hit the reboot button tomorrow because as far as the overlords were concerned, a world where you can't suck a meager existence off the backs of the oldest breed of dogs known is really not worth living--especially if to go on living meant having to do something unimaginable, like get a real job, right Bugsy?

Bugsy is friendly, lively, sweet, and affectionate. She likes to be near her family and will whine if they are not very close by. She chatters a lot with her teeth. She plays with toys. She loves to be outside. She is very gentle; when you pet her and stop she takes her paw and pulls your hand back toward herself. She likes to bury her face in the blanket. She has a great spirit for a dog her age. She has an endearing overbite, but it doesn’t bother her. She loves her food and her treats and does a little dance when she is fed. She talks to her foster mom when she wants something. She’s got beautiful ears that stick straight up. She wants to be near the family. She knows “up”, “wait” and “stay”. She also knows “eat”, “cookie” and “walk”. Bugsy would do best with someone who wants a playful active dog. A home with someone who will play fetch or anyone who wants to spend time with playful dog games to keep her from getting board. She would be happiest in a home with another large-breed dog to keep her company. She needs to be exercised regularly to keep strength in her hind end. She would be best with well-mannered older children, 12 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

You Think It's Hard For Jews To Get Into Heaven? Try Being A Scientist

We're coming to you today from the Department of Redundancy Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DORD is a division of the Corporation for the Preservation of Perseveration in partnership with This Is Where We Came In, NA.

It seems popey is back with reason 4,268 why you should get off his back 'cause the peeps was boinking the choirboys. And in what can only be called a master stroke of moral consistency, it's pretty much the same as reason 4, 267.

A five-year study commissioned by the nation’s Roman Catholic bishops to provide a definitive answer to what caused the church’s sexual abuse crisis has concluded that neither the all-male celibate priesthood nor homosexuality were to blame.

 Aw, now see that's just disappointing right there. You pay good money for a study that's designed to get you off the hot seat for having a boatload of pervs in your employ and find out you can't blame the homos, even a little.

Instead, the report says, the abuse occurred because priests who were poorly prepared and monitored, and were under stress, landed amid the social and sexual turmoil of the 1960s and ’70s.

 OK, let's get this straight. The pope's posse walked out into a society full of Make Love not War, Farrah Fawcett posters, and (shudder) Disco and decided the best way to cope with that was to schlep the holy rod of righteousness to the prepubescent members of the congregation? Is that what you're going with? Did you even notice that half the female parishioners came to services...erm...unsupported? What are you saying? All those unfettered boobies scared the cassocks back into the sacristy where instead of offering up a few hail Marys and our fathers from the fainting couch they played pet the one eyed snake with 12 year olds? Is that really the take away here?

The “blame Woodstock” explanation has been floated by bishops since the church was engulfed by scandal in the United States in 2002 and by Pope Benedict XVI after it erupted in Europe in 2010. But this study is likely to be regarded as the most authoritative analysis of the scandal in the Catholic Church in America. The study, initiated in 2006, was conducted by a team of researchers at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York City at a cost of $1.8 million. About half was provided by the bishops, with additional money contributed by Catholic organizations and foundations. The National Institute of Justice, the research agency of the United States Department of Justice, supplied about $280,000.

Well, that settles it then.  This isn't about the Draped One looking for a way out of facing up to the fact that he totally misunderstood what the boss meant when he said suffer the children to come unto me--not to mention the serious rendering unto Caesar and Caesar's lawyers, no sirree mister, this is science. Science, man with a capital S!

The researchers concluded that it was not possible for the church, or for anyone, to identify abusive priests in advance. Priests who abused minors have no particular “psychological characteristics,” “developmental histories” or mood disorders that distinguished them from priests who had not abused, the researchers found.

Right on mister scientist sir. So when the police say child molesters are often an adult males who prefer children in a specific age group and may seek employment or volunteer with programs involving children of the age of their preference, they're just making stuff up because what? They're Lutherans?

In one of the most counterintuitive findings, the report says that fewer than 5 percent of the abusive priests exhibited behavior consistent with pedophilia, which it defines as a “psychiatric disorder that is characterized by recurrent fantasies, urges and behaviors about prepubescent children. “Thus, it is inaccurate to refer to abusers as ‘pedophile priests,’ ” the report says.

Right. Let's call them really friendly guys who like to keep little kids warm by rubbing up against them. Sure it doesn't trip off the tongue as easily as pervert, but we don't want to malign anyone's character unnecessarily.

That finding is likely to prove controversial, in part because the report employs a definition of “prepubescent” children as those age 10 and under. Using this cutoff, the report found that only 22 percent of the priests’ victims were prepubescent. The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders classifies a prepubescent child as generally age 13 or younger. If the John Jay researchers had used that cutoff, a vast majority of the abusers’ victims would have been considered prepubescent.

Oh. OK, well back to pervert then. This science stuff gets complicated. You following all this your Pradaness?

While accepting responsibility for the scandal, Benedict said the abuse must also be seen in the broader social context, in which child pornography and sexual tourism are rampant, and where as recently as the 1970s pedophilia wasn't considered the absolute evil that it is today.

You tell 'em Bene. Why, just look at any organization that was around in the 60's and 70's and you'll find pervs coming out of the woodwork, right scientist guys the church just paid a boatload of money to?

Because there are no comparable studies conducted by other institutions, religious or secular, the report says, “It is impossible to accurately compare the rate of sexual abuse within the Catholic Church to rates of abuse in other organizations.”

 See? There you are, just look at...wait, what? This is what the church gets for it's 1.8 mil? OK, we're going to need to talk to a supervisor about your refund policy.