Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Mormons! Motto: Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go To Heaven

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that the highway of life is littered with the road kill of expectations...erm...we mean know that we were once part of Peter's Posse, or as they like to say in Rome, Catholics! Motto: Modo cognito quid prosit rebus tuis.

We use the past tense because quite some years ago we turned in our official rosary and supply of Know Your Saints trading cards. Of course we knew at the time that, like it's national doppelganger, the mafia, you can never really quit the church catholic. See, once you get the holy dunking from a priest when you're baptized, you're in and there's nothing you can do to get out. Well, your soul anyway. You can take your body down to the nearest Creflo Dollar revival and roll all over the floor shouting for Jesus to come and save your sinning buttocks, but the big G still holds the paper on your afterlife. OK, so we can live with that. We mean, it's not like the draft or anything where you're suddenly going to find yourself at altar boy boot camp with a drill bishop shouting "Stercorem pro cerebro habes!" in your face at 5:00 a.m..

So we pretty much made our exit from the church. The nightmares have stopped and the twitches are more or less controllable now. Although in moments of great excitement we still do occasionally shout Hui Excrementum! We've gotten on with our lives for the most part however, having learned that it is best to steer clear of all people who start a conversation with the phrase, "God spoke to me..." But now we find out that having our immortal after parts stuck in La Cosa Catholic whether we want to be or not is the least of our troubles because the Mormon church can convert you to their team after you're dead!

Does pope Bene know about this? We mean, dude's been busting his drape covered booty to get pope Paul on the All Saints Travel Team and now it turns out Pauly could be playing for the Saints all right, the Latter Day Saints.

Now this raises some serious theological issues. What if the mormons decided to turn Jesus into a mormon? The guy's dead, right? He qualifies. Do all the rest of the churches have to throw in the towel and say, "All right, you got us. Your conversion technique cannot be defeated."

But what if it can be defeated? Come on, if mormons can turn catholics into mormons, why can't catholics turn mormons into catholics? What's involved here anyway? Did the mormons stumble onto some secret da Vinci code or something? Wait, there weren't any mormons in da Vinci's time. OK aliens, how about some kind of alien technology? No, that the scientologists. Hey, could the mormons make an alien a mormon?

Never mind. And how do dead people, who may have spent their entire lives thinking they were methodists, or presbyterians, or whatever know they are mormons now? Does god send a cherub to their house in heaven with a set of funny underwear? Is there some sort of probationary period, or is it like baptism? Do you get a choice? We mean, they made Jack Ruby and Lee Harvey Oswald mormons. We're thinking that can't work out well.



scripto said...

Impressive. All I remember from two years of Latin is something about one hand washing a labia.

Pearl said...

I have an ex-mormon in my attic (which is not, despite it sounding so, code for anything else). She's informed me of all kinds of interesting tidbits, from the planet you get when you die to the "garment" worn by the women (under the clothes).

Takes all kinds, dudden it?


Seeing Eye Chick said...

Year ago there was a big stink about Mormons converting Jews post mortem. The Jews were not amused.

[hey they rhymes!]