We'd Have A Fireside Chat, But Homeless Bankers Stole The Firewood

President George W. Bush warned that the United States was in the middle of a serious financial crisis that could push the economy into a long-term recession if the government did not act to ensure that the nation would be pushed into a cataclysmic depression instead. When asked what his first clue that the economy was in trouble was, the president replied that Cheney was refusing to return from his overseas trip to Europe. "I knew something was up when I called his undisclosed location and was told he was at another undisclosed location, Bush said.

In a televised address aimed at persuading the public to support a $700 billion financial bailout ultimatum to Congress, Bush said his "natural instinct" was to ignore problems until his dad solved them, but "Poppy hasn't been returning my phone calls."

"I believe companies that make bad decisions should be allowed to go out of business," Bush said. "Unless of course they're companies I'm running. That's where the Saudis come in."

Bush cited markets that were not functioning properly, a widespread loss of confidence and major financial sectors at risk of shutting down. More financial distress could lead more banks to fail, the stock market to drop further, businesses to close, job losses and home values to drop, Bush said. "Now, for me that's just another day at the office, but my advisers tell me the American people aren't used to failure on that scale," he added.

Less than two hours before the speech, Bush telephoned Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama and invited him to the White House for a meeting with congressional leaders and Republican nominee John McCain on the financial bailout package. Obama accepted and McCain had already said he would abandon his campaign and return to Washington to help work on the bailout. "It's not like I'm getting anywhere convincing voters I'm not a drooling pervert using the campaign to try and cope a feel on a woman young enough to be my great granddaughter," McCain said.

Later his office issued a clarification that his campaign was temporarily suspended, not abandoned. Except for the parts that weren't.

The Bush administration and Congress have been trying to hammer out an agreement on a plan that would allow the government to step in and take bags of financial crap from shaky Wall Street firms to dump on American taxpayers, thus reducing the possibility that "Financial Experts" would have to pay for having all the professional judgement of a bag of peat moss.

The unprecedented bailout has met skepticism and anger from lawmakers who argue that the administration's proposal should not just be rubber-stamped. But they have also avoided suggesting they would block the plan for fear of spooking the markets. "The last thing we need is for people to lose faith in the markets," said Senator Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader. "Oh wait, that's what this crisis is all about isn't it? I've got to start paying more attention at meetings."