BREAKING: God Becomes Free Agent; Contract Not Picked Up By Pope

Ruh Ro. This can't be good.

Three Christian denominations have each claimed credit for what they say is divine intervention in the survival – and expected imminent rescue – of the 33 men who have spent 67 days beneath the earth.

Well, on the bright side at least they're all christians, so that means the right god is involved which makes it a sort of inter-conference thing we guess.

"God has spoken to me clearly and guided my hand each step of the rescue," said Carlos Parra Diaz, a Seventh-day Adventist pastor at the San Jose mine. "He wanted the miners to be rescued and I am His instrument."

Yeah...um...no offense or anything pastor Diaz, but when god was clearly speaking to you did he mention that digging the miners out by hand probably wasn't the best way to go, and as far as an instrument, well, see we got these things called drills and you know, your arm probably wasn't long enough to reach all the way down to where the miners were anyway, but good effort there padre.

Yards from where he spoke Caspar Quintana, the Catholic bishop of Copiapo, prepared an altar to celebrate an outdoor mass for a small congregation of miners' relatives and phalanx of TV cameras. "God has heard our prayers," said the bishop. "I have received comments of encouragement from all over the world. Let us give thanks."

Now, normally in a situation like this we'd have to give it to the catholics because they've got the corner on miracles and stuff since Peter put the holy beat down on old Simon Magus back in the day, but like the reporter says, a "small congregation of miners' relatives and phalanx of TV cameras" means you're probably just trying to get in the news for something other than doinking the choirboys, so nice try there Caspar.

A little bit further up the hill of Camp Hope, the improvised settlement of miners' families, rescuers, government officials and media, an evangelical preacher, Javier Soto  wandered from family to family with a guitar and songs of praise. "He listens to the music," said the pastor, gesturing to the azure sky.

 Oh for...what is it with these evangelicals anyway? Come on pastor Soto, god doesn't have time to be jammin'. There's miners to be saved, plus the little matter of running the entire universe past present and future! Besides, the guy is master of all he surveys, don't you think someone like that could afford his own ipod shuffle? And you're acoustic. Ask bishop Quintana what god thinks of guitar masses sometime, will you?

Diaz, an intense 42-year-old dressed in black, claimed to be the first cleric at the mine and said it was no coincidence an exploration probe reached the trapped men.

And they laughed at you when you bought that police scanner. Well, who's laughing now slowpokes?. Snooze you lose. It's right there in the bible. Ask them dudes that chased Moses and his posse across the Red Sea.

Diaz stole a march over his rivals by obtaining permission to give a 10-minute talk to the assembled 33 families before their nightly briefing by government officials. "I do macro work. I am pastor to all." The other churches, he said, did "micro" work.

Hey pal, never make fun of the size of a catholic's...erm...work.

The pastor claimed his Catholic rival had trekked up to the bleak, muddy site just three or four times. Bishop Quintana declined to be drawn on the subject of competition but said he had received supportive emails from all over the world. "What matters is that God is acting through human ingenuity to rescue these men."

Oh snap! You get that? "Human ingenuity!"  Trying to get the miners out by hand? That's not ingenuity we can believe in. Stick that in your macro Diaz!

Shrines to the men dotted around the site are adorned with statues of saints and posters of religious figures such as Pope John Paul II.

OK, so we'll never know  whose team god was playing on down there, but one thing is for certain--you can't beat the catholics at product distribution.