Thursday, April 19, 2007

Don't Make The President Lock Himself In The Bathroom Again

We're coming to you today from the Chicken/Roost Re-homing department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Right now we're out on the south portico watching said chickens coming down the road and heading roostward.

And what is the destination of this little metaphorical jaunt you ask? Only this. Oh, and this. We're betting it's not exactly what the president had in mind when he said "Bring it on."

During an hour long meeting at the White House, after which the president had to take a nap. Bush told lawmakers directly he will not sign any bill that includes a timetable ending his war, and they made it clear Congress will send him one anyway. At that point the president ordered that beans be brought into the oval office and he threatened to shove them up his nose unless the democrats took the timetables out of the bill.

Several officials said the session was polite. But they said it turned pointed when Senator Reid recounted a conversation with generals who likened Iraq to Vietnam and described it as a war in which the president refused to change course despite knowing victory was impossible. Bush bristled at the comparison, according to several officials, who spoke on condition of anonymity because the meeting was private. One quoted him as saying, "I reject" the comparison. "Of course I reject global warming, evolution, book learnin', and uppity wimmin, so what do I know," the president continued.

Reid made it clear to the President that he understood that after the veto the Vice President would come after him and Speaker Pelosi. "We're pretty sure Cheney's a cyborg," Reid told the president. We recently hired Vic Stone as chief of security for Congress and feel confident Mr. Cheney's influence on that body can be neutralized."

Reid said that he and Pelosi would respond aggressively by interdicting the president's weekly deliveries of chocolate milk. He said he was convinced that they were on the right side of the issue. "Respect Ma Athorata!" Reid is said to have told the president.

At one point, according to officials familiar with the meeting, Senator Dick Durbin, D - Not Getting It, said Democrats had no intention of leaving the troops without funds and noted that gives Bush enormous leverage to bend Congress to his will. He said he hoped some sort of accommodation could be worked out. "Now that's my kind of democrat," the president said. What's an 'accommodation' anyway? Is that where I get what I want?"

Several officials said the president and congressional leaders spent considerable time puffing out their chests at one another, except for Speaker Pelosi who was prevented form puffing out her chest due to federal anti-discrimination regulations.

Outside the White House, Republicans said there was no hope Bush would sign a bill resembling the Democrats' legislation. House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio said nothing had changed as a result of the meeting. "The real issue ... is whether we're going to agree to a surrender date, and that's not going to happen," he said. "I say as long as no one I know has to go, we never surrender."

Dana Perino, Deputy White House Press Secretart, said, "It appears that they are determined to send a bill to the president that he won't accept. The president has consistently made clear his position on reality. When it doesn't agree with him, he refuses to accept it. You'd think the democrats would know that by now."

"We came here in a spirit of hope, (phffft!) recognizing that this is a historic opportunity (fffittt!) for the executive branch, the president and the Congress to HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh forget it. We came here to see if the rumors were true that the president actually wore his footie pajamas to work," said Pelosi.

No comments: