Friday, November 18, 2011

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the We Couldn't Have Said It Any Better, Except We'd Never Say Anything That Stupid Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. WCHSIABEWNSATS is a division of the Know Your Audience Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Note To Self, Breathe, NA.

Every once in a while some overlord's brain fires on most synapses for a minute or two and it occurs to them that if their brethren and sisteren are as stupid as they are, there may be a way to take advantage of that. The "advantage" usually takes the form of "Hot Tips," or "Betting secrets of the rich and famous," or "How I made enough at the dog track to afford glass in the windows of my trailer," which, for a nominal sum our occasionally lucid master prognosticator will unleash upon the great unwashed.

Which brings us to Joe, who in spite of his rather simple moniker, is a whiz at eyeballing a winning dog, and because Joe is the type of person he is, will now share the secret to riches and fame at the dog track with those of you for whom cat food is a gustatory step up. Take it away Joe.
The simplest way to bet on greyhound racing is to back a dog to win. Pick one of the six runners and just tell the Tote how much you want to put on. It’s as simple as that.
There you have it ladies and gentlemen, wisdom of the ages laid bare before you. In order to win at the dog track all you have to do it bet on the dog that wins the race. As our Sensei Joe opines, "It's that simple."
You can also back a dog to finish in the top two (called a place bet) but the odds will be much shorter.
Life is truly a wondrous myriad of choices is it not?  You can bet on a dog to not win, but if you do, you won't get as much money because...and here we can forgive our racetrack Sherpa Joe for slipping into technical jargon and say it simply as he would wish--the dog didn't win.
But there are other ways to improve your odds and boost your potential returns. The first of these is called a forecast and it involves picking the winner and the runner-up.
 Do you see now why Joe has made it his life mission to guide us through this labyrinth of options and possibilities? How much more exciting and meaningful is it to "forecast" which dog will win and which dog will not, than only to pick the dog that will win, or pick the dog that will not win? Sweet Jebus and a sugar cone, is there no limit to this man's perspicuity?
If you are feeling really adventurous, you can go for what’s called a trio. This is very similar to a forecast but you select the top three dogs.
No! How can this be? A third option? Joe, our cup truly runneth over. Why, it's almost like you could bet on any dog you wanted.
Don’t worry if you don’t know one end of a dog from another, the Tote offers a quickpick function like the Lotto to help you hit that particular jackpot.
Oh now you've gone too far Joe. It's like you grabbed us as we walked by the track and started stuffing money in our pockets. The Lotto? It's like the Lotto?  Who hasn't hit the Lotto. It's like they're giving away free money huh Larry?

Larry has a puppy-like, affectionate personality and craves attention. He loves to play with toys and go for walks. He is a very bright boy and will be able to learn basic commands with ease. He gets along well with his foster family and the other Greyhounds and cats in the home. Would do well as an only dog as he is very assertive for attention.  He does fine in the crate. He has not had any exposure to children. He has an allergy issue so he will need someone willing to deal with this issue and administer medication. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

1 comment:

Nancy said...

That is brilliant. Perhpas old Joe needs to find a job. Wonderful!