Dear Governor Brownback...

We have recently been made aware of your traumatic experience at the hands of Emma Sullivan, whom to all outward appearances seems to be a high school senior, but is apparently a weapons grade Twitter Terrorist. Now, as educational technicians we should tell you that we have on more than on occasion suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous diction from certain elements of the teen aged population and thus our advice comes from a wealth of experience. To wit:

Grow a pair.

See, young people, particularly young people with 140 characters tend not to be overly explanatory in their critiques of various policies and positions, so instead of "I find Governor Brownback's policies to be regressive, ill conceived and patently unfair, more than likely resulting in the exact opposite outcome to that which he intends," you get "Dude blows." Now, while this particular expression may be lacking in nuance, it succinctly contains the author's studied conclusion vis-a-vis your leadership of the state, and since--as we understand it--this particular interpretation of your administration was broadcast to a grand total of 60 people, well, as our old daddy used to say, we feel for you...but we just can't reach you.

Now, you may plead ignorance to the whole thing and say it was your director of communications Sherienne Jones-Sontag, who responded to the Tweet as part of routine media monitoring, but that just makes it seem like you're the type of guy that lets other people fight his battles. Pretty lame Mr. Governor sir, pretty lame. And if you're so concerned about what the media are saying about you that you routinely monitor it clear down to tweets from teenagers, why not just have a contest where you give away something to people who "like" your Facebook page. You'll get plenty of friends that way.

See, here's the thing about insults from teenagers: They have a very short shelf life. It's sort of like you're walking down the street and a car full of kids goes by. One of the occupants recognizes you, rolls down the window and shouts some appropriately inappropriate comment like "Neanderthal," or "Hey Brownie, evolve this!" and almost before you register the comment the carload of now giggling post-pubescents is around the corner and gone, their contribution to political discourse fading away on the breeze, their attention now focused on some new shiny thing because Governor Brownback here's the truth: Teenagers are natural existentialists who emphasize the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent universe. That hostile or indifferent universe thing, Governor? That would be you.

So you violated the first rule of responding to high school insults which is, don't respond to high school insults, and by so doing, we are sorry to say Mr. Governor sir, you have validated the comment because only someone who truly blows would put up such a fuss over being informed of the obvious. Not only that, but you've managed to drag poor Principal Karl R. Krawitz into the mess causing him to forget the first thing they teach you in teacher school, namely, don't make a rule you can't enforce.

This is well and truly a mess Governor and there is only one way out of it now, which is to punish the snot out of this little girl, thus proving to yourself that you are an upstanding man of principle who demands the respect that he has earned, and showing everyone else that Emma pretty much got it right.  

Your friend,
Ironicus Maximus


PS: As for you Principal Krawitz, given the speed with which you abandoned Emma and rushed to jam your nose up Brownback's butt we pretty much figure you don't have much credibility left to lose, so do what you want, Emma's already learned a valuable lesson from you about adults and trust. 

UPDATE:  Brownback engages in rhetorical ju jitsu, apologizes to Emma. Well played, sir, well played. Krawitz last seen crying in boy's locker room.

Friday Hound Blogging

We're having a little trouble rousing ourselves from the tryptophan induced coma we entered yesterday, so we may not be understanding this completely, but it seems the overlords are starting a tee vee network to broadcast unit exploitation...erm...greyhound racing into every home and hearth with an antenna.

RACING POST is delighted to announce the return of live greyhound racing into homes across the UK and Ireland from mid-December, with the launch of a new three-times-a-week programme.

 OK, now we're not marketing experts or anything, but it seems like you folks have enough trouble convincing people with souls that putting innocent dogs in danger of injury and death so you don't have to get your feet wet in the labor pool  is a valid career choice for someone who is supposedly a member of the human race. You sure you want to show them stuff like this, and this, and this, not to mention this? Not likely to bring people to the track in droves, unless it's with pitchforks and torches. Just saying.

Kevan Moretti, Racing Post’s head of business-to-business services and executive producer for the new programme, commented: “This is a terrific opportunity to help re-energise greyhound racing, and help popularise greyhound ownership.

Well, you might have a point there about popularizing greyhound ownership. When actual human beings see what other supposed human beings are doing to innocent animals for the express purpose of sucking a few bucks off them, they're likely to say, Holy Crap! We have to get those dogs out of there before those heartless bags of wasted protein can hurt any more. That could work.

Hey Beta, ever hear of the law of unintended consequences?

This very playful and affectionate girl will lay her head on your lap and puts her nose in your face to let you know she wants snuggle time. She rolls on her back to have her belly scratched. She loves to be chased around outside. She can be a bit shy at first with new people and situations but gets past it quickly. Hag Beta Girl is also very sociable with other dogs. Hag Beta Girl would do fine in a home with older children. She has had no exposure to children under 12. She is fine with dogs of all sizes. She would probably due well as an only dog as she craves lots of human attention. She does well in her crate so would be fine in a working family. She is a bit shy of men at first but warms up to them quickly. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

What Are You Thankful For, Amerika?

BREAKING: Fox Viewers Dumber Than People Who Live In Caves; In Other News Hot Soup Declared "Hot"

We're coming to you today from the Department Of The Painfully Obvious here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DOTPO is a division of the Lack Of Spelling Ability Should Have Been A Clue Company in partnership with We Don't Need No Education, Inc.

It seems yet another study has shown that when it comes to having a grip on the complex, fast changing events in the world today, viewers of the Fox News Network would be better off blowing up their teevees.

A new Fairleigh Dickinson PublicMind Poll finds that the Sunday morning political shows on television "do the most to help people learn about current events, while some outlets, especially Fox News, lead people to be even less informed than those who they don't watch any news at all."

Now, right off the bat we have to say that if you measure helping people learn about current events by using the Sunday morning political shows, you've already set the bar pretty low, but in defense of Fox viewers we have to at least speculate that their attention is often diverted from the screen because they're are also reading Bill O'Reilly's book.

"For example, people who watch Fox News, the most popular of the 24-hour cable news networks, are 18-points less likely to know that Egyptians overthrew their government than those who watch no news at all (after controlling for other news sources, partisanship, education and other demographic factors). Fox News watchers are also 6-points less likely to know that Syrians have not yet overthrown their government than those who watch no news."

Now that's a pretty unfair comparison there because Fox viewers know there is only one country over in the brown part of the world and it's called Sharia and it wants to blow up all of our MacDonalds and secretly feed us halal until we become Muslim communists. We bet if you asked about some domestic issue Fox viewers would be much better informed, right Megyn Kelly?

Somewhere, Edward R Murrow is trying to hang himself.

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the We Couldn't Have Said It Any Better, Except We'd Never Say Anything That Stupid Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. WCHSIABEWNSATS is a division of the Know Your Audience Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Note To Self, Breathe, NA.

Every once in a while some overlord's brain fires on most synapses for a minute or two and it occurs to them that if their brethren and sisteren are as stupid as they are, there may be a way to take advantage of that. The "advantage" usually takes the form of "Hot Tips," or "Betting secrets of the rich and famous," or "How I made enough at the dog track to afford glass in the windows of my trailer," which, for a nominal sum our occasionally lucid master prognosticator will unleash upon the great unwashed.

Which brings us to Joe, who in spite of his rather simple moniker, is a whiz at eyeballing a winning dog, and because Joe is the type of person he is, will now share the secret to riches and fame at the dog track with those of you for whom cat food is a gustatory step up. Take it away Joe.

The simplest way to bet on greyhound racing is to back a dog to win. Pick one of the six runners and just tell the Tote how much you want to put on. It’s as simple as that.

There you have it ladies and gentlemen, wisdom of the ages laid bare before you. In order to win at the dog track all you have to do it bet on the dog that wins the race. As our Sensei Joe opines, "It's that simple."

You can also back a dog to finish in the top two (called a place bet) but the odds will be much shorter.

Life is truly a wondrous myriad of choices is it not?  You can bet on a dog to not win, but if you do, you won't get as much money because...and here we can forgive our racetrack Sherpa Joe for slipping into technical jargon and say it simply as he would wish--the dog didn't win.

But there are other ways to improve your odds and boost your potential returns. The first of these is called a forecast and it involves picking the winner and the runner-up.

 Do you see now why Joe has made it his life mission to guide us through this labyrinth of options and possibilities? How much more exciting and meaningful is it to "forecast" which dog will win and which dog will not, than only to pick the dog that will win, or pick the dog that will not win? Sweet Jebus and a sugar cone, is there no limit to this man's perspicuity?

If you are feeling really adventurous, you can go for what’s called a trio. This is very similar to a forecast but you select the top three dogs.

No! How can this be? A third option? Joe, our cup truly runneth over. Why, it's almost like you could bet on any dog you wanted.

Don’t worry if you don’t know one end of a dog from another, the Tote offers a quickpick function like the Lotto to help you hit that particular jackpot.

Oh now you've gone too far Joe. It's like you grabbed us as we walked by the track and started stuffing money in our pockets. The Lotto? It's like the Lotto?  Who hasn't hit the Lotto. It's like they're giving away free money huh Larry?

Larry has a puppy-like, affectionate personality and craves attention. He loves to play with toys and go for walks. He is a very bright boy and will be able to learn basic commands with ease. He gets along well with his foster family and the other Greyhounds and cats in the home. Would do well as an only dog as he is very assertive for attention.  He does fine in the crate. He has not had any exposure to children. He has an allergy issue so he will need someone willing to deal with this issue and administer medication. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Shower Rooms! Why Didn't We Think of That?

Well here's a headline we never thought we'd see:

Bishops offer Penn State help to prevent abuse

It appears to be yet another example of, as we like to say around here, ironicus at its maximus.Oh we know what you're thinking, "Come on Ironicus, the best way to prevent burglaries is to hire and ex burglar to head up your security." Yeah. We get that. Trouble is, last time we checked there was nothing "ex" about the fondness of poppa Bene's boys for the prepubescent set...if you get our drift, so we're thinking fox, meet hen house. But let's see what the good folks at Archbishop of New York Timothy Dolan's Club for Overly Friendly Single Men has to say.

The erupting scandal at Penn State brought the horrors of the Catholic clerical sex abuse crisis back into the headlines this month and it made the bishops freshly "bow our heads in shame and contrition," said Archbishop of New York Timothy Dolan, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, at the annual fall meeting in Baltimore on Monday.

Brought back into the headlines?  Dude, brought back from like two days ago? And by the way, one man's bowed head in shame is another's perp walk with your cassock over your head. Just saying.

The bishops, whose policies and secrecy once allowed abuse to fester for decades, set forth in 2002 to create model screening programs and "safe environment training" for abuse protection and prevention.

 Yeah. So how's that working out for you? Not as helpful as the statute of limitations, huh?

Dolan said more than once that the Church is "timid about giving advice," but it stands ready to join any groups that want to take on this society-wide problem.

Groups you should join, groups you should join...hmm...we're thinking NAMBLA padre. What you got in mind?

"We haven't been a good example in the past but we are trying to become one," he said.

In a related story, the vatican announced today that they were starting a summer sports camp for boys aged 9 -12 in the summer of 2013.

This Should Not Be Surprising. We Live In A Country That Puts Chocolate On Its Bacon*

We're coming to you today from the Department of Nutritional Dadaism here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DOND is part of the Now Will You Eat Your Vegetables Company, in partnership with How Do You Like Me Now, Mother That Made Me Eat My Peas, LLC.

It seems that even though our Congress may shy away from daunting tasks like helping people stay in their houses, have a job that pays for more than the gas it takes to get back and forth to it, and not starve to death in the cold after they retire because they're too ill to keep working, they're not afraid to stand up to the powerful broccoli lobby.

In an effort many 9-year-olds will cheer, Congress wants pizza and french fries to stay on school lunch lines and is fighting the Obama administration’s efforts to take unhealthy foods out of schools. The bill also would allow tomato paste on pizzas to be counted as a vegetable.

 "Hey, come on," said one Republican Legislator. "Most of the kids are already fat by the time they get to school. What are we supposed to do? Change their minds? Look. If they're smart enough to evaluate the arguments for creationism and evolution, they're smart enough to decide what to eat."

USDA spokeswoman Courtney Rowe said Tuesday that the department will continue its efforts to make lunches healthier. “While it’s unfortunate that some members of Congress continue to put special interests ahead of the health of America’s children, USDA remains committed to practical, science-based standards for school meals,” she said in a statement.

"Wait. Isn't that what we're supposed to be doing?" Asked one republican legislative aide who asked not to be named. "I thought we were supposed to put special interests ahead of everything. Well, everything except special interests with bigger bank accounts."

Nutrition advocate Margo Wootan of the Center for Science in the Public Interest said “They are making sure that two of the biggest problems in the school lunch program, pizza and french fries, are untouched.”

"That's not true at all," said a republican member of the Agriculture committee who Tweeted his comments from the drive through at Wendy's. "It's not about leaving pizza and fries untouched. It's about making sure none of those nancy-boy dishes get in. Parents! Do you really want your kid eating a salad for lunch? A salad! No wonder there's bullying in school."

A group of retired generals advocating for healthier school lunches also criticized the spending bill. The group, called Mission: Readiness, has called poor nutrition in school lunches a national security issue because obesity is the leading medical disqualifier for military service.

"Oh I hear that,"  said presidential candidate Newt Gingrich. Do you know how hard it was for me to get out of serving in Viet Nam? If all I had to do was be fat it would have made things a whole lot easier."

“This agreement ensures that nutrient-rich vegetables such as potatoes, corn and peas will remain part of a balanced, healthy diet in federally funded school meals and recognizes the significant amounts of potassium, fiber and vitamins A and C provided by tomato paste, ensuring that students may continue to enjoy healthy meals such as pizza and pasta,” said Kraig Naasz, president of the American Frozen Food Institute.

"And not only that, but when you take into account the fat, the salt, the empty calories, the sugar, well, you're looking at solving the social security funding crisis because most of these kids will be long dead before they get to 65. Win win, no?" Naasz added.

*Oh yes we do.

Friday Hound Blogging

Whoa! Friday again already? Man, that time change stuff is BRUTAL!  Fall back, spring forward, daylight savings, standard time, no more GMT, whatever whatever whatever. We'd just as soon stay in bed until you folks get it all straightened out. Or summer. Summer is good. Is it true that they just turn off their clocks in Alaska this time of year?

Well, no matter. It seems that even though approximately 162 hours have slipped by us--through no fault of the good folks at Moscow State Wine Warehouse No. 1, or as we like to call them, Столичная  we hasten to add--it seems the overlords barely noticed America's biannual chronological hiccup.

The Daytona Beach Kennel Club and Poker Room has halted the use of a termite pesticide on its dogs.

Um...excuse us, we must be a bit fuzzy from the recently concluded temporal shift. It sounded like you just said you've halted the use of a termite pesticide on your dogs.

The chapter used a solution of equal parts Termidor, alcohol and water on the coats of the club's dogs as a flea and tick repellent, Donnellon said. Dan Francati, general manager of the Kennel Club and Poker Room, confirmed using the solution.

 "Look, the kennels are infested with termites and the dogs are infested with fleas and ticks," Francati told reporters. "Potato, potahto, that's all. Besides, Termidor is one of the safest insecticides you can have. Well, except for the whole thyroid cancer thing. Do greyhounds even have thyroids?"

Patrick Donnellon, a former three-year employee of the club's Greyhound Pets of America chapter, filed complaints against the club after he said he was fired in September for objecting to the use of Termidor, a termite insecticide, on retired racing dogs' backs.

"Fired is such a negative word," Francati said. "We prefer to think of it as separated for differences in training philosophies. I mean, the dogs are only useful for a couple of years at best. Any health issues caused by dousing them in termite insecticide probably aren't going to show up until way after we're done with them."

Sterling Ivey, a spokesman with the Department of Agriculture, said Termidor is not authorized for use on animals and its use would represent a violation of pesticide-use laws. "Applicators do not have the latitude to take a product labeled and registered for one use and mix it for an unlabeled use, even if the active ingredient is the same," Ivey said in an email. "Products are registered as a formulation, with inert ingredients that may change the behavior of the product when not used as intended."

"Hey. What do you want from me?" Francati said. "It took me three years to get out of tenth grade fer chrissakes. Does that sound like chemistry major material to you?"

 Well, can't argue with the man there, huh KB?

KB is a laid-back handsome boy who is very curious about everything that is going on. You know for sure that he is excited or happy when his right ear sticks up and tips back. KB’s friendly and will come up and lean on his foster parents as well as the other dogs. While looking for attention, he will put his nose in your face. This boy loves food! If someone is in the kitchen, he will follow in the hope of getting some tasty morsels. He would do fine as an only dog in a working family. KB would do fine in a home with children over 10. He has not had any exposure to younger children but would probably be fine depending on their maturity level. Does fine in his crate. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the Lie Down With Dogs, Get Up With Fleas Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. LDWDGUWF is part of the What Did You Expect Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Tell Us Something We Don't Know, NA.

It seems overlords all over the world have the same difficulty. Of course when you think that the heartless exploitation and brutal abuse of innocent animals is a career choice, we shouldn't be surprised when certain higher level moral concepts like say, following the rules escapes their grasp. 

Top greyhound racing administrator John McArthur has resigned from the Racing Integrity Unit (RIU) after one of his dogs tested positive for morphine.

We'll give you a minute to recover from the shock of seeing the phrase "greyhound racing" and "integrity" within six miles of one another.

While we're waiting let's take a look at some of the "integrity" in greyhound racing. Here's some, and here, and here, oh and let's not forget here.

OK, got your breath back? Now, aside from the surprising juxtaposition of vocabulary, you're probably thinking overlord, criminal activities, where's the news in that? Well, it seems the Racing Integrity Board of which Mr. McArthur is the erstwhile head is charged with investigating allegations of misdeeds in the racing industry.Yes, the guy responsible for making sure everybody plays by the rules...broke the rules.

That is, as we like to say around here, ironicus at its maximus.

So, you're thinking come on, it can't be that simple. A man can't rise to the exalted position of  Administrator of the Racing Integrity Board with such a gaping flaw in his character that would allow such a deed. There's got to be more to the story.

Well, your first mistake is assuming this man has character, but in the interests of fairness we'll let Mr. McArthur tell his side of the story:

A statement from GRNZ said the morphine found in Miss Gigi's system was suspected to have come from poppy seed in bread.

Oh, why didn't you say so? That's perfectly understandable. Why, the same thing happened to Elaine. Much ado about nothing, huh KB?

KB is a four year old girl who ran her races (all 34 of them) in Florida. Apparently she wasn't even interesting enough to be sent back to the farm to become a baby factory (lucky for her) because she was released to the adoption groups after she came in eighth out of eight in her last race. Here's one of her races. She comes out of box five, gets jostled a bit and finishes seventh.

For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

God Told Me To Take Your Lunch Money

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the true path to happiness is beset by the IED's of circumstance...erm...we mean know that we here in the marbled halls of IM Central call the Water Winter Wonderland our home. Si quaeris peninsulam amoenam circumspice. Represent, yo?

Anyway, like many other states in what's left of this once great union of states, voters here saw fit to elect a full clown posse to the legislature in the last excuse for an election. Now, in defense of our home state we have to say that our clown posse isn't as...well, clownish as some states. That whole zygotes are people thing comes to mind, and no matter what you say about Michigan, at least we're not Alabama.

Of course we're not Vermont either, so when our own duly elected little band of unmedicated certifiables decided to tackle the issue of bullies, what did we get?

Senate Democrats condemned Republicans for gutting a supposed "anti-bullying" bill that passed out of committee with bi-partisan support and turning it into legislation that gives students a license to bully. Under the Republican substitute to SB 137, a bully could continue to harass a student for any perceived bias and simply cite a "moral conviction" as a basis for doing so.

OK, so you can't physically or mentally abuse another person, unless you have a moral conviction? Most states would give bullies a misdemeanor conviction, but you're saying if the bully can find some religious foundation for giving a kid a swirly, that's all right? You sure that's the argument you want to go with? We mean, we're not bible scholars or anything but we're pretty sure Jesus never said  love your neighbor as yourself, unless he's a homo or something, then bust him up.

Democrats attempted to move a more comprehensive bill that would prohibit bullying for any reason, however, this attempt to protect students failed to gain the Republican support needed to bring the all-inclusive Democratic bill up for a vote. Several Democratic amendments to improve the legislation were also defeated by the Republican majority.

 "It's not really bullying if you do it in god's name," said one republican legislator who asked not to be identified.

We're Not Too Keen On Your God, But We'll Take Your Money

OK, according to the great tradition of political debate in these here United States, the democratic party has been thought of as the liberal, tax and spend, create a mommy state, maybe not red but certainly pinko party, while the republican party has been the corporate lapdog, I got mine, blow it up and ask questions later, white's all right party.

So when a proposal is put forward by democrats it can be criticized as another attempt to redistribute the wealth from those who built this country to those undeserving masses who probably don't want to work anyway, and when a proposal is put forward by the republican party it can be criticized as another attempt to keep people down, and institutionalize the policy of privatizing profits while socializing losses.

Of course if none of that seems to be working you can always play the Hindu card.

Gov. Steve Beshear (D-KY) is heavily favored to win re-election in a vote next Tuesday, with leads of roughly 2-1 in all the publicly released polls. Now his Republican opponent, state Senate President David Williams, is launching an attack against Beshear on a new front: Beshear participated in a Hindu religious ceremony!

"I swear I heard Jesus cry," Williams told reporters. "And what's this with  Beshear saying he was just showing respect to the Yogi? I didn't see no bears around there, did you?"

“He’s there participating with Hindu priests, participating in a religious ceremony,” Williams said. “They can say what they want to. He’s sitting down there with his legs crossed, participating in Hindu prayers with a dot on his forehead with incense burning around him. I don’t know what the man was thinking.”

 You tell them Mr. Williams. Doesn't this guy ever read the Constitution? We mean, sure it's not like you can run them out of the country for practicing their heathen religion or anything, but the last thing we need is someone to make them feel welcome. What's next? Hindu temples right here in Kentucky?

“If I’m a Christian, I don’t participate in Jewish prayers. I’m glad they do that. I don’t participate in Hindu prayers. I don’t participate in Muslim prayers. I don’t do that. To get down and get involved and participate in prayers to these polytheistic situations, where you have these Hindu gods that they are praying to, doesn’t appear to me to be in line with what a governor of the Commonwealth of Kentucky ought to be doing.”

Oh you are right as the day is long there Mr. Williams. Why a good Christian governor wouldn't  even walk down the street in front of one of those...wait a minute...polytheistic? You think Jews and Muslims are polytheistic? Uh...Mr. Williams? We're sorry to have to tell you the the Jews were monotheistic when Jesus was still making the sacred Lincoln logs in his diapers, and the Muslims? Well, let's just say Allah don't have no son and holy spirit sharing the bill and leave it at that, OK?

Williams said he was not showing disrespect to Hindus with his comments. “I think you disrespect other peoples’ religion when you go down there,” he said.

Well, can't argue with you there Mr. Williams. One thing's for sure, nothing disrespects a person's religion more than going down there.  Why, if someone were to go down there on us we'd feel so disrespected we be likely to go down there too and have a rather heated word or two with that person. We mean, you just don't go down there and walk away, right? It's like Jesus said to the Pharisees, "Don't you go down there on me boy."

He said he has visited countries that had Hindu ceremonies but declined to participate. “That would be idolatry,” he said.

Amen to that brother. It's just like it says in Paul's epistle to the Corinthians--which is only abut 40 miles from here by the way, stick that in your Hindu abracadabra pipe and smoke it swami--it's like old Paul said to them, "When in Rome, you still a Bubba.

Stay Tuned For A 60 Minutes Special Report On Celebrity Ferrets

We're coming to you today from the Let's Do A Poll Because It's Easier Than Working Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. LDAPBIETW is a division of the We're Running Out Of Ways To Avoid Writing About Real Issues Company, a wholly owned subsidiary of Sarah Palin Didn't Return Our Calls, Inc.

Look, we know writing about things like the economy, world financial crises, income inequality and other issues that, you know, impact people's lives and such is hard. We mean, you have to interview experts, do research, learn new words and all sorts of other complications, all of which interferes with keeping up with Kim Kardashian's tweets. But, come on man, even if you're going to try and convince your boss you're working by putting up an online poll--which is to real polling like nuclear energy is to canned spam--at least put a little effort into making the resulting article not resemble something written for a tenth grade homework assignment. 

Ronald Reagan beat out Franklin Delano Roosevelt as the former president Americans would like to see in the White House during these trying economic times, a new 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll finds. Thirty-six percent of those polled said they wanted the Gipper to lead America out of the economic crisis...

Really? That's your lede? Thirty six percent? When we went to school that meant 64% would have wanted someone else. Almost two thirds, in other words.

Thomas Jefferson came in third place with the support of 14 percent of those polled.

Thomas Jefferson? Really? You made Thomas Jefferson one of the choices on your poll. This is what you learned in Investigative Journalism class? Thomas Jefferson wouldn't know a Credit Default Swap if Sally Hemmings hit him over the head with one.

The poll also found that 68 percent of Americans think Secretary of State Hillary Clinton would make the best Democratic vice presidential candidate if Joe Biden doesn’t remain on the ticket next year.

Well, that's certainly timely and useful information to have. Particularly since Vice President Biden has already said he's going to stay on the ticket. 

Hey, we've got an idea for an Internet poll. It would have just one question: Do you think Internet polls are a big waste of time and reporters use them to keep from doing actual work?

While we're waiting for the results to come in maybe someone could do an in depth story on Dancing With The Stars or something. You know, reporter stuff.