BREAKING: Pope Narrowly Avoids Jew Cooties

In what may turn out to be one of the closest calls of his papacy, Pope Benedict ex vee eye narrowly avoided exposure to crazy rays from members of the whacky pack. You know, those churches that aren't really churches because they lack bingo, and you could search through their Ancestry.com records all you want and there'll be nary an apostle nor a disciple in the lot.

Pope Benedict XVI has invited Jews, Hindus, Sikhs and Muslims to a pilgrimage to the Umbrian hilltop town of Assisi where 25 years ago Pope John Paul II, the Dalai Lama and others spent the day praying for peace amid the Cold War.

 Yeah, well 25 years ago we didn't know how AIDS was transmitted either so we were still letting the homos touch stuff. A lot has changed since Bene got us right with the lord.

Benedict on Wednesday held a pre-trip prayer service for the Catholic faithful at the Vatican, since Thursday's Assisi event — unlike the 1986 edition — won't involve any communal prayers among the different religious leaders.

 Right. Come on, we all know who god's number one posse is. Why you want to put all that static in the channel by letting these holy wannabes talk over PopeMasta B?

Then-Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger didn't attend the 1986 event and disapproved of members of different faiths praying in the presence of one another.

Hey, would you take a bath with your sister? Would you  eat lunch down at the homeless shelter? Would you get naked before altar boy interviews ? OK forget that last one, the point is all your Jesus are belong to us.

The 25th anniversary edition won't involve any communal prayer: participants can pray individually, silently in rooms assigned them.

"We're particularly insistent on that 'silent' part," said a spokesman for the vatican office of Hatin' On The Poseurs. "Have you heard the racket when them Rabbis go at it? Sounds like somebody strangling a cat. And what's up with that rocking shtick? They got some kind of palsy or something?"

In a related story, the vatican announced that Kumbaya had been placed on the Index Librorum Prohibitorum.